Unable to help himself, he reached out and took her chin between his thumb and forefinger. A single point of contact, but she still grimaced.
“No, Kailia,” he replied. “In order for me to agree to you being more than queen in title only, I’d need it to be real. I’d need you to not wince at my touch or freeze in my proximity. I’d need you to truly care about the people in this kingdom, not just about getting your arrow back. I’d need you to be able to walk through the streets without worry. I’d need this—all of this—to be so much more than what it is right now. Not just a means to an end.”
He released her chin, taking a measured step back and putting space between them before he did something truly stupid. That was all this was anyway. A means to an end. Something he’d orchestrated to get what he needed.
“I need to earn it then?” Kailia asked, her head tilting in question.
“This is not a competition, Kailia,” he spat, the mere idea making his lip curl in a snarl. “My people are not a godsdamn prize.”
She nodded, returning to staring off at the horizon.
He sighed. This was clearly going nowhere.
Leaving her to her thoughts, he went back into the room, making his way to the bathing chamber. While Kailia needed another day of healing, he did not. He filled the tub nearly to the brim. Stripping down, he lowered into the steaming water, contemplating his next moves. It wasn’t the ocean, but the water was still soothing, unlike his thoughts.
Maybe he’d been wrong about this the entire time. Yes, they needed her weapons, but at the expense of her believing his kingdom was some kind of prize? That he was somehow using his people to negotiate with her? Who thought like that? How could he put someone in the position of queen who thought like that? He couldn’t change that now. Not with the bargain in place. But it was clear he could never make her anything more than the queen in title. He’d have to come up with somethingelse until there was an heir, and who knew when the fuck that would be. She couldn’t stand being touched, and creating an heir definitely required some touching.
What a godsdamn mess.
When he emerged sometime later, he was no closer to an answer than before. She’d come back inside and was standing near the chair he’d been sleeping in, as if waiting for him.
“Need something?” he asked, planning to go downstairs and eat with the others tonight. He needed a bit of normalcy, and he suddenly found himself more than ready to go back to Aimonway. There was a reason he didn’t stay here anymore. For the briefest of moments, she’d helped him forget. Given him something to focus on. Was the exact distraction he’d needed her to be.
“I’ll do it,” she said.
“Do what?”
“Agree to the union tomorrow night.”
His brows shot up. “Why would you do that?”
“I thought that’s what you wanted.”
“Yes, but you don’t. You have no reason to want that, and I already explained my people are not some competition or game,” he said, turning to leave her be.
“I know that,” she called after him.
He turned back to find she’d closed some of the distance between them.
“I know that,” she repeated, rubbing the tips of her fingers together before shaking out her hands. “It isn’t a game. I understand that. I didn’t mean to imply that it was. They are real people. No one understands that better than I do.”
He somehow doubted that, but he crossed his arms, waiting for her to go on.
“In all my years, no one has given me a chance to choose my own purpose, and you are doing that,” she supplied, this entireconversation clearly difficult for her. “Not only that, you’ve been patient with me and my shortcomings. I know I’m not a practical choice for this role, but you chose me anyway. I’ve been trying to figure out why. I still don’t understand it.”
By the Fates, that was the most she’d ever spoken at any given time.
She was looking anywhere but at him as she said, “Being a queen in title only feels pointless. The responsibility gives me purpose. You choosing me for this gives me a purpose, and it’s something I’ve been seeking for a very long time.”
He studied her, waiting for her to willingly meet his gaze again. When she finally did, he said, “I won’t just give it to you, Kailia. Even if I change my mind down the road, there’s still the council.”
“I know.” Then she gave him a small smile. “But I have to start somewhere.”
She shrugged, clearly out of words to say, and even as he stared at her, he knew this wasn’t the conclusion he should come to. He’d sat in the steaming tub and gone through every reason this was a terrible idea. Why it had been a terrible idea from the start.
But he still found himself saying, “Tomorrow night?”
Her smile grew a little more, one of the most genuine he’d ever seen from her. She nodded. “Tomorrow night.”
