Christopher did not sit and he did not speak.
The silence became cavernous.
She smoothed the material of her dress over her thighs, her hands damp. For a man who was always moving and smiling, his unnaturalstillness was causing a chill to coat her skin, even as sweat beaded across her brow.
‘I have been thinking,’ he said after an age. ‘And I now believe we should marry.’
‘What?’ she said, shock propelling her off the settee. ‘Where is this asinine statement coming from? Has your brain fallen out of your head? Did you get kicked by your horse on the way here?’ This was everything they had been trying to avoid. ‘No. I will not. No.’
A ghost of a smile crossed his face. ‘Try not to sound too enthusiastic. I would not want to think you find me too appealing.’
She would not be charmed by his dry humour. ‘All along we have agreed that we will find a way out of this betrothal. Why are you changing your mind now?’
He tugged at his cravat and she hated that she recognised this was a sign he was tense. She had never meant to get to know him this well.
‘It is not so much that I have changed my mind,’ he said. ‘It is that…’
She did not let him finish. ‘Oh, so you have always wanted to marry me, have you? Perhaps you have pined for me from across the ballroom floor.’
‘I do not believe I set eyes on you before we met in the conservatory.’ His eyes narrowed and she was strangely pleased to see he was getting annoyed.
‘And yet, I knew whoyouwere.’
He pressed his lips together. This was clearly not going how he had planned, but she was too furious to feel sorry for him. Why change everything now after all they had been through? Why throw this into the mix when she had spent so long convincing herself that it was a good thing it was never going to happen? ‘Marriage was notsomething I thought I would ever do. But I do not think it will be as bad as we both fear.’
If he’d hit her, she did not think it would have hurt as much as his words. ‘Asbadas we both fear,’ she echoed.
‘Yes.’ His forehead was an angry slash. ‘You cannot pretend you want to marry me either. When we met, you were focused on another man, for pity’s sake, and you made your thoughts clear last night.’
She had no response to that, so she said nothing, crossing her hands under her chest instead.
He watched her for a moment before continuing in a softer tone, although his shoulders were hunched, the deep frown still marring his forehead. ‘We were naive when this started out, but we must face the facts. The reason we cannot think of a way out of this betrothal is because there is not one that does not end in soul-damaging scandal.’
‘Soul-damaging?’ She would have laughed at him for being dramatic, but there was nothing funny about this conversation.
‘Yes, soul-damaging. You would not be able to live with yourself if, by breaking off our betrothal, your sisters’ marriage prospects were ruined and your family shunned by polite society. Even little Lotte might suffer from the association. The Mrs Meadways of the Ton have long memories and rejoice in making others suffer.’
The room spun slowly, almost like she’d had a glass of that dreadful brandy. Her sisters hurting because of her actions would be awful, but she also could not live with herself if she ruined Christopher’s chances of happiness too. To be married to a miserable man, one she’d known as a happy and carefree one, would be torture. It was all very well being fun together these last few weeks, but she was quiet and contemplative most of the time; he would be bored with her within days of their marriage and she would have to suffer through the knowledge that she wasn’t right for him, for the rest of her life. Itwas bad enough living with her family when they felt like that about her; it would be hell with Christopher. This was an impossible situation with no pure happy ending.
‘I still think,’ she said, striving for a calmness she didn’t feel, ‘that, if we handle the situation sensitively, we can avoid having to get married. Perhaps a long, long betrothal, one that stretches far into the future. In fact’—she finally hit on a solution that would suit everyone. It was a miracle she had not thought of it before, it was that obvious—’this is the answer we have been looking for. You go off on your travels and we say that we will marry on your return. In the meantime, my sisters will marry andthenwe can call off our betrothal.’
Christopher scrubbed a hand down his face, not looking at all pleased. She couldn’t understand why he wasn’t leaping around the room with joy. It was perfect for him. He got to do what he wanted and he would not tie himself down for her.
‘That could last for ten years or more,’ he said, sounding weary. Honestly, you would think she had suggested he cut off a limb. Shouldn’t he be praising her for coming up with a resolution that worked for everyone?
‘Well, it is not as though you wanted to get married to anyone else. You said that you…’
He groaned. ‘Let us not think of your sisters or me for one moment. Let us think about you. In your plan, you will wait ten years and by this point your sisters are all happily married. I have had a grand old time on my tour of Europe and you have done…’ He spread out his hands as though her plans for the next few years were laid out in front of them.
‘I have had several Seasons in which I have not been a pariah. I have enjoyed myself and become an aunt to several adorable nieces and nephews. I…’
‘The best you want for yourself is to not be a pariah.’ His words were like tiny darts aimed at her heart.
‘There is no other option.’
‘Yes. There is.’ His voice was firm, his tone forceful. In all the time she had known him, she had never seen him so serious. ‘We get married. Your sisters’ marriage prospects get even better because they are now permanently linked to the Duke of Glanmore. You are socially accepted everywhere. You can have your choice of house wherever you want. I am a rich man and have more money coming my way. You will want for nothing.’
Her heart beat painfully against her rib cage. He was talking of things that meant nothing to her, not really. If he had said he loved her, or even that he was glad of their friendship and welcomed the idea of spending their lives together, then this would be a very different conversation. She could stomach this if it were not done because one of them would have less to lose. ‘If we are talking of sacrifices, then what of your travels?’
