“Not until you hear what I have to say.”
I scoff. “I’ve heard everything you have to say, multiple times. It’s you who needs to listen for once.”
“Then I’m all ears. I’ll do whatever you say if you’ll just promise to be part of our lives again. Especially now, when we need you the most.”
“Let go of my wrist,” I say through gritted teeth, and am shocked when he drops it immediately.
“Seriously, Drew. Tell me,” he pleads, and brings his hand up to his hair to run his fingers through, only for his frown to deepen at how short it is now. “Tell me what to do. I’ll do anything.”
His eyes turn glassy as he waits for my answer, and I am furious at myself for not having the guts to break the glass or beg that random car for a ride moments ago. Now that I’m stuck here, the only way out is to finish this once and for all.
“Scott,” I start, exasperated. “You and Gabe will be the best dads ever, and you can call me anytime, but I don’t know anything about babies. I doubt I’d even be the least bit helpful. I’m sure you have plenty of friends in the city who can—”
“That’s not the point, Drew, and you know it,” he says, with a shake of his head.
I try again. “You guys will be fine, seriously. I have complete faith in you. I know I have been distant this year, but I will start answering the phone more, and we can FaceTime so that we can all see each other too. That way I will be a safe distance—”
“That, right there,” Scott says, interrupting with a sharp point of his finger. “That is what this is all about, right? Why you’ve been avoiding us like the plague this past year?”
I shift uncomfortably on my feet as another car creeps by and slows down to look our direction, likely making sure that we aren’t in some sort of domestic dispute.
“It took me a while to figure it out,” he says, his voice softening a fraction. “But when I did, it made so much sense. You’re cutting us off because you think your bad luck is going to somehow hurt our baby, right?”
The car passes and pulls out of the parking lot, and I kick myself again for not chasing after them to help get me out of here.
“Look at me,” my brother pleads, and steps forward to try and force my attention, but I take an immediate step back. He visibly deflates. “I need you, Drew. You are the only family that I have left. I can’t do this without you.” The sob that lodges in his throat on that last statement pulls my eyes back up to his. He takes his chance and makes the final plea. “The only tragedy would be for our baby not to have you in his life. To only talk to you over the phone or see you in pictures. I need you. Gabe needs you. And he’s going to need you too.”
The wordhesqueezes all the air out of my chest.
He.
Before, this was all theoretical.
They wanted to adopt a child. It was going to take a long time. The mother could always change her mind at the last minute.
It was easier to keep the idea of a future addition to our family at arm’s length when they were in the planning phase. But the baby, mynephew, is due any day.
Visions of holding their little baby boy in my arms push themselves, uninvited, into my mind, accompanied by a feeling of pure, unfettered joy. Within seconds, the visions meet the nightmares that have plagued me for the past year about being responsible for adding another headstone to our family plot, and the joy is replaced by soul-crushing grief.
How can he truly be willing to risk having me around after everything that I’ve done? I admit that Scott has always seemed to be impervious to my bad luck, other than the fact that I killed both of our parents. He’s seen and heard firsthand the terrible things that seem to be around every corner where I’m involved, so how could he even consider risking the safety of his innocent child?
They say that becoming a parent makes you soft, but if he isn’t willing to be the strong one, and Gabe isn’t either . . . I swipe away a few freshly fallen tears, squaring my shoulders back up, and remain committed to doing the right thing even though it’s unbearably hard.
Scott’s face crumples, as if he knows the words I am about to say before they leave my mouth, but I say them anyway. “I am so happy for you and Gabe, and for your baby b—” I start but stop myself before finishing. I don’t trust myself to addboyat the end without having it get caught in the huge lump that has formed in my throat. “I meant what I said. I love you guys, and I’d like to be involved, but I will be keeping my distance.”
“Don’t do this,” he begs, but I’ve already made my decision.
It’s hard to tell whether the moment that follows lasts a minute or an eternity. All I know is that I am holding my breath again and praying that he accepts my decision, so that we don’t have to launch into yet another round of this fruitless argument.
He seems to be holding his breath, too, because the silence between us is deafening. There are no loud cars driving by to tempt me to run, or wind rustling through the trees. There is only us, two siblings who have been to hell and back together at an impasse.
Regardless of how he reacts, there is no turning back for me. Not with the baby due any day. And when he finally lets out a dejected breath, I know that I have won.
Chapter seven
CUTS LIKE A KNIFE
Scotteventuallyretreats,wordlessly,which somehow feels worse than any of the responses I was expecting. He walks back to the Book Cellar with his head hung low, leaving me on the sidewalk outside, completely alone.
