Back downstairs, she took out her mobile from her coat pocket. It was the mobile she hadn’t been able to find the morning after Rick had been so violent with her. It had been found, along with her laptop cable, by his work colleagues when they’d been clearing out his office desk. He must have deliberately taken the phone and cable with him that morning when he’d gone to work, hoping that it would prevent her from contacting her mother and sister. That he could have been so calculating still hurt Willow, but she refused to dwell on just how far he might have gone in controlling her, or how badly he might have ended up hurting her. If she did let her thoughts wander in that direction, it never did her any good. For her baby’s sake –for Serenity’s sake– she had to lock that part of Rick’s personality away and never let it affect her relationship with her daughter.
When she thought of Rick, she felt no real depth of grief. How could she when she hadn’t loved him?She had cared for him and tried so very hard to love him, but it just hadn’t been there. She doubted that he had loved her either, not in the proper sense of loving another person. What she felt for him was profound shock at the manner of his death. And guilt that maybe she had been the reason for him dying. The guilt was fading, but it still had the power to creep up on her now and then. But she was determined not to let it get the better of her.
Without a doubt her relationship with Rick had changed the course of her life, just as being raped all those years ago had done, but this time it was different. Whereas previously, as a result of a bad decision on her part, she had been set adrift not knowing what to do with her life, now, with a child to take care of, she had a sense of purpose. The way ahead was unclear, but she knew she would do whatever it took to give her daughter the best life she could.
She was running the risk of waking Lucas in LA, but she rang him anyway. He had frequently said that she could call him any time she wanted and while she was mindful of his work hours, they had spoken quite often. If she ever found herself worrying about the future, he could always say something that made her laugh or helped her to see things with a fresh perspective. She had come to value the closeness of their friendship and saw him as the brother she would have always liked to have. Such was their closeness, she had even told him about being raped as a student.
He answered after only a few rings.
‘Is everything all right?’ he asked groggily.
She apologised for waking him and launched herself into the reason for her call.
‘Willow,’ he said, ‘just let my dad help you. It would mean a lot to him. His offer is completely genuine and I for one think it’s a great idea. I can just picture you there and, speaking as her uncle, I think it would be great for my niece.’
Smiling at the way he regarded himself as an uncle to her baby, she could picture herself here as well, and being happy.
‘What don’t you like about the idea?’ Lucas asked her.
‘I feel guilty about saying yes,’ she said. ‘I don’t feel I deserve it.’
‘What do any of us really deserve? But you certainly didn’t deserve what Rick did to you, or what happened to you as a student. So accept Ellis’s offer and see how it pans out. It’ll give you time to decide what you’re going to do next.’
‘Next is what worries me. I currently have no real means of supporting myself.’
‘We’ve discussed this before. Rick made his daughter the sole beneficiary in his will, so once the legal side of things has been resolved, and his flat sold, that should give you some sort of financial security.’
‘Forher, not me,’ she said.
Of all the things that Rick had done, what had surprised Willow the most was that he had been so organised as to have arranged an online will leaving everything to his child who was yet to be born. Who did that?Other than a complete control freak, was what Martha had said; what’s more, a control freak who didn’t want to leave anything to the mother of his child. When Willow had been informed of the existence of the will, it had reminded her how cross Rick had been when she had laughed about making a will herself.
‘Technically you’re right,’ said Lucas. ‘But as the child’s mother you will have access to funds to enable you to provide for her,so that’s something. And don’t forget those shares you have which you told me your father left you and the trust fund you’ll have access to before too long. If needs be you can cash those in. Now promise me you’ll accept Ellis’s offer so that I can go back to sleep.’
Willow knew that she would be mad to turn down the offer and really, what alternative did she have?
‘Okay,’ she said, ‘I will. Oh, and before I leave you to sleep, I’ve come up with a name for your niece.’
‘About bloody time,’ he said good-humouredly. ‘What is it?’
‘It’s Serenity. What do you think?’
‘I think it’s great, and very you. Now go and give Ellis the good news.’
‘I will,’ she said.
After she’d rung off, she looked around what was going to be her new home and began to visualise herself living here. It would, she had to admit, be perfect.
Chapter Fifty-Nine
Rick’s funeral service was held at the crematorium in Chichester four days before Christmas. The funeral directors had suggested that it might be better to put it off until January, but Willow wouldn’t be swayed; she didn’t want to start the new year with it hanging over her. It was a decision Martha and the rest of the family had fully supported, agreeing that it would be better to get it over and done with, and with as little fuss and bother as possible. Something else Willow had insisted on was that the service was held conveniently near Tilsham rather than in London. She’d said she had wanted to save them the bother of a depressing journey into town. Had the decision been down to Martha, she would have chucked Rick’s body into the Thames and left it at that!
It had been a perfunctory and austere service. The only mourners present, if you could call them that, were Mum, Ellis, Martha and Willow – with Serenity fast asleep in her pram. Tom couldn’t make it as he’d driven up to Yorkshire first thing this morning to stay at his sister’s before bringing his father back to spend Christmas with them. Tom’s sister and her husband were taking off to Antigua for the festive period.
There had been no hymns sung during the service, and the eulogy had been mercifully short.Martha had held her sister’s hand the whole time, not because she was worried Willow might cry, but to show her solidarity. It was something Martha regretted not doing in the past; she had always been too quick to criticise or judge Willow, and she had vowed never to do that again. She owed it to Willow to be a better sister, certainly a more loyal one.
But was it blind unquestioning loyalty on Martha’s part that had caused her to be so blinkered and biased when it came to their father? And loyalty too that had made Mum endure the periodic bouts of abuse to keep the family she loved together? Was there a case for there being too much loyalty within a family, that sometimes it was misplaced and not deserved? Perhaps so.
It upset her to think that because of her devoted loyalty to her father, she had lapped up the attention he had given her. That he had so obviously favoured her over Willow was something she had simply accepted. Not once had she challenged it. Why would she when she had thought that it was Willow’s fault for always annoying Dad? But now she felt sickened by the memory and she was adamant that if she and Tom were lucky enough to have more than one child, she would never favour one child over the other.
