“A moment of weakness.” Kat’s laugh is hollow. “Is that right?”
“Kat, you’re being a little hard on her, no?” Bayo comments with a sigh.
“No, it’s fine,” I tell him then look back to her. “I mean it. I let my guard down and I shouldn’t have, but it’s not—” I force myself to say the words. “I don’t have feelings for him. It was just sex.”
“It wasn’t even sex,” Bayo mutters. “It wasalmostsex. Which is somehow worse, because now, there’s unfinished business.”
I’m not about to argue with him on what actually constitutes sex. I don’t want to talk to him aboutanyof this.
“The point is,” I press on, “I can compartmentalize. I’ve been trained to compartmentalize. You know me. You know what I can do, what I’m capable of. You know how many targets I’ve eliminated. Whatever’s happening between me and Vanguard?—”
“So whatishappening between you and Vanguard?” Kat cuts in. “Because from where I’m standing, it looks like our operative has developed an emotional attachment to her target, one that will cloud her judgment, compromise her decision-making, and potentially get us all killed.”
“That’s not?—”
“You kissed him, Mia! And he didn’t die! Do you understand what that means? The implications?”
I go still, my heart sinking until I feel terribly small.
Of course I understand. I’ve thought of nothing else since it happened. For fifteen years, my kiss has been a weapon. A failsafe. The last resort that guaranteed I could never truly be captured, never truly be compromised, never really get close to anyone, because anyone who got too close would pay with their life.
And now, that failsafe is gone.
I press my thumbnail into my palm until it hurts. Until I feel something I can name, something with edges, instead of this formless ache spreading through my chest like warmth.
Like thaw.
I can’t afford to thaw.
Not here.
Not for him.
“It means I can’t kill him the way I normally would,” I say quietly.
“It means he’s the first person you can touch without consequences.” Kat’s expression softens slightly. “The first person you can kiss, can fuck, canhave. Do you really expect me to believe that means nothing to you?”
I don’t answer. I don’t even know what to say.
She sighs, and for a moment, she looks sympathetic, a rarity.
“I have been where you are,” she says quietly. “Not exactly, but close enough. Falling for a target is easy, Mia.Soeasy.They’re the focus of your attention, your energy, your thoughts. You study them, you learn them, you anticipate their needs, and somewhere along the way, your brain starts confusing surveillance with intimacy.”
“I’m not falling for him,” I say again.
“You’ve already fallen.” She holds up a hand before I can protest. “I’m not saying you’ve hit the ground yet, but you’re in freefall, and if you don’t pull the cord soon, you will crash. And when you do, you’ll take this mission—and possibly this team—down with you.”
I want to argue, to defend myself, but I can’t find the ammunition.
“What do you want me to do?” I ask quietly. “Pull out? Go home? Tell Mank I failed?”
“No.” Kat exchanges a look with Bayo, something passing between them. “What I want is for you to get your head out of your ass and remember why we’re here. Vanguard is a target. He might also be a weapon of mass destruction being controlled by a corporation with ties to human trafficking. Your job is to find out the truth, not to…shag him on rooftops.”
“I didn’t shag him.” Still a virgin over here.
“Details, details.” She waves a hand. “The point is, you need to put distance between yourself and whatever you’re feeling. Put your heart in a cage and lock it. Your hormones too. Be professional. Be cold. Be the operative I know you can be.”
“And if I can’t?”
