“Well, I’m glad for that at least.” Tavarius smiled slightly, his brows smoothing. His words were quiet, but strong and honest.
“And where have you been?” Emmie asked Tavarius, as she hit his arm playfully. “I haven’t seen you in over a week!”
“Aw, don’t worry, girlie, I just had to go fetch some exotic ruby and sapphire roses her majesty insisted we must have in the garden.” Tavarius chuckled, as he gazed at Emmie. “To compliment the roses from Pranvera, of course.” He rolled his eyes skyward. “It’s absurdly expensive to have them shipped in from Gemaria, even more so than the ones from Pranvera. The Elves and their crystal magic.” He scoffed. “Less powerful than celestial, but you wouldn’t know it with their attitude about it. How the royals waste their money on such things is beyond me.” He shook his head with dismay clear in his eyes.
“You’re a gardener then?” I tilted my head to the side as I inquired. He had the look of a man who worked outdoors, but I wouldn’t have pictured a gardener. A stable hand, perhaps. But agardener? It seemed too delicate a task for his rough hands and rugged physique. What did I know about gardening, though?
“I know, I don’t much look the type for flowers, do I?” Tavarius shook as he laughed, then winked at me. “But as it turns out, I have the magic touch.” I couldn’t help the laugh that forced itself through my lips, Emmie’s bubbly laughter ringing beside it.
“Now please tell me, Asteria, that you’ll be around more? It’ll certainly make me hurry back from any assignments.” He winked again as I rolled my eyes at him. His blatant flirting was kind of adorable, I had to admit.
“You better be careful, Tav. You don’t want to anger a crown prince!” Emmie’s giggle was slightly forced. She tried to keep her face playful, but I could see genuine worry in her eyes.
“Don’t worry about me, girlie. I can take care of myself.” Tavarius bumped his shoulder into hers as he smiled down at her. He seemed all smiles, this one. It was infectious, being around someone who seemed so genuinely happy. “And if the lovely Asteria wants to be in my company, well, I won’t refuse. The prince will have to learn to share.” He wiggled his eyebrows up and down.
“You’re bad.” I shook my head, but I was smiling anyway, enjoying the more playful flirting. It was a welcome relief compared to the gross flirting and leers I’d been subjected to over the years.
“Oh, you have no idea, Asteria. But I’d love for you to find out.” Tavarius leaned closer to me. “What do you say?” His tone dropped lower, and my core responded, helpless against the man’s charm as it clenched hard against the nothingness inside.
It’d been so long since I’d had a release not coaxed by my own hand, and I was growing increasingly agitated by my lack of sex. Since I refused to give in to Cyrus, I was left being constantly teased into a state of arousal that made the situation more desperate. But Cyrus was a line I wasn’t willing to cross,and while my moral half cheered for me standing strong, my immoral side booed loudly. I was learning to live with the duality.
Tavarius could certainly come in handy. He was ruggedly attractive, had an easy confidence that was appealing, and looked like he knew how to have a good time in bed. But was Emmie right? I considered what Cyrus would do if he found out, and a cold dread slithered down my spine. I already knew before I asked the question that yes, Cyrus would act against Tavarius, harshly at that. I sighed, my dejected eyes meeting his.
Tavarius seemed to read my thoughts, as he leaned down to kiss me on the cheek, just to the side of my lips. The placement reminded me too much of when Cyrus had done the same. My eyes fluttered closed briefly, but I opened them as he pulled back.
“If things change, you know where to find me.” With a last wink at me and a goodbye to Emmie, Tavarius walked off, whistling jauntily as he did.
“Thank you.” Emmie exhaled her relief. I arched an eyebrow in question, and she gave me a sad smile. “I know you were interested, but I also know what Prince Cyrus would do if you were to sleep with someone else. Tav is such a good man—” Her voice dropped to a whisper. “I hate to think of what the prince would do to him.”
“It’s better this way anyway.” I told her, shivering at the bleak thought of what one mistake on my part could bring. “I shouldn’t get close to anyone.”
“What do you mean?” Emmie turned to me, confusion lining her brow. “Because of Prince Cyrus?”
“No, because of life.” I chuckled wryly, shaking my head. “The Fae may be able to afford to have connections, but not us. Caring for people in this world is too dangerous.” The thought made my heart feel strangely heavy in my chest, but it was the hard truth.
“You can’t go through life without caring, Asteria.” Emmie said softly, her hand landing on my shoulder. “Caring for people is what holds us to this world. It connects us and gives us roots. It’s better to fill your life with happiness for as long as you have it, than to hold back and live a life full of loneliness and misery. That’s not really living.”
Her words were like a dagger, aimed straight at the heart of the little girl inside me who wanted nothing more than to fit in and belong. Her words reached that young girl who had hope, before she realized it was pointless and let her anger take over instead. The one who wanted friends and loved ones beyond her busy parents. The girl who was often alone until Soren approached her and became her friend. Even still, my bruised heart couldn’t take letting someone in fully. Years went by, and still, I couldn’t let go of the fear. Nor the knowledge that it was all temporary. Placement Day would come and take it all away. I’d been alone for so long, and I’d had a smidgen of hope that would change here, but that was quickly dashed.
I’d been alone this long, I could bury that little girl back down deep, and continue on. Rage was easier than loneliness, anyway.
I couldn’t trust anyone in this pit of vipers. Certainly not Cyrus. Priscilla seemed genuine, but how could I trust her intentions? And while Emmie had proven to be friendly and useful, she told me never to trust anyone at court, including her. I couldn’t see an ending for me that wasn’t miserable. Despite being surrounded by as many people as I was now, mistrust of them all meant I felt nothing but isolation.
“I suppose we’ll see.” I forced a smile on my face before making my excuses to Emmie. I made my departure back to my rooms where I could be just as alone as this court made certain I felt.
Mulling over mythoughts as I walked back to my rooms gave me enough time to realize that I had been so far out of my depth since Placement Day, that I’d spent my time in the palace passively. I would never describe myself as passive, but somewhere along the way, I’d become so overwhelmed and unsure about everything, I’d let my fears rule me. Instead of fighting for myself and trying to ascertain how to make the best of my circumstances, I’ve been sitting back and trying to take in whatever information was offered on Cyrus and all the dynamics of the court.
Enough was enough.
Freedom wouldn’t be possible without getting my hands dirty. That much I was sure of.
Cyrus was out. Where? Who knew, but he wasn’t here, which was all I cared about.
It made snooping much easier.
I slunk out of my bedroom and into the common area, before heading straight to the room at the other end that I had yet to step foot in. I opened the door slowly, the wood creaking just slightly as I pushed it back. I stepped across the threshold into Cyrus’s bedroom. I took a moment to look around and orient myself. A large four poster bed dominated the space, with a frame made of a deep black wood and each post crowned with a carved pegasus—its wings wide in flight. A rich, burgundy silk blanket covered the bed, while a gold rug covered the floor under the bed itself. Heavy velvet drapes in the same gold color lined the windows and two sofas upholstered with a dark burgundy brocade made up a sitting area by the fireplace.
I moved around the bed and went toward the corner where I spied an enormous black desk made of the same wood as the bed. I gently eased up the rolling top to begin searching the contents of Cyrus’s desk but gleaned nothing important—only a few scattered pages detailing budgets.
