She knew that she was lucky to have a partner who was so looking forward to being a father. At the antenatal classes they’d attended together, some of the other fathers-to-be had admitted they were scared of the responsibility that lay ahead. Willow had wanted to put her hand up and say she knew just what they meant.
So maybe it was just as well Rick was so confident about parenthood; he would make up for any deficiency on her part. His certainty should reassure her, as should his desire for everything to be perfect for their baby’s arrival,and his need to protect her, but it only made her feel even more inadequate.
The intensity of his love sometimes made her feel as though she were being slowly suffocated. It was just all too much. She understood why he was like he was: it was because he was so scared of losing her. He’d lost too much before and couldn’t bear the thought of it happening all over again to him. But if only he didn’t love her so much.
And if only she could love him more.
Listening to the mobile as it came to a tinkling stop, she thought of all the times she’d regretted something she had done or something she had said. But what was the point in wishing she had lived her life differently? This was where she was now and for the sake of her daughter, she had to forget about how life might have been for her.
Her mother had been right to leap to the conclusion that she regretted a choice she had made. But then she had regretted so many choices over the years. She knew what Mum had also assumed was the problem, just as Martha had; that Lucas was at the bottom of it all. To a degree they were right, but not in the way they thought. What Lucas had done was to open her eyes to the truth, that she would rather be with someone like him than Rick.
With Lucas, even when they were just chatting on FaceTime she could be her true self, or as near to her true self as she could allow herself to be with anyone. With Rick she was always trying to be someone she wasn’t. It was the same with the gifts he bought for her: none of them was her taste, they were all Rick’s taste. Everything was a reflection on how he wanted her to be. Which only added to her sense of failure because she could never be that person.Just as she could never be the daughter her father had wanted her to be.
From nowhere she heard his voice.‘So you’re going to mess this up as well, are you, Willow? Well, well, there’s a surprise!’
No, she thought defiantly, this was her chance to change and prove her father wrong.
She placed her hands around the large solid ball of her stomach. ‘It’s a lot to ask of you,’ she said softly to her daughter, ‘but will you change me for the better? Will you be the making of me? Because something needs to be.’
Chapter Forty-Eight
‘There was really no need for you to do this.’
Jason tutted. ‘No need whatsoever, Martha, but I’m doing it all the same.’
‘You were just terrified I might go into premature labour and make a mess on the office carpets, weren’t you?’
‘If I was worried about that, do you think I’d have you in my car, running the risk of ruining the leather seats?’
Martha smiled. ‘It’s a nice car.’
‘So it bloody well should be for the price.’
‘Not much room in the back though,’ she said, twisting her head round to look at the minuscule space where there was just enough room to put a small overnight bag; that’s if you only needed a toothbrush.
‘One doesn’t buy an Audi R8 for space,’ said Jason. ‘It’s all about the performance.’
‘Obviously.’
In spite of her determination to remain at the office after being rescued from the lift, Martha was now reluctantly grateful that Jason had effectively taken her hostage and bundled her off the premises. She’d made it through the first meeting of the day, but when it was over and she’d risen to her feet to return to her desk,she’d suddenly felt dizzy and had felt herself falling.
When she came to, and in her befuddled light-headed state, she was vaguely aware that she was on the floor and Jason was barking out orders to give her space and for someone to fetch a glass of water. Within a few minutes her head had cleared, and she was being helped to her feet. Feeling acutely embarrassed at the commotion she had caused, she’d apologised, but Jason told her to be quiet, and what was more, he was taking her straight home. In vain she’d protested that she was perfectly all right, but he was having none of it.
‘We’ll call your husband from my car and explain that you’re on your way home,’ he’d told her.
The worst of it had been when she’d stepped into the lift and had experienced what she could only think was a mild form of a panic attack. The baby must have picked up on her reaction and had started jumping about inside her like a gymnast performing backflips.
‘Yeah, I know, a scary prospect getting stuck a second time in the lift, and with me for company,’ Jason had quipped, taking her arm. ‘But let’s work on the theory that rarely does lightning strike twice in the same place. Especially on the same day.’ He’d kept his hand on her arm all the way down to the underground car park.
Now, as she sat in the passenger seat of his car as he drove at speed out of London, she said, ‘You realise you’re going to have to shoehorn me out of this seat, don’t you?’
‘Don’t worry about that; if needs be, I’ll use a crowbar, then sling you over my shoulder.’
‘With the extra weight I’m carrying on board, you’ll give yourself a hernia.’
He shot her a glance. ‘It would be worth it though, just to see the look of horror on your face.’
‘I think I’ve given you enough entertainment for one day,’ she said.
