I scold myself for being drawn to Cameron like a moth to a flame, but I know in my heart that my attraction to him is not only because of his looks. No, it’s much deeper than that. We had a real connection from the second I heard his voice on the phone, and things just got more meaningful from there.
I can’t even fault him for pulling me off course, because the truth is,I’mthe one who kissedhim. He just wanted to talk about our losses and thank me for being brave enough to share those parts of myself publicly. Then, I took it too far, and the universe had to remind me of my place.
It was all me. I’m the only one to blame.
I need to find the balance again. If there’s any chance of getting things back on track, I have to get back to where I was last week, after my birthday but before the retreat. Where the world was quiet, and it truly felt like I was being afforded an exception for my nephew.
“I’ll let Cameron go, I swear.” I fix my eyes on the ceiling to make sure the universe hears me through the sobs that have begun to rack my shoulders. “As soon as the investigation is over, I’ll let him go.”
I get no cosmic confirmation that giving up Cameron will be enough to make things right, so I further prove my submission by yanking off the sweatshirt that he insisted I borrow over my head in a spasm of fury. It had become damp around the neck from my steady stream of tears, anyway.
Once it’s off, I throw it across the bathroom floor as far away from me as possible. My thumb starts pounding in pain at the effort, but I ignore it to curl up into a ball on my side and rest my cheek on the cold tile floor.
I don’t know how long I lie there, but I eventually enter a dream-like state where I am back to the morning of my flight,and I have the foreknowledge to stop this day from playing out in the same way.
I take comfort in the alternate reality of Delaney still being alive and me still being on track to meet my nephew, but it veers off course with a knock at my hotel room door. There is only one person who it could be at this hour. I squeeze my eyes shut to block him out.
Thankfully, Cameron gives up after one more attempt and goes into his own room. I listen to the muffled sounds of him settling into his room, until the scrape of the deadbolt from his side of our adjoining door makes me jolt upright. My heart skips a beat as I fully expect him to walk through the door and find me on the floor, but he doesn’t. It is then that I remember that my side of the door locks, too, so he can only come in if I allow him to.
I lean my head back against the wall until my heartbeat steadies and then push myself off the ground so that I can trudge over to my phone and set an alarm. There is nothing left to think or feel, and no gain in continuing to cry over my missteps. I let myself wallow, and I have recommitted to the original plan, so all that’s left is to wrap up the final loose ends starting with our meeting in the morning. If everything goes right and I stay the course, then there is still a chance I will be going up to New York in a few days as planned.
Then I can leave this entire weekend, and Cameron, behind me.
Chapter thirty-four
UNABLE TO STOP
Whenmyalarmgoesoff at eight, it’s as if the universe accepted my offering from the night before and has rewarded me with an update about my nephew in the family group chat. There’s a notification from Leah, too, but I skip past it as I rub the sleep out of my eyes to read the latest message from Gabe.
Gabe:Bio-mom is doing great, but baby boy is too comfy in there to cooperate. Discussing a possible C-section. Will keep you in the loop.
Monika:Can’t wait! He has two aunts who are ready to spoil him once he makes his debut.
The texts were sent an hour ago, so I type out a response to second Monika’s statement and hit send.
After staring at my phone for ten minutes waiting for a response, I quickly check my new message from Leah, where shesays that she ended up driving through the night and is safely home with her husband. I text her back a heart emoji and then return to the group chat to check again, even though I didn’t get a notification.
Eventually, I give up and turn the ringer all the way up so that I can hear any new messages that come through as I head to the bathroom to start the shower. Once the bathroom is nice and steamy, I balance my phone on top of the towel hanging outside the glass door for easy access and step in.
The water does wonders for my puffy eyes and tense muscles, but it takes less than a minute to realize just how lame my left hand is compared to my right, as I try my hardest to keep my bandaged thumb from getting too soggy. Just as I plan out a routine to whip my non-dominant hand into working shape, my phone dings again, and I drop the mini shampoo bottle to the floor to check it.
Cameron:I’m picking up breakfast and coffee. Want anything?
I frown at the message. I’m too anxious to eat, and the shower is losing its warmth with the door open, so I rest the phone back on its perch and close the door to finish my awkward, one-handed shower.
Once I am clean, my next big task is to put together an appropriate outfit to wear to this meeting, because the ones Monika packed for me don’t fit the vibe for a debrief with lawyers after a tragedy. I decide to just wear the jeans and sneakers that I traveled in, and pair them with the chunky white sweater she originally set aside for me to wear to the bookstore tour. I forego wearing any makeup because I don’t trust my skills on my best day, much less when I only have four working fingers on my dominant hand.
My phone chimes with another text as I attempt to tame a few wild strands of my air-dried hair in the mirror, and I hold my breath in hopes of a baby update but find another message from Cameron instead.
Cameron:On my way back. Ordered two of what I like and a few other things to be safe. But after we meet with the lawyers, you need to tell me all your favorite things so that I can be ready next time.
I swallow at his eagerness and send back a simple thank you, then call the front desk to ask for a first-aid kit. The new person working the front promises to send one up as soon as possible, and without anything else to do, I sit on the side of the bed and wait.
Cameron and the hotel employee arrive at my door at the same time a little while later, and I eavesdrop as Cameron offers to take the first-aid kit and then beeps his keycard to get inside his room. I walk over to the door that connects us and take a deep breath before unlocking my side and going through to meet him.
Cameron’s room looks the same as mine, just mirrored. When he sees me coming through, he jogs to the kitchenette to unload everything from his hands and then closes the distance between us to pull me into a crushing hug.
“How are you feeling? I knocked when I got back around one in the morning, but you must have already fallen asleep.”
