The feel of someone shaking my shoulders, the blurry form in front of me—their mouth was moving, but I couldn’t hear a word. I wouldn’t go back, Icouldn’tgo back. I would do anything necessary to ensure it. I finally had a bit of peace, of happiness, but the rage I’d lived with my whole life was a familiar friend, and it now shoved aside the panic and fear in favor of itself.
It allowed me to breathe, for my vision and hearing to return. Eryx, Delia, Baach, and Ilta were surrounding me, and Priscilla was eyeing me from across the aisle with understanding and sympathy in her eyes. Harpina was blocking us from view, I realized, ensuring none could see me except for those on the opposite side of the aisle, where Priscilla stood with Callisto. They’d all stepped in to stop me from being totally humiliated.
Affection for them rose within me, only second to the fire scorching through my veins, demanding to be let loose on the man who thought he could leash me like a dog—and I would ensure it was unleashed when the time came.
I would take great pleasure in the destruction of Cyrus’s entire world, and only once he was left in the ashes of its ruination would I grant him what he deserved—maybe I could convince Calix to use the power of Tartarus once more, so I could unleash agony like he’d never known upon him.
Exactly as he deserved.
Chapter 30
Afterthe intense ending to court, I was eager to get back to my rooms and decompress for a moment. After assuring everyone I was fine, multiple times, and another few assurances were given to Calix directly when his worry seemed too great, I fled to my rooms and threw myself onto the sofa.
The velvet rubbed against my cheek, and I focused on that feeling, slowly brushing my cheek back and forth until my breathing was under control once more. I heaved a sigh and turned around, so I was on my back, facing the ceiling. My eyes traced the intricate architecture, picking up details I’d missed before. The white columns had engravings of stars and moons on the edges, outlined in a faint silver.Huh.
It wasn’t enough to distract me, unfortunately. I pushed myself up and headed for the balcony. Leaving the door open, as I knew Delia would be here before long to help prepare me for the ball, Itook a seat on one of the comfortable lounge chairs. There was a little table next to it with a pitcher of sparkling lavender colored wine, kept fresh with magic I envied. I poured myself a glass and sat back, taking in the view.
Having seen Priscilla, Eris, even Ilta and Delia’s rooms, I knew I’d for some reason been given the best view. My balcony looked out over the Dragon Cliffs, the sea and sky stretching out for miles. If I looked down, I could see the pool behind the palace, and the cabanas set up around it for lounging. If I looked in the other direction, the bountiful gardens greeted me, maybe not as elaborate as Queen Stelara’s, but all the more beautiful for it—and certainly more charming. Everywhere I looked there were wonders to behold.
It was all so different from Dusk Kingdom, and that’s what I needed to focus on. I sipped my wine, letting the bubbles tickle my throat and relax me. I watched the sun slowly sink down across the sky. Sunset. But that thought just led back to the alliance and the bounty Cyrus put out on me.
No. I shook my head. I wouldn’t let him take the sun from me. It wasmine. Well, as much as the sun could be anyone’s, but I wouldn’t let him ruin my love of the sky. Sometimes it felt like the only piece ofmetruly remaining. Since Placement Day, I’d gone through so much, changed so much, that I wondered if I were to return to Sonmathion, would my parents even recognize the woman before them?
The small village girl I’d been with had thought she knew the world, but she had been so wrong—about so many things. I’d closed myself off to the world, taking the cruelty of my peers, the looming deadline that was Placement Day, and my loneliness, and I created armor from them. Convincing myself it was what I wanted, and not what I was stuck with due to the circumstances—but I knew better now.
I wished I could talk to Calix. My instinct always led me right to him when I had something to talk about. It was clear my instincts were broken. Even if my chest physically hurt at the thought of keeping my distance from him, I had to—we both did. Somewhere out there, his soulmate, his perfect match, hisQueen, waited. And he would find her, I had no doubt about that.
He’d spent so many years being loyal to the idea of a woman he’d never met, then I came along and ruined everything for him. Maybe that’s all I was good for. Ruination. Destruction. Cyrus seemed to unravel at the seams with me there, and Calix was now struggling to keep things between us platonic, and not fuck me up against the closest surface.
If it was just sex, that would be easier, but I couldn’t lie to myself. I wanted—more. I wanted everything from him—and everythingofhim. I wanted to be able to go swimming with him in the Night Waters and not worry about wrapping my legs around him as he confessed his fears to me. I wanted him teasing me as we rode our horses through the fields. I wanted him inviting me to ride him in dragon form simply because he knew how much flying meant to me—and then I wanted to ride his other form. I wanted all of it.
But he wasn’t for me, and the sooner I got that through my thick skull, the better off I’d be. An agonizing ache pulsed in my heart, and I reached up, rubbing the area as if that would help. It felt like someone tearing my heart to pieces to even think about it—the thought of Calix with another woman made my blood flush with rage, rising fast and furious. But it quickly fell, replaced by a desolation so vast, I was shocked to discover I had such a well of feeling inside me.
I took a giant swig of my wine, letting the sparkling berry taste soothe a bit of the pain. I didn’t know how to convince my stupidheart that Calix belonged to someone else, and if I couldn’t do that soon, I would be lost.
“Knock, knock.” A sing-song voice interrupted my thoughts, and I was so relieved to get out of my own head, I turned to Ilta with a huge smile. She looked even happier than I, practically floating on air as she made her way to the chair on the other side of the small table. With a wave of her hand, the pitcher lifted, pouring the sparkling lavender wine into a glass, and then floating it into her hand as she sat back. Lifting it to her lips, she sipped it down and let out a satisfied hum. I watched her, bemused, until she finally turned to me.
“What’s got you so happy?” I teased, and Ilta giggled, her wide blue eyes doll-like on her delicate face.
“I was complaining about having no one to escort me to the ball tonight. A bit loudly, you see, right beside Baach.” She smirked as I rolled my eyes,
“Let me guess—” I raised a brow as she nodded happily.
“Baach offered to escort me!” She squealed and I couldn’t help but laugh, my head falling forward as I did.
“I’m happy for you. It’s so obvious the two of you like one another. I don’t know how long you’ve been trading looks for, but—”
“Oh—” She interrupted, “I’m not sure if he does like me, not like that. He offered as a friend.” Her face fell for a moment before she shook her head and forced a smile on her face. “But this is a good step! Right? Attending together, dancing close, who knows what may happen?”
“Ilta.” I tilted my head toward her, incredulous. “Baach likes you—trust me. I’ve seen the way he looks at you. You’re gorgeous, fun, and sweet, he would be lucky to have you.” I dropped my voice until I was faux whispering. “And I’m pretty sure he knows that too.” Ilta bit her lip, looking out at the view as the moon rose into the sky.
“Do you really think so?” She asked distantly, more serious than I’d seen her. I leaned over, placing my hand atop hers.
“I do. The two of you look at one another with stars in your eyes.” I smiled teasingly, and it had the desired effect, a giggle breaking through her pouting lips. She brushed her hair back over her shoulder, light blonde interspersed with honey swishing backward.
She pursed her lips as she appeared to consider something. I brought my glass up to my lips and took a large sip, sure I would need it for whatever she was about to say.
“Calix and you look at one another that same way.” She broached, soft and tentative, but I stiffened nonetheless, feeling the words like an accusation. She reached out, interlacing our fingers together and squeezing. “Since you’ve come here, Asteria, you’ve become such a good friend, I can barely remember what life was like without you here.” She smiled at me as she winked, before growing serious once more. “The situation with Calix—it’s complicated, I know. But I have faith that things will work out just as they’re meant to.”
