My body does an involuntary jolt as I go to dismiss the terrifying suggestion but stop myself when I realize just how much sense it makes, especially now that we know exactly what Madeline is capable of.
“She must have followed me to Ravenwood that day to kill me, and probably herself too. She ended up killing my parents instead, though, because she saw my car coming back down the road and thought it was me.”
Cartwright and I exchange an anguished look, and then he sits back down next to Cameron to lay an arm across the back of his chair. “Son, that woman is deranged. She’s probably just making it up—”
“She’s not,” he says with full certainty. “She kept telling me back at the hotel when I had her restrained that she was glad she didn’t end up killing me, because watching me suffer was so much more enjoyable. At first, I thought she was talking about how she shot Jalen instead of me, but now I understand fully what she meant.”
“Cameron, stop,” I plead, although I don’t have any coherent or comforting words to follow them up with, I just simply can’t stand to hear any more about the depths of her depravity.
“It’s all because of me,” he continues, ignoring my plea. “My parents. Delaney. And now Jalen—”
“He’s still fighting, Cameron,” Cartwright says, as if he worries saying the words might somehow tip the scales the other direction and isn’t willing to risk it.
“Delaney’s death isMadeline’sfault, Cameron. Not yours,” I assert, but stop myself from adding that this theory also makes clear that his parents’ deaths are also on Madeline’s hands now, because I know that he won’t be open to hearing it. “Madelineis the one who chose to hurt Delaney and Jalen. Not you. We don’t need to take responsibility for other people’s choices.”
He lets go of me to lean forward and covers his face with both hands, and I feel the weight of this latest revelation as it presses down on his already heavy shoulders. The hurt, the sorrow, theblame. It’s all there, leading him to a dark place that I know far too well.
It is in that moment that I finally understand, for the very first time, how Scott, Gabe, and Monika must feel every time I fall over the same cliff’s edge that Cameron is teetering at the precipice of right now. How helpless it feels to see someone that you love be reduced to nothing more than a pile of rubble under the weight of guilt that was never theirs to carry. To be forced to sit back while they are swallowed whole by the demons that prey on their pain and suffering, unable to satiate their endless thirst.
The realization tilts my world upside down so abruptly that I have to grab onto the arms of my chair to keep upright, as I am dropped into a new reality where I am forced to see myself reflected in the beautiful man falling apart right next to me.
In this mirrored state, I am confronted with the certainty I felt earlier today that Delaney’s death was my fault, when that so clearly was never the case. I was so sure that my choosing to go against my curse by keeping Cameron was what caused my brother’s adoption to fall through.
I am forced to feel what my dad and Scott must have felt when I blamed myself for my mother’s death, when it was never truly my fault, while having to deal with their own grief over her loss at the same time. Then again, when I called my brother to tell him that our dad died eight years ago, and once again took all the blame for something that was out of my control. Yes, I was selfish the day that he died, and yes, I should have stayed home to take care of him. But there is no guarantee that the outcome would have been different regardless of my mistakes.
The same can be said for Cameron, whose pride is what forced his parents behind the wheel that day six months ago. But my love for him is so strong that there is simply no alternative other than complete and total absolution, extending all the way back to his original choice not to represent Nash and forward to cover everything that has happened since.
I know his heart. I know it as well as I know my own, and with this new perspective, I can take the forgiveness that I so easily give to him and apply it to myself too.
If he deserves it, and we are the same, then I must deserve it too.
Just as this new truth starts to sink in, bringing light to the deepest and darkest parts of my soul, I sense Cameron slipping away next to me, as if, while I was finally finding the light, he took that final step over the edge and has begun to free-fall.
I turn to him as I search for the right combination of words that can pull him back before it’s too late but come up short. I can’t remember a single thing that someone has said in the past that ever truly made me feel hope in my darkest times, and any platitude would only accelerate his descent. What he needs right now is something completely unique; a truth so profound that he can’t deny it. It is in that moment that I recall what he said to me earlier today, as the words reach out to me like a lighthouse calls to a ship that has been lost at sea.
“Cameron, from one wretched person to another, please listen to what I have to say.”
He shakes his head as I shift to kneeling before him, but he keeps his eyes tightly shut so that I can’t use the power of my gaze to strengthen the words I am about to say. I don’t want to risk losing my chance, so I press forward without it.
“I know that the darkness is closing in, and that you feel like there is no way out, but you don’t have to fight this alone, because I’m here.” I place my hands on the sides of his beautiful, anguished face. “I’m right here, and I’m not going anywhere. Not now, not ever. I’m going to fight these monsters right alongside you with everything that I have within me.”
He opens his eyes then, just a fraction. I take the opportunity to put all the love that I feel for him right on display so that he canseeinto my soul, like he already has so many times before. “Please, Cameron. Don’t let this pull you under. Stay here with me, instead, because on our own, we are weak. But together . . .”
He squeezes his eyes shut again and pulls our joined hands up to press against his lips as if he is kissing them goodbye. I panic as he continues to recede. I need him to just look at me, one last time, so that he can see the change in me, and that I really mean it this time.
“Please, open your eyes,” I beg, and angle my face to the side so that I can be back in his line of sight. “Please.”
He complies, but it takes all the strength I have left not to crumple onto the floor at how vacant his stare is, completely devoid of the adoration I have thrived under the last two days. I am stunned silent for a moment, and in that pause, he shakes his head.
“I can’t do this anymore, Drew. I can’t let you stay. Not after everything that I’ve done.”
I shake my head as I continue to echo his words back to him with complete certainty. “You had it right earlier, Cameron. The monsters are no match for us. I know you feel like we’re outnumbered, but I’m here. I’ll find as many swords as I can, so that we can keep fighting this together.”
His eyes search mine, and the reverence that was there before slowly overtakes the emptiness, until he is once again looking at me like I am the sun, the moon, and all of the stars. Before I lose him again, I push forward to sign my end of the contract that seals our fate, like I should have done earlier.
The kiss, while brief, acknowledges so much: Our sorrow, our worry, our grief, and the cementing of our unwavering devotion to be there for each other. It acts as the anchor that both of us can cling to, the fact that we have each other to face life with now, no matter what comes next.
When I pull away, he slides his hand behind my head to pull me back for a few more seconds and then lets me go so I can wrap my arms around his neck. I take the opportunity to whisper everything else that I need him to know into his ear, so that, of all the worries of the day, wondering where we stand is not among them.
