But then, as if to prove she wasn’t so pathetic, she’d blurted out that she had a daughter-in-law who ran an art gallery in town. She had immediately wanted to snatch the words back, horrified by the admission. How could she bear for Nina to know what she’d done? But at the same time, the thought of Nina and her steady calmness and her clear-eyed way of looking at things acted as a soothing balm. Nina never overreacted to any situation, she always seemed to be above any unnecessarydisplay of emotion. In the past, Hilary had viewed her as being too cool and detached to be worthy of her precious son’s love. But in that moment she would have given anything for Nina – capable Nina – to take control of this nightmarish situation in her discreetly understated way and make it all go away.
The woman sitting the other side of the desk had eagerly seized on this piece of information about a daughter-in-law within walking distance of the store and whether it was to be rid of the problem, or maybe believing that a family member could ensure nothing like this happened again, but within minutes Hilary was being escorted by the security guard to St Anne’s Court. They’d almost reached their destination when Hilary lost her nerve. She didn’t want Nina to see her like this. To know what she’d done. To know the worst of her.
She’d come to a standstill in the rain and contemplated turning on her heel and running away. Perhaps sensing this, the security guard had smiled at her. ‘Come on, love, let’s not hang about and get any wetter than we already are.’
At some stage she’d lost her umbrella; maybe it had dropped out of her bag when she was looking at the prams. Which felt a lifetime ago. If only she could turn back the clock.
She thought the same thing now as she sat on the edge of her bed, that if only she hadn’t gone out today. If only she hadn’t succumbed to that powerful impulse to feel connected to Hugh and the grandchild she would never have.
She looked around her bedroom, seeing it through fresh eyes – through Nina’s eyes. The room was a mess; clothes were strewn about the place, mostly unwashed clothes that she couldn’t be bothered to deal with. What was the point? She didn’t see anyone these days. There was no reason to dress up. No reason to do anything really.
From downstairs she heard Nina moving about in the kitchen;doubtless she would be shocked at the state of it. Not so long ago, Hilary would have been appalled at anyone seeing her house in anything other than pristine order, but after today what did any of that matter?
With a colossal effort she stood up and went downstairs.
‘Ah, there you are,’ said Nina. ‘But you haven’t changed out of your wet clothes.’
‘No need,’ Hilary said tiredly. ‘They’re almost dry now.’
‘Fair enough. I’ve made some tea and the fire’s going nicely in the sitting room, let’s go in there, shall we?’
‘And then you can cross-examine me, is that what comes next?’ Her voice was flat, drained of emotion. She was all out of emotion now.
‘I wouldn’t put it quite like that,’ said Nina, ‘but I think you should tell me what’s been going on here since I last saw you.’
Hilary waited until they were seated, she on one sofa and Nina on the opposite one the other side of the coffee table. It felt like there was a yawning chasm between the two of them, as though they inhabited completely different worlds and in a way they did. Nina had moved on, she had dealt with her grief, just as Keith had; they were both forging ahead with their new lives, whereas she was left behind sinking ever deeper into the quicksand of her grief.
‘I know what you’re thinking,’ Hilary said after Nina had passed her a mug of tea, ‘that I’ve let things go.’
‘Well, it had crossed my mind that for a woman normally as houseproud as you, things aren’t quite as orderly as usual.’
‘It’s okay, you can be as blunt as you like. The house is a tip.’
‘Isn’t your cleaner coming in anymore?’
‘No. We fell out. I snapped at her one day and she didn’t come back. It was entirely my fault. I was quite rude to her.’
‘We could find a replacement, if you’d like.’
‘We?’ Hilary repeated.
Nina smiled. ‘I’d like to help if I can. I feel guilty that I haven’t been in touch since September.’
‘You have your life to live.’
‘So do you.’
‘I’m not sure it’s worth living any longer,’ Hilary said dully. She looked up from the mug of tea in her hands. ‘I suppose you’re shocked by my saying that.’
‘No. Because I know exactly how that feels. I experienced the same thing in the months after Hugh died.’
‘But you don’tnow.That’s the difference between us. And Keith. You’ve both found a way to accept that Hugh’s gone, but I haven’t, and I doubt I ever will.’
‘Has Keith been in touch recently?’ asked Nina following a lengthy pause.
Hilary shifted her gaze from Nina to the fire and the flames licking around the logs. ‘He’s left a few messages on the answerphone,’ she said, ‘but I haven’t listened to any of them. He wrote to me as well, but I didn’t read the letter, I threw it on the fire.’
‘You should talk to Keith,’ Nina said. ‘There are obviously important matters which the two of you need to discuss.’
