He had thought about doing just that a lot in the days after the conversation with his sisters-in-law, but every time he had imagined going to Sophia and trying to smooth out the disaster, he wasn’t sure what to say. How did one say, ‘I think I might be falling for you, but I’ve never been in love before, so I’m not sure and I know it is risking both of our happiness to go through with this marriage, but it will potentially be a lot worse if we don’t’? Especially when he didn’t know how she felt about him. The thought of hearing that he wasn’t right for her and that was why she was opposed to the idea made his stomach churn. He hadn’t been enough to keep Sebastian in the country. What if he was not enough for Sophia either? He had not thought himself a coward, but perhaps he was when it came to this, because he seemed to be physically unable to risk any further conversation on the matter.
Now he was sitting opposite her, he realised he had made yet another mistake. He should have said something, or at the very least gone to her and apologised for his brusque manner and explained why he had acted like he had. Perhaps then a pale imitation of her wouldn’t be sitting opposite him right now as her mother and Emily discussed wedding preparations as if neither he nor Sophia were in the room. The absence of colour on her skin, the lack of spark that made her who she was, was a special kind of torture.
‘I think pale pink flowers would be a pretty adornment, do you not agree?’ said her mother to Emily, who nodded enthusiastically.
‘Oh, yes,’ said his sister-in-law, ‘that colour works beautifully with their skin tones.’
There was not a flicker of interest on Sophia’s face and his heart cracked. If having feelings for someone made him feel this awful, then he was better off without them.
‘We are grateful that His Grace is allowing us the use of Glanmore Park for the wedding,’ said Mrs Jacobs, not for the first time. ‘We are all very much looking forward to being his guests at his country estate.’
Even after knowing the Jacobs family for a couple of months now, Christopher still had a hard time understanding them. As a whole, they were giddy about staying at the duke’s country residence for the wedding. Marrisa was particularly excited, although what she was hoping to find there was beyond Christopher. Tobias was certainly not going to fall in love with her and he was the only bachelor who was likely to be in attendance. None of them seemed to see that the offer was for Sophia and not them. Christopher had pushed for the wedding to take place there. He had doubted Sophia would want a Society wedding with anyone other than her family in attendance. He’d made the offer and her family had accepted. He had no idea if she had been involved in that; he really hoped that she had, but he had not spoken to her alone since the time in the sitting room.
The more excited her family became, the more Sophia seemed to fade away and Christopher was beginning to think he was never going to reach her.
The wedding was due to take place the following week. In two days they were all heading for the country. And in the two weeks since he had told Sophia they would have to marry, they had barely exchanged a word.
He’d even resorted back to letters, striving for the flirtatious fun he had managed in the beginning of their relationship, but often missing the mark. She had responded, because she was a polite, gently bred lady, but there was no hint of her previous humour in her written words, and no well-thought-out gift included with her missives.
After an agonising time in which their wedding was discussed and neither he nor Sophia spoke, Sophia and her mother began to make a move to go. The thought of still not having resolved anything was intolerable.
‘May I have a private word with Miss Jacobs?’ he asked, not entirely sure what he was about to say but knowing he could not leave it any longer without them having a proper conversation.
‘We shall walk on ahead,’ said Emily, giving him a severe look, which was a bit rich coming from a woman who’d had to marry Freddie after they were caught kissing in the garden with her now husband half-dressed.
Her mother and Emily left, leaving the door wide open. Rather than look him in the eye, Sophia studiously kept her gaze locked onto his cravat.
‘Sophia,’ he said softly.
Her eyes flickered up to his and his heart ached. A world of sadness hid in their depths and he knew he was at least partly to blame for that being there.
‘I know this is not what you want, but it is for the best.’
‘Yes,’ she said. ‘I know.’ That quiet capitulation was somehow worse than her anger.
‘We will make a good go of it, you will see.’
‘Yes. I will be an accommodating wife to you, Christopher.’
Somehow this was worse than their previous conversation and yet there was nothing outwardly wrong with what she was saying. ‘And Iwill be a decent husband. I think. I have no previous reference. I could be terrible.’
That, at least, earned him a smile. ‘I am sure you will not. You are an honourable man. Far better than I believed at our first acquaintance. I am sorry for any unkind words I said to you then.’
He lifted a hand, twirling one of her errant curls around his fingers; it must be a nightmare trying to keep her wild hair under her bonnet at all times when it was desperate to escape. He was looking forward to a time when he could see it loose about her shoulders. If she ever let him near her, that is.
Was he a good man? He wasn’t sure. Good men weren’t obsessed with thoughts of their betrothed’s skin and what it would look like with his hands splayed over it. His thumb traced the edge of her jaw and her eyes fluttered shut. For a moment, she leaned into his touch, but then she pulled away and he was forced to drop his hand.
He opened his mouth to speak, but before he could, a maid entered the room. She spotted them and turned away again. The interaction only lasted a second, but it broke the moment, leaving him scrambling for something to say, something that still wouldn’t come.
‘I look forward to seeing you at Glanmore Park,’ Sophia said politely, a little stiffly, before turning and walking away from him.
Chapter Twenty-nine
Sophia stared at the rolling countryside passing by her carriage window. This was a journey that might become familiar to her in the future, but right now, she could not care less about the rolling hills or the neatly trimmed hedgerows. Not even the almost fully grown lambs gambolling together raised a smile. This was the second day of travelling and one of the last days left to her as an unmarried woman. Heading towards your wedding shouldn’t feel like heading to the gallows, but she didn’t think her mood would have been any different.
Within the cramped confines of the carriage, her four sisters fidgeted, alternately squabbling and making up. She hadn’t the energy to stop them or join in. All she wanted was to get the next few days over with and then begin her new life, pretending she was absolutely fine when her husband went off on his travels the moment he was released from the terms of his late brother’s will. Had he thought about what would happen to her then? She didn’t even know if he had his own house. If he did, would she live there on her own? Or would she be expected to live with the Dashworth family? She didn’t know them. She would be thrust amongst strangers and expected to get on with her life. She pressed a hand to her chest; it felt as if someone had tightened her stays too much, restricting her ribs, but they were the same as always.
‘Do you think he will wear that red jacket again?’
