When she thought about it now, she had been no better than a prisoner with Luigi’s obsessive nature controlling her life, making her his, and his alone. It meant that she’d had no one to turn to, no one she could trust. Consequently she had been left to face an unimaginable mess alone. Had that been why she had responded to Roddy’s telegram the way she did? Had she subconsciously thought of Island House as a temporary place of sanctuary where she might be able to sort out her life?
‘You’re not enjoying yourself, are you? Are you ashamed to be seen dancing with me?’
His first words since asking her to dance had Allegra tilting her head back to look up into Elijah’s face. She almost dreaded what she might see.
‘Of course I’m not ashamed to be seen with you,’ she said. ‘How could you say such a thing?’
‘Because you’re not the girl I once knew. Neither of us can pretend you are.’
‘And you’re not the boy you once were either. You’re so full of anger, and I can understand why.’
‘Can you? Can you really?’
‘Please, Elijah, why don’t you just say what’s on your mind and be done with it?’
‘Maybe I’m waiting for you to do the same.’
‘Will you listen to me if I do?’
He nodded.
‘You said earlier that I’m not the girl I once was; well, nor am I the woman you think I am now. I’ve made some terrible choices in life, but the worst one was to leave you the way I did, to say the things I did. Maybe I did it that way because I was frightened you’d try to stop me if I showed the slightest weakness.’
‘I would never have stopped you from pursuing your dream,’ he said with a frown. ‘Never.’
She shook her head. ‘My dream, as you call it, has been nothing but a sham. I’ve made some awful mistakes, but one in particular that will live with me forever.’
He tightened his hold on her, as if he were afraid she might escape. ‘Are you sure it was a mistake? My grandfather always used to say that mistakes are like weeds, in that there’s really no such thing as a weed, it’s merely a plant in the wrong place. So maybe you need to look at what you think is a mistake from a different angle.’ The tone of his voice had changed; there was a lightness to it now.
‘I wish it were that simple,’ she said sadly.
‘Life is as simple or as complicated as you want to make it.’
‘Do you really believe that?’
‘I do. But then I’m just a lowly gardener, whereas the world you live in might be different.’
‘Oh caro,’ she said miserably, ‘I’m not successful. Not in the way you think. In Italy, there are any number of singers like me, plenty who are a lot better.’
‘You’re just being modest.’
His misplaced belief in her was suddenly too much to bear. ‘You don’t know what you’re talking about!’ she said. ‘You know nothing about the struggle I’ve had in order to succeed. You know nothing! Niente!’ Anger and shame and disappointment all rolled into one and she pushed him away angrily, before turning and blundering her way through the other dancers.
She kept on running, not caring where she was going. On and on she ran until her breath was ragged and her heart felt like it was going to burst out of her chest. Then she dropped to her knees on the grass and sobbed, for the mess she’d made of everything, for the child she was carrying, and the mother she could never be to it. She sobbed for Elijah too, for his absurd blind faith that she was better than he was. She wasn’t! She was utterly worthless. And still she hadn’t had the courage to beg his forgiveness for the way she had treated him.
She was crying so hard, she didn’t hear the footsteps coming up behind her in the darkness. Not until she felt the pressure of a hand on her shoulder did she know that somebody was kneeling on the grass beside her.
‘I’m sorry,’ Elijah said. ‘I didn’t mean to upset you. Forgive me, please.’
She shuddered and tried to compose herself. ‘Please … please don’t be nice. Not when it’s me who needs to be forgiven for leaving you the way I did all those years ago. For having so much stubborn pride. For telling you that I was so much better than you because I had ambition and you didn’t. I called you a nobody, and said that you would always be a nobody. It was a vile thing to say.’ She looked up at him, tears streaming down her cheeks. ‘I was wrong. I wasn’t better than you. Far from it. Forgive me, please, please don’t stay angry with me!’
‘Oh Allegra, of course I forgive you. And I’m sorry I was angry with you. It was the shock of seeing you again after all those years. Back then, I knew you’d go one day, that I’d lose you, you were like a caged bird here, but I also knew that one day you’d come back.’
‘Why? Why would you think that?’
He shrugged. ‘I don’t know. But you did, didn’t you? You’re here now.’
‘I’m back because I’m a failure. My wretched ambition hasn’t brought me happiness, or even success. Not on the scale you believe it has. My stupid big dream of becoming a famous opera singer was nothing more than a dream. And now it’s gone. My voice has gone and … and I’m expecting a baby. There. What do you think of me now?’
