With my eyes closed,I didn’t have to look into the swirling Aurora taking up Calix’s eyes. I couldn’t take it right now.
Magic. I needed to focus on calling my magic. If Calix truly knew who my parents were, I needed that information. I wanted to shake him until the information shook out from him, but I could understand his reasoning, as much as I hated it. I wouldn’t want him to tell me only for it to turn out to be wrong.
That would be even worse.
So I tried to do as he said. I tried to look inside myself and find the place I felt before when my magic erupted out of me in that great burst of light. But I couldn’t find it.
I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to force myself to connect to… something. I could still feel the magic all around me. I could sense it emanating from Calix. I could perceive the night magic in the very ground itself, floating through the air on invisible currents of energy. But inside of me… nothing responded.
I let out a screech of impotent frustration as I opened my eyes.
“I can’t find it.” I ground out.
Calix’s brow rose at my tone, or possibly my screeching, but he urged me on nonetheless, “Try again.”
I glared at him as I tried, again and again. But I just… couldn’t. I watched Calix as his brow furrowed, and he began pacing in a circle around me. “Why don’t you try shifting? See if that gets us anywhere?”
I rolled my eyes, “Yes, because that sounds so much easier.”
A soft laugh hit my ears, and I whipped around to see Calix was smiling. I glared back at him.
“Is this funny to you?” I demanded, my hands going to my hips.
“You’re adorable when you’re frustrated.” He smiled wider, and I tilted my head, giving him a look that certainly conveyed how unimpressed I was with his response.
He just shook his head at me. “Try to shift.”
“This is ridiculous!” I threw my hands up in the air. “I can’t even find the magic inside me, let alone figure out how to shift. What exactly do you expect me to do? Just magically know how?!” My rage rose inside me, fast and consuming, more intense than it had been since the magical cage I’d been kept in was unlocked. It felt familiar and comfortable, and I let myself sink into it.
“I don’t know how to do this!” I practically screeched at him. But the bastard of a mate I apparently now had just kept smiling, making my rage rise higher and hotter, as he stepped forward.
“Are you sure you aren’t, maybe not consciously, but perhapssubconsciously, avoiding connecting to your magic because you don’t want to?” he asked softly, staring down at me intensely.
I rocked back on my heels, staring down those gorgeous purple eyes that I currently wanted to gouge out. I ground my teeth before I opened my mouth to spit venom back at him, “You thinkI’mdoing this?! I want to know who my parents are! I want to be whole!”
I raised my hands and pushed as hard as I could against those stupidly broad shoulders.
Only, I’d forgotten my new Fae strength. He went skidding backward, catching himself before he could fall completely.
Fucking Nox.
But he just righted himself with a smirk, meeting my wide and furious eyes. “I think it’s easy to live with the knowledge that being Fae was something done to you, and harder to live with the knowledge that this is what you’ve always been. You hated the Fae for most of your life. And now here you are, Fae yourself. You have always been Fae, Asteria. You were never human. And embracing your magic, or your animal? That means accepting that truth. That this isn’t just something that happened, it’swho you are.”
His words felt like a dash of cold water, despite the way they heated my bloodstream. The truth slapping me in the face.
He was right.
I didn’t want to face what I was. What I always had been. I knew it. I’d even said it, but I hadn’t trulyacceptedit.
I wasn’t human. I wasneverhuman.
All those years I spent living as one were nothing but an illusion. Magic cast for some reason I couldn’t even fathom. Only that I was probably in danger then, and likely in dangernowwith the spell broken. But I would never learn the truth if I couldn’t figure out who to ask, and considering I was a baby at the time, my birth parents were the best bet for answers. And I couldn’t confirm who they were without my magic.
I used to fantasize about living a better life all the time. I’d look at the stars and dream of being a noble lady or a princess. Of handsome princes and kings fighting for my hand. Of a life where I wasn’t a slave. The knowledge that it could have been my life had things been different stung in ways I couldn’t explain.
Especially since I hated most of those whohadlived that life. I always thought humans were better because they lived more truly. But now… now I didn’t know anything. I was so confused. So lost. Like I’d been scattered to the winds.
I closed my eyes as I fought with myself, but I opened them as my rage grew hotter, that burning in my bloodstream, fighting to be let out. I coughed, blinking as a trail of smoke escaped my lips. I looked wildly at Calix, who only smiled widely. I coughed again, and again, until…
