In the safety of my friend’s arms, I let down all of my walls, the ice armor I’d kept around my heart unable to be pieced back together, leaving me to just—break.
My sobs returned as everything that had occurred, everything that I felt, just hit me again and again—wave after wave, leaving me drowning in their wake. I thought I’d cried myself out, but I hadn’t known anything. My tears had just been renewing until I unleashed them once more.
Priscilla murmured soothingly to me, petting my head and letting me get everything out. A steady rock in the storm I feltconsumed by, one I grabbed onto with both hands in the hope I wouldn’t be washed away completely. My tears finally slowed, but my grief and shattered heart remained, causing me to slump into her arms.
“I’m sorry.” I whispered, wiping the remains of my tears off my cheeks. Embarrassment over the state she found me in rose up, but I was so worn that I couldn’t even embrace the feeling, clinging to her in a way I had never dared before.
“Oh, Asteria.” Priscilla replied, her voice soft and sweet, full of sympathy and genuine kindness. “Don’t ever apologize for feeling what you need to.”
Her words hit me hard, my eyes closing as I took them in. I’d never allowed myself to feel what I needed to. I tried to lock emotions away that I felt were too dangerous or tried to bury them when my rage or despair rose out of my control—making it seem like they controlled me instead of the other way around. They were a fire in my soul that would catch and burn, and I feared I would be left as nothing but cinders in the aftermath.
My inclination to hide my emotions away was coming back to bite me. By the Otherworld, I had no idea how to deal with the fallout of the hopeless grief that consumed me.
It felt like the gloom of Dusk had settled into my bones, leaving me to feel the heavy weight of it in my soul. I was swallowed by a gray pall, like all color had been leached away.
“I don’t know what to do.” I said miserably.
“None of us do.” Priscilla started, her smile full of understanding. “Life is all about living despite the unknown. Facing down the knowledge that anything could come next and moving forward despite it.”
A breath whooshed out, torn from my chest at her words. The unknown—I had feared it my entire life, wishing I could fly up to the sky and escape the fate that awaited me on Adamah. But that was never going to happen. I forced myself off the floor. For oncein my life, I wasn’t alone. Priscilla was right here, helping me through everything. Maybe the unknown wasn’t as frightening when you weren’t forced to face it alone.
“I don’t know how to thank you for this.” I said as I threw my arms around Priscilla, hugging her tightly. My voice strangled with emotion as I held her, my friend. One I could now fully admit to myselfwasa friend.
Love wasn’t as much of a weakness as the fear that always lived within me—of the unknown, of the pain caused by loss. Those fears had kept me captive in their grip, and as I loosened that grip and let them go, a lightness brightened my soul. So damaged by the past day, but I could swear stardust swept through me, it felt so sublime.
“You don’t need to. That’s what friends are for.” Priscilla replied as she tightened her arms around me, blonde hair spilling over my shoulder as she rested her forehead on it.
I would have to learn exactly how friends, like we now were, behaved with one another. My relationship with Soren was certainly not a good template to work from.
Chapter 15
Thenext few days passed with only Priscilla keeping me company. Why Cyrus decided to be magnanimous and let me have time to myself, I wasn’t sure—but I was going to take full advantage and ready myself for the inevitable. I would be forced to spend time with him again, and I would have to keep the image of Tavarius from flashing in front of my eyes every time I did.
I armored myself internally, but not from connection to others this time. Cyrus alone was the one I needed to keep at bay. I would have to play this game with him once more, and I was going in knowing how brutal my end would be should I mess this up. Getting caught wasn’t an option. Iwouldfind a way to get myself and my friends far from those like Cyrus who would harm us on a whim.
On the fourth day, when Priscilla appeared, Cyrus was standing beside her. My reprieve from him was at an end. Priscilla’s wince when she made eye contact communicated silently that Cyrus’s presence wasn’t going to lead to anything pleasant.
“Asteria, Dawn Kingdom has answered my proposal faster than anticipated.” Cyrus said with a smirk lighting up his face, leaning back against the doorframe. It took me a moment to register what he was talking about before I remembered his father had ordered him to find a wife. He’d mentioned asking the princess of Dawn, but it had only been a few days. It seemed unusual for a royal to answer an offer so significant within such a short timeframe. They generally ruminate over decisions for ages.
“They’ll be here today.” Cyrus continued, looking at me with narrowed eyes. “Princess Zerlina will be here—ostensibly to see if we are compatible, but in truth, it will be to ensure our marriage benefits her and her family. Dawn’s royal family will want to ensure this union brings them enough additional power and status to make it worth their time.” Cyrus scanned my body with his eyes, assessing my appearance.
“As my personal slave,” Cyrus said, for the first time referring to me as what I truly am, and not dancing around the truth. “You will be representing me. While the royal family won’t bother themselves with slaves, we must ensure that your presence behind me makes the right impression when anyone does look at you.”
“And with your ethereal beauty, it’s inevitable they will.” Cyrus stepped towards me, his hand reaching out and fingering a lock of my hair. I’d never felt more like a doll being made to his specifications.
“Ensure she looks her best for this.” Cyrus’s voice hardened as he let go of my hair and turned to Priscilla with his instruction.He spun back to me, and his harsh appraisal left me unsure of what had changed—other than him getting a taste of what he wanted. He sang my praises for months, used my body as he wished, and now he stared at me like I offended him with my appearance.
“Get rid of those bags under her eyes, will you?” Cyrus said to Priscilla, before leaving the room entirely, silence the only thing in his wake.
“What a dick.” Priscilla’s voice broke the silence a moment later. I let out a surprised laugh, causing Priscilla to smile widely.
I realized I hadn’t laughed since the day Tavarius died. After a few days, I was feeling a bit more put together, less like shattered glass, but I knew now I had been changed irrevocably from it. Events of that magnitude had a way of lingering in one’s soul, reshaping it until you become someone else on the other side.
I wasn’t sure who I was becoming, but I now recognized the folly in my prior actions. I didn’t see any other way forward than embracing the changes that were overtaking me. I was currently lingering in some middling stage—between who I once was and whoever I might soon become. A part of me was even excited to see who I may be at the end. Slavery didn’t offer one many choices in discovering who they truly were, so I would have to muddle through until we found our way out.
Priscilla helped me get ready, ensuring my dark circles and all evidence of my breakdown and subsequent days of wallowing were covered up. She pulled out an elegant dress with a sweetheart neckline that was created to mimic twilight with an ombre of pink, purple, and gray shifting into one another. The gray section at the bottom flared out dramatically over my hips, and I twirled in front of the mirror just to make Priscilla smile as it lifted and spun, giving a peek at the dusky pink heels on my feet.
“Remember, no matter what happens, you are Asteria Faelynn Zagreus. You are strong. You are fierce. And you will not cower before any Fae royal who thinks themselves superior to you.” Priscilla said as she grabbed my hands, squeezing them as she gave me a steadfast nod, helping raise my confidence as I went to face the beasts beyond my door.
