That was a great deal too much. ‘Kissing you was my choice, you great big nincompoop. If there was any wrongdoing, then it was mine alone.’ She had been feeling all lovely, and Christopher was ruining it. If she wasn’t finding him more annoying than a wasp at a picnic, she would be surprised by his priggish behaviour. Although, shesupposed, in his defence, she could understand his worry about Robert, because she had not told him what had last transpired between them. She was not sure whether telling him the truth would make the situation worse. If he knew that she had cut off her happy ending, then perhaps he would panic. She took two deep calming breaths, centring herself. Telling him the truth about Robert would ease his guilt and that was only fair. He would find out soon enough anyway, and not telling him would be strange.
Forcing her voice to remain calm, she said, ‘I should probably tell you that Robert spoke to me yesterday. It was as you foretold; he came to London to suggest that I break off my betrothal with you. On reflection, I decided that he and I do not suit after all. I let him down as gently as I could. I do not think his heart is broken.’
There was a thunderous pause; she could only guess at the thoughts racing through Christopher’s mind. She had not accepted the proposal she had been expecting for years and then she had thrown herself at Christopher. Before he could spiral in the wrong direction, she added, ‘I would have told you sooner. But there have been people around us all evening and, even if I was fine with people knowing my private affairs, I doubt Robert would want it spread about. You need not worry that this changes things between us. I have not fallen in love with you. Once we have settled on a plan to end it as discreetly and as scandal-free as possible, our betrothal will end as planned. I have not changed my mind on that.’
It would be frightening, knowing that she was alone, that no proposal was forthcoming from a man she admired and respected, but she was even more sure than ever that she had made the right decision. What had passed between her and Christopher could never have happened between her and Robert. They had a different relationship entirely and while she was sure that she would have been happywithout ever knowing what it was like to be so desperate for someone’s kiss that she forgot the rest of the world, now that she did, it would have been a shame to have lived her whole life without experiencing such passion once.
Perhaps she would be lucky enough to feel that intensely again, although it was doubtful. It was likely that she would have to retire to the country for at least a Season or two while everyone got over the scandal. By then, she would be old and with a scandalous reputation, so finding a match would be even harder. But she would never regret her decisions, including what had happened in this moment. Never. And for all she had enjoyed Christopher’s mouth against hers, he was irritating her now.
A knock on the roof of the carriage told her that she had arrived home. She did not want to end the evening on a bad note, not when it had been one of the best nights of her life. Taking a deep breath, she willed herself to calm down.
‘Christopher.’
‘Sophia.’ It was hard to tell what he was thinking from that one word, but no matter.
‘It was I who kissed you.’ At this, he grunted. ‘It was. I am not reading too much into it. I am not planning our wedding. I am not going to run in and tell my sisters every detail that has passed between us. Let us forget it and carry on as we were before.’
It took him an age to answer. ‘Very well. If that is what you want.’ There was still no inflection in his voice.
‘Are you cross with me?’ she asked, because she could not bear it if she had ruined this friendship between them.
‘No. I am not.’
‘You sound as if you might be. I promise you, Christopher, nothing has changed. Do not feel I am trying to trap you intosomething you do not want.’ She could not bear it if he thought that. They had both been honest with one another from the start. She knew how much his freedom to travel abroad without ties meant to him; she would never forget the way his eyes shone whenever he talked about seeing the world. She had always said she did not want to change him. Even after that earth-shattering kiss, she had not changed her mind.
His exhale was long. ‘I am not worried about that. I…’ He exhaled again and she would have teased him about having no air left inside but now did not seem the time. ‘You say you kissed me and perhaps that is true, but it was I who took it too far. I am trying to be less reckless and I think I proved to both of us that I am as I ever was.’
‘You are too hard on yourself. There were two people here this evening and only one of us started things. That was not you.’
There was another knock on the roof; a timely reminder that they were sitting inside the carriage outside her home. They did not want anyone in her family coming out and finding Kate and Edward were not in the carriage with them. Even her family, who were more relaxed than other members of the Ton, would not be able to accept that they had been alone in a dark carriage, when Sophia announced the betrothal was over.
‘I should go,’ she said.
‘Of course. Let me see you inside.’
At the door, Peterson was all smiles for them, saying that her family were already home safely and offering refreshments for Christopher and the other people in the carriage should they want them. For a brief moment she wondered if the old family retainer had guessed they were alone and was prying, but then she remembered that the man was merely performing his role to the best of his ability. Christopher declined the offer and bid her a final goodbye. He was asfriendly as ever, but the light from the foyer spilled onto the doorstep and she could see an unknown emotion lurking in his eyes. As he walked away, she worried that she had ruined things forever.
Chapter Twenty-five
Sitting still on the ride back to Glanmore House was absolute agony. Christopher was desperate to get out of the carriage and sprint as fast as he could for as long as he could. He needed to burn off the energy coursing through him. As running through the streets of London was frowned upon, he managed to refrain from the ungentlemanly behaviour, but it was a Herculean struggle. His mind was rushing through the last hour in a furious loop, not giving him a moment’s respite: the blanket, the surprise of her lips on his, his desperate response, the words,I have not fallen in love with you. All of it was a jumble inside him, a riot of emotion that he could not calm.
On top of all that was the news about Robert Harber. Even though it had been Christopher’s intention for the man to come to London and make his case to Sophia, rage at the man actually doing so, of him sitting there and offering to take Sophia away from him, kept sweeping through him, like a fire that refused to go out. He’d imagined he would feel relief when it finally happened, but the fury in him was urging him to hunt the man down and ask him to name his seconds.
He smacked his forehead with the heel of his palm, muttering, ‘Idiot,’ over and over again. Sophia had turned Robert down. She was not going to marry the man who Christopher did not think wasworthy of her. He did not need to be furious about it. He should be feeling worried, because it meant there was no out for him. Had Sophia realised that? he wondered. Now that there was no alternative, she would have to marry Christopher. Otherwise it would mean social ruin for her. From what she had said in the carriage, she did not want to marry him, but surely that could not be the case. He did not think he was so repellent to her that she would rather be an outcast than his wife, certainly not if that kiss was anything to go by. By God, he had never experienced anything like that. Not even when he had been an inexperienced lad, desperate to know what it was like to kiss a girl. In the carriage, when her lips had brushed against his, it was as if his soul had roared in triumph. He had wanted nothing more than to make her his in every conceivable way. Thank goodness he had come to his senses; one did not ravish innocent maidens on a carriage journey back to their home, no matter how much one might want to.
By the time he reached home, the same thoughts were still going round. The horses had barely stopped moving, before he was jumping out.
Although the hour was late, his body had no intention of letting him sleep. In the possibility that one of his brothers was still awake, he headed towards the Blue Lounge. Despite their teasing relationship, he was fairly sure they would offer helpful advice now that he truly needed it. When he arrived at the Blue Lounge he found all three of them in a very odd state.
Freddie’s hair was on end and he was rocking back and forth in the motion he used to soothe his daughter to sleep. For a moment, Christopher stared at him, not quite able to gather what it was about this stance that gave his older brother the air of a man who had lost control of his brain. Slowly, it dawned on him that Freddie was not holding a child; he was just rocking. Edward was sitting on the edgeof a settee, his wide eyes fixed on Tobias, who was slumped in the least ducal position Christopher had ever seen. None of them looked in his direction. Christopher stepped closer and saw the reason for the undignified position and the stunned shock of both Edward and Freddie. Arabella, his tiny, only a few months’ old, niece, was sleeping soundly on the duke’s chest.
‘Do not,’ said Freddie in a deadly whisper, ‘make a sound.’
‘Hours,’ said Edward. ‘She has been screaming for hours. She would not stop. I thought she must be dying. Then I thought I was dying. Perhaps I am dead.’
Tobias did not move.
‘Is everything…?’ Christopher did not finish his sentence. If looks could kill, Tobias had just launched an arrow through his heart.
