Aren’t I the best judge of what’s fair for me?he wanted to say, but he knew there was no point.
‘Will you stay for a drink to warm you up?’ she asked. ‘It is Christmas, after all.’
‘I don’t want to intrude.’
‘Don’t be silly. Since when have you ever intruded? To be honest, Edmund could do with being cheered up. He’s upset that we can’t spend the day at the hospital with Hope as we’d planned. We were on our way home last night when we skidded off the road.’
‘You weren’t hurt, were you?’
‘No. It happened in slow motion, so not even a bump. But the car’s stuck in the hedge and so there’s no way we can get to the hospital now. Edmund started talking about walking, but it would take him the best part of the day to make it all the way to Chelstead.’
‘Why don’t you both come to Island House with me?’ he said. ‘I’m sure Romily wouldn’t mind two extra for lunch; you know how she likes to gather everyone together.’ He was about to add that it would be like the old days, when he stopped himself short. With Hope fighting for her life, and Annelise pregnant, a comment like that was hopelessly inappropriate. How could anything be like it used to be?
‘Why not telephone Romily to see if she has enough food to go around?’ he said.
Annelise didn’t look convinced. ‘I’m not sure Edmund’s in the mood for enjoying himself to that extent.’
‘A change of scene might do you both good,’ he suggested. Selfishly all he could think was that Christmas Day spentwithAnnelise would be better than without her.
ChapterSeventy-Eight
Chelstead Cottage Hospital, Chelstead
December 1962
Hope
Hope had the curious sensation of floating. It was as if whatever had been keeping her anchored had released its hold and her body, which had felt so leaden and inert, was now as light as air.
Was this death? Was she finally to be released from the cruel torture that had robbed her of all movement? She had a sense of her mind clearing too, as it did when a migraine passed. Or when she came through a period of time with the Black Dog. Was this what was meant about being made whole when entering the state of heaven?
Not by any means was she a regular churchgoer, but she knew her Bible, and if there was one quote that had been a comfort to her when Dieter died, it was Revelations 21:4.
‘And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.’
She had hung on to the belief –the hope– that it was true, that Dieter was in a better place. Such was her heartbreak at his death she had considered ending her own life to be with him. All that had really stopped her from doing so was the fear she would then be bound for hell and not heaven. Forever parted from Dieter.
There had been times when Hope had doubted the existence of heaven, but hell, oh yes, she knew that hell existed. So much of her life had been just that, and never more so than lying here in this bed powerless to move or speak.
Her body feeling yet lighter still, and ever more convinced the end was drawing near for her, she suddenly wanted Edmund and Annelise to be with her. She wanted to say goodbye to them. Where were they? Had they forgotten to come? Or had they grown bored of sitting here with her, constantly having to think of things to say?
She wanted to say sorry to Edmund for having been such a poor wife to him. And Annelise, the dear girl had not been given the love she deserved from Hope. And now it was too late to explain how desperately sorry she was that she had failed them. It was also too late to wallow inself-pity. What she had to do before she ran out of time was confess her sins and seek forgiveness. God loved adeath-bed act of contrition, didn’t he?
She was just marshalling her penitent thoughts when she heard singing. Was that the sound of angels she could hear?
As the singing grew louder and more distinct, she could clearly hear that it was ‘Away in a Manger’ being sung. Did angels sing Christmas carols?
Then she remembered that it was Christmas Day. The nurses had been chattering on about it last night, how it would definitely be a white Christmas. They had been worried about getting home and whether or not this morning’s shift of nurses would make it in. Somebody had joked that if the snow kept up, they’d be snowed in and would have to spend Christmas here.
Was that why Edmund and Annelise weren’t here? She remembered them saying they would spend the day with her. Edmund had said they would have their very own Christmas Day together, complete with decorations from home which Annelise had put up in her room.
The singing was much louder now, and ‘Away in a Manger’ had been replaced with the irritatingly jolly ‘Jingle Bells’. She wished whoever was singing would go away. If she was about to die, she did not want ‘Jingle Bells’ to be the last thing she heard.
Stop it!she wanted to shout.
Go and annoy somebody else!
Leave me in peace!
