How could anyone help her? She was beyond help. She had brought this on herself and somehow, she would have to live with the consequences.
She did her best to tidy herself up, then opened the door, all set to make light of feeling ‘a little under the weather’. But seeing the look on Romily’s face was too much and she had to bite on her lower lip to keep it from wobbling and betraying her.
‘Come with me,’ Romily said, taking her by the hand.
Annelise did as she said and allowed herself to be led along the carpeted landing to Romily’s bedroom. Again at Romily’s instruction, she sat on the window seat. ‘I used to love sitting here listening to you reading to me when I was little,’ she said absently.
‘It seems like only yesterday,’ Romily responded, sitting next to her.
‘Life is so much easier when you’re a child, isn’t it?’ Annelise said.
‘It doesn’t seem that way at the time, but it is. When’s the baby due?’
‘You never did beat about the bush, did you?’
‘I’ve never seen the point. I’m assuming nobody knows about it?’
‘Stanley knows.’ Then before Annelise could stop them, tears filled her eyes. Romily magically produced a handkerchief. Annelise blew her nose and took a steadying breath. ‘Nothing ever shocks you, does it?’ she said.
‘Very little.’
‘How did you guess? What gave me away?’
‘Let’s just put it down to a sixth sense. Whenisthe baby due?’
‘July. I think.’
‘And the father, Harry, does he know?’
Annelise shook her head. ‘I only realised, or rather, I only accepted that I was pregnant when I came here and started feeling so queasy. I can’t help but wonder if subconsciously I already knew that I was pregnant the morning I spoke to Harry shortly before I caught the train to come home. I so badly wanted him to come with me and I suppose I was testing him. If he agreed to drop everything I would know then that he ...’
‘That he would what?’ asked Romily when she hesitated.
Annelise sighed and dabbed at her eyes with the handkerchief. ‘That he really did care for me. That there wasn’t anything he wouldn’t do for me.’
‘But he failed the test?’ suggested Romily. ‘Is that what happened?’
‘Yes, and in an instant the scales fell away from my eyes. I knew then that I didn’t matter sufficiently for him to leave his wife and commit himself to me.’
‘Would he seek a divorce if he knew you were pregnant?’
Such had been Annelise’s complete turnaround in her feelings towards Harry, she had not asked herself this question. ‘I’ve seen him for what he actually is,’ she said, ‘a liar and a cheat. I could never trust him. And I’m appalled with myself that I fell for him the way I did.’
‘Did you love him very much?’
‘I did, to the point of pain. But now I hate him. Truly I do. And I’ve never felt that way about anyone before.’
Romily put a hand on her shoulder and squeezed it gently. ‘My advice is don’t waste your energy on hating him. You have far more important things to think about.’
‘Yes,’ Annelise said with a heartfelt sigh. ‘My life at Oxford is now over. St Gertrude’s likes to be regarded as a progressive college, but a pregnant unmarried junior fellow would be considered a reformist step too far. It would be a wholly inappropriate example to the undergraduates.’
‘Let’s not get ahead of ourselves,’ said Romily. ‘It might be too soon for you to answer this, but do you plan to keep the baby?’
‘Or give it up for adoption, you mean? Because the third option just isn’t an option for me. I couldn’t do that.’
‘That’s not what I’m asking you to do. But how do you feel about adoption?’
Fresh tears pricked at the backs of Annelise’s eyes. Every time she thought she had decided what she would do, she lost her nerve. It was a constant battle between her brain and her heart. Her brain said she should give the child up, but her heart pleaded to keep it.
