‘I can talk about Hugh with Diane without worrying,’ he went on, ‘that I’m going to say the wrong thing and cause a massive scene. You know yourself that Hilary’s not entirely rational these days. The way she spoke to you last Monday, it was just awful. I admire your self-control; I really don’t know how you didn’t let rip at her.’
‘I think that you had that pretty much covered.’
He sighed. ‘I’m not proud of my outburst. I shouldn’t have done that in front of you. I could see how uncomfortable it made you feel.’
‘I was uncomfortable already.’
‘You know,’ he said after a short pause, ‘if you ever want to stop our Monday evening get-togethers, you can. Although I’d miss seeing you.’
She put down her mug and placed a hand over his. ‘I’d miss you too, Keith.’
‘But you’re entitled to live your life the way you choose. You mustn’t allow Hilary to bully you into doing anything you don’t want to.’
‘Are you talking specifically about me having another go at IVF?’
‘Yes, but not just that. You’re young and beautiful and you deserve to meet somebody special who will cherish you. Just as Hugh did.’
She was silent for a few seconds. ‘I wish it was as easy as that.’
‘But it could be. You owe it to yourself to let go of Hugh.’
‘But I don’t want to. I don’t ever want to forget him. How could you even suggest I do?’
‘Oh, darling girl, I’m not. But what I’ve come to realise is that the depth of real love you feel for another person cannot ever be destroyed by death alone.’
‘Is that what you’ve learnt from sharing your grief with Diane?’
‘Yes. As I said before, I can talk about Hugh with her without fear of the consequences. I can talk about the good times, relive the days when Hugh was a child, and all the things he did that made me so proud of him.’
‘I’m glad you’re able to do that,’ she said. She meant it, too.
‘Now the question I want to ask you is this,’ he said. ‘Do you have anyone with whom you can share your real feelings?’
‘I did try an online bereavement group, but it didn’t help, in fact it made me feel worse listening to everybody else’s grief. Which is not very generous of me, I know.’
‘I understand exactly what you mean, I felt that too initially. But then Diane and I made a connection and we decided to slip away from the group, or rather form our own self-help group, just the two of us.’
‘Does she live in Cambridge?’
‘No. Ely.’
‘Do you go and meet her there?’
‘Usually that’s where we meet up, but yesterday she came here. I knew it was a risk, that our friendship could be misconstrued, but I suppose a part of me didn’t care. What did it matter?’
‘Yet here you are, feeling the need to explain yourself,’ Nina said.
‘But only because I wanted you to know the truth of what you saw.’
‘I think the truth is, it’s more than just friendship which you have with this woman, isn’t it?’
He blinked and then smiled hesitantly. ‘Maybe.’
‘And what does that mean in the long term?’
‘I have no idea. It seems too cruel to leave Hilary when she’s still so consumed by her grief for Hugh. I’m worried how it would affect her. And I’m all too aware that if she knew how I was currently conducting myself, it would have just as grave an effect on her.’
‘But you can’t put your life on hold forever,’ Nina said.
