When Nina had phoned to say that she had something important to discuss and could they meet, he’d hoped it was about her and Jakob. She’d already told him that Jakob was once again working at Lavelle’s, and reluctant to ask what that might actually mean to her in personal terms, he’d left well alone. Herinscrutability was a defence shield, just as hardening his heart was for him, and so he’d trusted her to share with him when the time was right for her. A new relationship was, after all, a big step for her to take. For anyone to take.
Which was why, when he’d been on his way to see her, he’d felt so happy for her, that at last she was doing what was only right – she was moving on, just as he had – and had decided she was now ready to share that news with him.
He could not have been more wrong. Within minutes of him walking through the door, she’d told him about Hilary being caught shoplifting, and that she’d been stealing baby stuff for God knew how long and she was lucky the police hadn’t been involved. Worse still, Nina now expected Good ol’ Keith to wave a magic wand and make things right. How the hell did she think he could do that?
‘Our grief is just as real and important as Hilary’s,’ Nina was now saying, ‘but she’s dug herself in so deep that unless we do something to help her, she’ll stay there or sink even lower.’
‘But what can we do?’ he asked with tired annoyance, thinking that instead of being here he could have gone with Diane to her local church for that morning’s Remembrance Sunday service. ‘I tried every single one of those painfully dark days to help Hilary,’ he added, ‘and she always pushed me away. There was nothing I could do. Some days the way she treated me you’d think it was my fault our son died. Can you imagine how hurt I felt? Would it have killed her to show me a little kindness and understanding?’
‘Keith,’ Nina said firmly, ‘this isn’t about you or me, this is about Hilary. We’re the lucky ones, as tough as it was, we’ve been able to cope. We’ve proved ourselves to be stronger than she is.’
He took umbrage at the word lucky.‘Lucky,’he repeated irritably. ‘My son is gone and so is my marriage, how is that lucky?’
‘You’ve escaped a marriage that had probably been slowly dying for some years. Grief may well have given you the impetus to change your life. You now have a second chance at being happy.’
‘Hold on a minute,’ Keith said heatedly, ‘who says my marriage was slowly dying?’
‘Wasn’t it?’ she said, giving him an unnervingly long hard stare. It was a look he had never witnessed before from Nina and revealed a side to her he didn’t recognise. Maybe in the same way he was revealing a side of himself to her which she didn’t recognise, and quite possibly didn’t like. He wanted not to care what she thought of him, but he did care. He cared a lot.
‘I admit that things have been rocky since Hugh’s death impacted our lives,’ he said, ‘but we jogged along well enough before.’
‘Is “jogging along” enough?’ she asked.
He swallowed, feeling like he was a butterfly being pinned to a board. ‘It can’t always be hearts and roses,’ he said, ‘marriage slips into a pattern of just being. It’s what happens to couples who have been together for a long time. Eventually you would have come to understand that with Hugh.’ Too late he realised the appalling crassness of what he’d said and immediately apologised. ‘I’m sorry, that was completely inappropriate. Forgive me, please.’
‘It’s okay,’ she said quietly, although he could see from the change in her expression as she stared out of the window, it wasn’t okay. ‘I get it,’ she said, returning her gaze to him. ‘I do. Marriages fall into a routine and a pattern of behaviour and roles played out. I see it with my own parents. But what I’ve never seen with them is either one of them demeaning the other, they support and encourage each other. That’s what I envisioned I’d have with Hugh. If fate hadn’t intervened.’
‘I’m sure it would have been just as you say,’ Keith said, desperate to make amends for his insensitivity.
‘Not that I’m kidding myself,’ she continued, ‘that either of us would have been perfect, but I believe we would have always been … ’ Her words fell away and she frowned.
‘Yes,’ he said, ‘what would you have been?’
‘I was going to say we would have always been honest with each other, but actually that’s not true.’
‘Isn’t it?’
She shook her head. ‘He kept from me that Hilary had given him the money for another round of IVF. Why did he keep that from me? Was he embarrassed? Did he feel guilty accepting the money? Did he think I’d be cross?’
‘Chances are it was all of those things,’ Keith said, glad that the spotlight was off him for a moment. ‘Wouldn’t you have been cross if he’d owned up to you about the money?’
She smiled. ‘I would have been furious.’
‘There you are, then. That’s your answer.’
‘So why take the money? Why put himself in that situation, knowing that it would annoy me?’
‘Odds on it was to please his mother. You know how he always took the path of least resistance with her. He was like it as a small boy, he quickly figured out the best way to keep in her good books, or to cover his tracks when he’d done something wrong. He was also a people pleaser.’
‘Just as you are,’ said Nina. ‘Which is why I know you’ll do the right thing and help me to help Hilary. And what would Hugh think of us if we left her to go on suffering on her own?’
As hypothetical as it was, it was emotional blackmail pure and simple that Nina was throwing at him, but Keith couldn’t deny that she was right, what the hell would Hugh think of him if he couldn’t find it in his heart – even his hardened heart – to try and help Hilary?
But how?
Something Nina wasn’t right about though, was her sayinghis marriage to Hilary had been dying a long and slow death. That wasn’t true. They’d had plenty of happy times, plenty of laughs and plenty of love. Yes, as the years had gone by Hilary had become more judgemental and critical as well as intolerant, but so had he. He’d just been better at hiding it than she had. He’d preferred to grumble in a humorous way, casting himself in the role of middle-aged man who was hopelessly out of his depth in this new-fangled world. It was a gift of a part for him and one that had amused him to play. Hilary had not been gifted such an easy role; she had been given the part of mother-in-law, a clichéd role that had not suited her one little bit.
Then they’d been cast as grieving parents, a role that neither of them should have ever been forced to play. It was wholly unnatural, divisive and cruel, and quite without mercy. Was it any wonder they were in the mess they were?
