He reaches out. “Don’t go. Please don’t go.”
“I’m not going anywhere, baby.” I scoot down so we’re face to face, him still in the fetal position, and me not touching him.
“What do you need?” I ask.
“This. Can you hold me?” he asks, sounding like a broken child. It takes everything in me not to rage or cry. It’s a toss-up as to which emotion is stronger right now.
“Always.” I roll to my back and open my arms for him. He scoots forward, his head resting on my shoulder. I don’t wrap the arm around his back. It’s a trigger after a nightmare. Instead, I let that arm lay on the pillows, and, with the other, I hold his hand.
“It was bad. So bad, Linc,” he shivers.
“I’m going to pull the covers up, okay?” I ask. I don’t want to spook him with the weight that’s going to be on his back.
He nods.
Slowly, I cover him up to his neck, and he scoots closer into me, unraveling himself, slowly coming back to reality.
“I knew this would happen,” he tells me.
I nod. “I did too. It’s okay, E. You’re safe with me. I’m never leaving you in a situation like that again—either of them.”
“I know. I wish… I wish I was normal,” he whispers.
“You are. Don’t let what happened to you convince you otherwise. You are a victim. It sucks, but you are.”
“I hate the word victim,” he informs me, as he does every time.
I nod. “You remember it’s not your fault?”
“I do.”
“Good.”
“You can hold me tight now,” he instructs.
I wrap both arms around him and hold him tight. He still shivers, but now it’s into me, against me, sharing the fear and after-effects with me. It’s taken us a long time to get here. A long fucking time.
“Do you think we’ll ever be able to fuck like normal gay guys do?” he questions.
“Who decides what’s normal?”
He grunts. “I want, so badly, for you to top me, wrap yourself around me, until it’s just me and you, and I’m able to give you everything I am.”
“Baby,” I say, tilting his face to mine. “You already do. This, right here, is you giving me everything. A sex position doesn’t define that. We do.”
He nods, a tear slipping.
“I love you, Ethan. It’s fierce, it’s all-consuming, and it’s forever.”
“Babe,” he says softly.
When he stops shaking, he scoots up and closer, nearly on top of me.
He looks into my eyes, searching. I’m not sure what for.
“I want to ask you…” he begins.
I nod, waiting.
