Cassie puffed out her cheeks and shook her head. ‘I doubt I’d be able to keep up with you. Anyway, you run at crazy o’clock in the morning when I’m still lounging around in my PJs with my first cup of coffee of the day.’
Nina smiled. ‘I’ve always been an early riser, even more so when I have something on my mind.’
Recalling Ben saying how early he’d seen Nina coming back from her run that morning, she said, ‘Was that why you were running at the crack of dawn today?’
An eyebrow raised, Nina said, ‘Keeping tabs on me?’
‘Not at all, but Ben saw you.’
When Nina didn’t say anything, but stared off into the distance, Cassie apologised again. ‘Sorry, I’m blundering in, just tell me to mind my own business. But I’d like to think that if you ever needed someone to talk to, you’d know you could come to me.’
Turning her head to look at Cassie, a frown creasing her brow, Nina said, ‘I received a letter yesterday which I knew would come one day, but I have no idea how to respond to it, and I know I must. I can’t put it off forever.’
Telling herself to tread carefully, Cassie said, ‘It’s a long shot, but is it anything I can help you with?’
‘Not really. I must make a decision which only I can do. It’s a decision which depending on what I decide, will either change my life completely or be something I might always regret.’
‘Well, I’m here for you if you need to talk it through. I know you have family you can turn to, and other friends you’ve known for a lot longer than you’ve known me, but sometimes it helps to talk to someone who’s outside of your immediate social circle.’
‘That’s very true,’ said Nina, ‘but I don’t think any amount of talking it through will help. You see, Hugh and I planned to have children, but we had problems conceiving and that led to us going down the IVF route. Then before we were successful, Hugh died, and now the clinic is asking me what I want to do with the embryos which are still being stored.’
‘What are the options?’
‘Do I give my permission for the embryos to be destroyed or donated to another couple, or do I give IVF another go before it’s too late? As you know, I turned forty-three earlier in the year, so time is against me. Basically, it’s now or never.’
Wow, thought Cassie, that really was a hell of a decision to make. ‘What are you leaning towards?’ she asked, reaching across the table to top up Nina’s glass.
‘Part of me wants to have Hugh’s child, to have that ultimate connection with the man I loved, but the thought of doing it alone terrifies me. Selfishly, I want to move forward with my life, to be the old me, or even a new and improved me.’
‘And a baby would stop you doing that?’
‘I don’t know is the honest answer. It would keep me tied to the past in so many ways, and would it be fair to a child to bring it into the world this way without a father? Wouldn’t it be selfish of me to do that?’
‘Most parents have children out of selfish need,’ said Cassie. ‘It’s the most natural thing in the world.’
Nina tutted. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said, ‘that was tactless. You brought up your daughter on your own, didn’t you?’
Cassie nodded. ‘Until she was ten, and then I met Ben who became a brilliant father to her. I never thought anyone would take me on with a young child, but he did. The same could happen to you.’
For the longest moment, Nina’s gaze became fixed on a kite wheeling overhead in the cloudless sky, its wings outstretched. Dusk had yet to materialise, and it seemed to Cassie that it felt like one of those lovely June evenings that would never end. Then with a slight turn of her head to look at Cassie, Nina said, ‘What would you do if you were in my shoes?’
Unsure how to answer such a precariously loaded question, Cassie hesitated, but before she could formulate a reply, Nina said, ‘Is there a reason why you and Ben haven’t had a child together?’
Of all the conversations they’d had since knowing one another, this was the most personal. She and Ben had of course discussed whether having a child was something they both desired, and wanting to be entirely honest with him, Cassie had forced herself to tell him what a terrifying time it had been for her when Emily had been a baby, especially after Drew had left them. She’d had her parents’ support, but most of the time she had been so sleep-deprived she’d thought she would lose her mind. The exhaustion had been crippling, physically and mentally.
It had been the interminable feeding and rocking Emily to sleep that had nearly broken her. For hours and hours, she had stood rocking the fractious bundle in her arms, standing just inches away from the cot in the hope that any minute, Emily’s relentlessly angry cries would subside, and Cassie would finally be able to lower her down, oh-so gently, and Emily would sleep. But Emily had the ability to sense the second Cassie even so much as contemplated placing her in the cot and the squalling would start all over again and with the volume increased. Added to this was the constant pain Cassie was in, with nipples cracked and sore and her breasts feeling like they were on fire.
Yes, it all passed eventually, and in the end every minute of the nightmare was worth it because she loved her daughter so much. But how could she ever let Ben see her like that, at her very worst? She’d told him everything, even crying as the memories had come flooding back, and he’d said he never wanted to make her do anything she wasn’t one hundred per cent happy doing.
‘I’m sorry,’ said Nina when Cassie hadn’t answered her question. ‘I shouldn’t have put you on the spot like that.’
‘Oh, don’t be sorry,’ Cassie said more lightly than she felt. ‘It’s all in the past. Besides, Ben has his work cut out with me, I’m the biggest kid going; there isn’t room for another one in our relationship!’ She laughed, trying not to think of the occasional doubt she experienced that maybe she had selfishly denied Ben the joy of being a real father to his own child.
Chapter Four
Venetia Randall-Jones had moved house many times in her life but at the age of seventy-nine, she planned on Hope Hall being her final resting place. It gave her the greatest satisfaction, knowing that being here meant she had finally come full circle.
The precious bottle now located, but sadly not any glass tumblers, she stood in the surprising order of the spacious sitting room with a bone china mug of single malt whisky in her hand. She drank deeply from it, savouring its reviving peaty smokiness.
