‘You’re saying I drove him away, straight into the arms of another woman who would let him share his grief? Is that it?’
‘Not entirely. But grief can be so divisive, and it hits people in different ways; it can drive a wedge through the most stable of relationships. You might not believe it, but I think you and I are quite similar in how we’ve tried to deal with Hugh’s death, we both shut down a part of ourselves in the hope it would protect us from the worst of the pain. I buried myself in working at the gallery and you buried—’
‘Myself in what exactly?’ Hilary cut in abruptly, as if ready to be offended.
‘You buried yourself in every memory you had of your son and … ’ Nina hesitated, but forced herself to go on because if she couldn’t say it now, she never would. ‘You buried yourself in dreaming of having a grandchild, maybe a little boy who would be just like his father and then you’d have something worth living for and some of the heartbreak might be eased.’
In the crashing silence that followed, and from the terrible look of anguish on Hilary’s face, Nina feared she had gone too far. But to retract or apologise would negate the truth and for too long Hilary had been allowed to avoid the truth. She had to accept that no amount of denial or angry grief would ever bring Hugh back. Nor would a grandchild.
‘Is it really so wrong of me to want something of my son?’ asked Hilary. ‘Isn’t the desire for a grandchild the most natural thing in the world, a necessary part of the circle of life?’
‘Not wrong at all, of course it isn’t.’
‘Then why won’t you give me a grandchild?’ Hilary cried out pitifully with a tearful choke in her voice.
‘You know it’s not as simple as that,’ Nina said gently. ‘Hugh and I put ourselves through the soul-destroying misery of IVF four times, and now you want me to do it again but on my own.’
‘You wouldn’t be on your own,’ Hilary said, ‘I’d be there for you. You’d have your parents too, and your friends.’
‘I’m sorry, Hilary, but it’s too late.’
‘You’re not too old, if that’s what you mean. Plenty of women older than you have had babies this way.’
‘It’s not my age,’ said Nina, ‘although admittedly it’s a small part of the decision I’ve at last reached.’ She took a breath and willed herself on. ‘I wanted you to be the first to know this, because I appreciate how much it matters to you, but I’ve decided that I’m not going to use any of the embryos which the clinic has been storing. The dream of having a child was always Hugh’s more than mine. Because I loved him so much, I was happy to have a family with him, but without him, it wouldn’t be the same.’
Hilary stared back at her, her eyes dark with sadness. ‘You’re not doing this to spite me, are you, to pay me back for what happened at the wedding?’
‘Of course I’m not. You should know me better than that.’
‘Is there nothing I can say to persuade you to change your mind?’
‘It’s taken a long time for me to reach the decision I have and it’s not one I’ve made lightly.’
‘Is it because you want to be with that man from the gallery?’
‘Jakob, you mean?’
‘Yes. Are you in love with him? Is it his child you want rather than Hugh’s?’
Nina shook her head vehemently. ‘There’s nothing between us. He isn’t around anymore. He’s gone.’
‘You looked verycloseat the wedding when you were dancing together,’ said Hilary. There was an archness to the way she’d phrased the remark.
‘I’d had too much to drink,’ Nina said lightly, ‘and lost myself in the moment.’
Hilary looked at her with shrewd penetrating eyes. ‘That doesn’t sound like you at all,’ she said.
‘You and I both behaved out of character that day.’
‘Quite.’
They sat in silence for a few awkward seconds until Hilary said, ‘Are you sure you wouldn’t like a proper drink, or maybe have a bite to eat? I’d be happy to cook something.’
‘I’m fine with water and I had lunch with a client today so I’m not that hungry now.’ She glanced at her watch. ‘And really I should go.’
Hilary looked disappointed. ‘Must you?’
‘You know how it is,’ Nina said, finishing her drink and getting to her feet, ‘there’s always a ton of emails to deal with.’
