‘I did not realise you were in here,’ he said to Tobias.
A slight inhale. ‘Evidently.’
‘I wanted a nightcap.’ He raised his glass to show Tobias.
Tobias, as was usual, said nothing. Christopher sank down into the settee opposite to Tobias’ chair. He wouldn’t have searched Tobias out as a confidant; they weren’t close, and Christopher could not tell whether his brother’s almost continuous silence was because he didn’t like his youngest brother all that much or whether there was some other problem Tobias did not want to talk about. As Tobias wasn’t getting hurriedly to his feet, Christopher took it as a sign that his brother did not object to his presence, and Christopher really did want to speak to someone.
For a while they sat in silence, Christopher staring at the rug in front of him, trying to come up with words to describe how he was feeling, to ask for advice or at least a word or two to make him feel better, without revealing to his older brother anything he might regret. Instead, he was distracted by the hideous pattern before him. Objectively, the rectangular piece of rug was an ugly item of decor, but put into this room with its almost otherworldly blueness, it somehow fitted.
‘I went for dinner at the Jacobs’ residence,’ he said eventually, the urge to talk about the events of the evening too strong to ignore. He took a long sip of the brandy, his insides burning as it made its way down his body. ‘I behaved badly.’
Tobias made a gesture with his hand, which Christopher recognised from experience asgo on.
‘The man Sophia, Miss Jacobs, wants to marry was there.’
Tobias raised a questioning eyebrow. An understandable gesture given that Christopher was currently Sophia’s betrothed and Christopher hadn’t shared his plan not to go through with the wedding with his brothers. He and Tobias had never had that discussion about his engagement, the one Tobias had wanted. The arrival of Mr Hornel’s letter had distracted them. Christopher did not know if he would have confessed his intentions not to marry Sophia at that meeting. He was never sure how Tobias would react to things. However, all his brothers would know it was impossible for him to have fallen in love with a woman he hadn’t known all that long and would understand when that engagement ended. There had been no need to tell them about the finer details at the time and even now, they need not know everything. Once it was all over, he would ensure his family knew that they must treat Sophia with the utmost respect; she was not to blame for any of this.
Despite that, he trusted Tobias to keep his secret and not just because the man rarely spoke. In his own steadfast way, Tobias had always supported his younger brothers, and Christopher had no doubt he would continue to do so; whether that was out of family duty or love was to be determined.
‘I have no intention of fighting a duel for her,’ he continued. ‘If that is what you were worried about. I would not bring disgrace to our family in that way. I am quite prepared to let her end the betrothal.Indeed, that has been my intention this entire time, with her full knowledge, I might add. From the start I knew about Robert Harber and it was my suggestion that our engagement might prompt him to come to London to try and win her from me. It was a good plan, or at least I believed so. Only tonight I…’ He lifted the glass and swirled the liquid around, enjoying the way the dim light of the room lit it up. ‘Sophia is one and twenty. She has been expecting a proposal from this Mr Harber for some time, and somehow, seeing him at her parents’ home, having come up to London only because she is now off the market, angered me.’
Tobias’ other eyebrow rose, which, from his usually stoic brother, suggested he was positively alarmed.
‘I do not understand quite why his arrival has me so riled up,’ Christopher continued. ‘I have been depending on it since the start, because I have no intention of ever marrying.’
Tobias stroked his chin, looking almost as if he would talk but ultimately staying silent.
‘I know Edward and Freddie are happy,’ he said, trying to explain himself, ‘but I would not want to be tied down to one woman.’ Although, come to think of it, he wouldn’t mind tying Sophia down in an entirely different type of scenario. He shook his head; he could not afford for his mind to wander off in that direction. ‘This Robert Harber thinks me a reckless fool and I do not blame him, for he has heard the rumours about me, most of which are true. I know he is where Miss Jacobs’ heart lies, and I want her to have what she wants. And of course, it also gives me what I want, which is not to be a married man. So, I played on my reputation by making myself appear even more addle-pated than my reputation would suggest. It was quite an interesting experiment; I could see his disrespect for me growing with every word I uttered. I shouldn’t have minded, I care nought forhis good opinion, but…’ He took another sip of his drink, not because he was thirsty but because he did not know how to explain how Mr Harber’s obvious contempt had made his clothes feel too tight for his body. He’d experienced that sort of look before. One did not get a reputation for being a jackanapes without seeing the older generation turn their noses up at you from time to time. It had never bothered him before, but seeing the look of condescension on a man Christopher thought fundamentally flawed had been hard to take.
‘The crux of the matter is,’ he continued in the wake of Tobias’ silence on the subject, ‘that Mr Harber made a couple of comments about me. He was making the point to her family that I am not worthy of Sophia. Which, obviously, I am not. She deserves someone… someone… well, someone better than me. But also, someone who is better than him. I mean, a man that lets a woman like that get snapped up by me is an idiot.’ That casual disregard of Sophia as a person was probably at the centre of Christopher’s dislike of the man. How Robert could overlook such a jewel when she was practically in his hand was beyond Christopher. There could be no other reason for his antipathy because, on the surface, Robert seemed like a decent enough person. Somehow he would have to connive a way for Robert to get it into his head that he needed to elope with Sophia. The scandal would be hard to endure for a while, but was it any worse than her ending their betrothal? Possibly not. Regardless, there was no need for the hot anger burning through him. Robert would make a comfortable husband and, as that was what Sophia wanted, Christopher should be fine with that too.
Yet, he wasn’t. In his eyes, Sophia didn’t need comfortable; she needed someone who would support her and make her laugh every day. She had the most beautiful laugh he had ever heard, and he somehow doubted Robert was the one to bring that out of her.
Tobias made thego ongesture again and Christopher realised he had started staring at the rug again. He should put the glass down and leave the last remnants of the brandy in it. He should go to bed and sleep off the strange malaise which seemed to be gripping him. But the brandy had a hold of him and it was far stronger than his common sense. He was going to keep talking. Something a sober part of his brain was telling him he would regret in the morning. Right now, it felt good to get all this off his chest, like scratching an insect bite. You knew it would make things worse in the long run, but it was damned satisfying at the time.
‘Robert pointed out that I like to enjoy myself. And I do. I make certain that fun is part of my daily life, and why not? I have no obligation to provide an heir and life is short; we all know that. We only have to look at our parents and Sebastian to see the evidence that everything we know can be gone in a moment. I do not want to be tied down with responsibility when I could be out laughing and relishing every damned moment. I will not apologise for that. But…’
Tobias shifted forward in his seat. He may not be saying anything but Christopher had the impression his brother was paying deep attention. Whether that was a good or a bad thing, time would tell.
‘A month or so ago, I was in a race to Brighton with some friends.’
‘You won.’
Christopher wasn’t so far gone in his cups as to be surprised by Tobias’ statement. ‘How did you know that?’ He shook his head; that didn’t matter. ‘I did win, yes. The conditions favoured me, and the greys were well matched for the journey. But Lambert got hurt on the way. Broke both his legs. If we had not been racing, that would not have happened. Mr Harber managed to bring it up, casually, of course, but it highlighted that the race had been a folly.’ Christopher took a final swig of brandy, the last of the drink burning his throat. He wasashamed of the next bit of the story, but he might as well keep going now that he had started. ‘One thing Mr Harber didn’t know is that I have not been to visit Lambert to see if he is recovering. His reminder about the race brought that to the forefront of my mind and it made me think…’ It had made him think that he was perhaps not as good a person as he might want to believe. Surely a decent gentleman would go and visit someone who was laid up? As the winner of the race, it could be said that he had a moral obligation to do so.
‘Is this Lambert a friend?’ Tobias asked.
‘No. I barely know him. He runs around with the Yardley set.’ Tobias pulled a face and Christopher nodded. They were not a good group of men, known to sometimes be cruel and sometimes careless. And this was yet another thing that had begun to bother him. If those men were the sort of people with whom he associated, even loosely, what did that say about his character? ‘But should I not have…?’
‘The White Hen,’ Tobias broke in.
‘What? Oh, you mean that Lambert was at The White Hen sinking pint after pint before getting into his carriage. Yes, he apparently had drunk so much ale he did not realise there was anything amiss when he first fell.’
Tobias lifted his hands, as if to say,there you go.
‘Fine, so I was not there. I certainly had nothing to do with drinking. A man should always be in control of his horses, if for no other reason than he must care for the animals. But I am associating myself with them.’ He ran a hand over his face. If he’d thought talking about this would make him feel better, then he was very much mistaken. If anything, he was feeling worse about himself. ‘I want to enjoy myself. I want to live a life that is happy and full of laughter, but if things and people are wounded in the process, the price is not worth it.’ He placed his empty glass on a side table and pressed his handstogether. ‘I am worried that, in all this, Sophia will be the one who gets hurt. Not because I plan to do anything terrible, but because I went into this evening thinking it would be fun to act the fool, and I ended up… in truth, I ended up a fool.’
Tobias’ long exhale seemed to go on forever. Just when it appeared as if the duke would not speak after all, he said, ‘Sebastian’s death hurt all of us in different ways, but I think it has hit you hardest.’
