15
XANDER
The phone call ends, Linc leaves the room, and it's just Tera and me. I hold her on my lap, rocking in the chair, too afraid to let go.
All the things she said… I am such a bastard. I really don't deserve her.
I can't believe I fell for that "settled" bullshit. I should have known better. I should have known Tera better than that. I should have knownusbetter than that.
"Tera… I know it's been said a million times today, but I amso god damn sorry. If you hadn't felt obligated to talk to me on the phone that night, you wouldn't have stayed behind, and you'd have been okay. But I was so fucking needy, missing you like crazy, wanting to hear everything I hadn't been there to experience with you. I should have just gone. I was on that stage in some dive venue, hammering away on the drums on instinct rather than the passion I usually play with, and it was all because I knew I should have beenthere. We all knew. We nearly took off before the show. When I got that call from the hospital…" my voice cracks and I bury my face in her neck as the tears fall.
"They didn't know if you'd make it. I thought I'd lost you and it would've been all my fucking fault. We couldn't get there fast enough. It seemed like forever, and when we got there, you were in surgery. The nurses could only tell us it was touch and go."
"Then Winters showed up with his dad. He was so pale, somber. He couldn't even talk. He just kept nodding or staring into space. When his dad told me you'd done a random dial and it was Carter, I understood why he was a zombie. How he held it together, T. I don't know. He is strong as all hell. I didn't know whether I should cry, find someone to beat the hell out of, or what… so I went and sat in the chapel until Dad got there," I confess. Tera looks at me in surprise.
"I know we've never been real religious, but in that moment I knew I needed help from a higher power and The Big Man was the only one listening, it seemed. I prayed. I prayed my ass off. I made deals that were insane, and I'm sure He gets that a lot, but I meant them. I'd have done anything,anythingin that moment to trade places with you so you never knew a moment's pain or fear."
"But if wishes were dollars I'd be a millionaire… isn't that how it goes?" I'm rambling. She doesn't care. She's just listening, and she's calming down.
"When I saw…" my voice cracks again, so I clear my throat. "When I saw you in that bed, hooked up to all of those machines, so battered and bruised, and knowing you were assaulted," I sob, "I will never forgive myself for that. Never. Rationally I know it's no one's fault, it just happened, it was random, but I can't shake the feeling that the blame falls on my shoulders."
"Xan, I think you need some counseling, too. Earlier when I was pissed, I would have reveled in your guilt, but you shouldn't have lived with this for overfive years.Xander, say you'll talk to someone. Please," she asks.
In this moment I'd give her the world if I could.
I nod. "I will. The guys need it too. We all know the guilt is there. It's eating us alive. It's why Ben drinks like he does. It's why Jesse fucks every chick he can. It's why Kennedy never sets down his guitar—not even when he sleeps. It's why Ethan has been screwing and clinging to random chicks. It's why I keep self-destructing. We know. We welcomed it… until now."
"I think, maybe, that's why you kept me at arm's length. Don’t—" she says when I go to deny it. "It's not just you. It's all of you. I knew there was a reason. I just didn't know why."
I nod. "We need a really good fucking shrink, Tera."
She snickers. "Yeah, we do. Every single one of us."
"Why can't we all be like Linc and just get our aggression, guilt, and everything else out when we kick the shit out of someone in the ring?" I ask.
"Because you're all a bunch of pussies and would get your asses handed to you," Linc tells me from where he stands in the kitchen.
I didn't even see him walk in there.
"Likely, but the physical pain would be a welcomed respite from the emotional shit. This is some brutal hell we're living in," I confess.
"Welcome to my world," Tera tells me.
"I know," I tell her, looking into her beautiful brown eyes. "I would do anything to carry your burden, T. Anything. I can't stand that all of this happened to you. It hurts so much I ache with it. It frustrates the hell out of me."
She nods.
"Please, Tera, forgive me. Please. Maybe not today, but try? I don't ever want to be without you again. You are my world, and when you're not in it, I don't want to be there," I confess.
"Oh, Xan." She hugs me, and I hug her back, tight, holding on for dear life. "I'm working on it. I think this was a positive step, and one I've obviously needed for a long time."
Linc sweeps up more glass into the dustpan. "You think?"
She doesn't even look embarrassed nor should she.
"I think that was therapeutic for you, babe. Was it my face you were aiming at?" I ask.
Linc snorts. "More like your dick, you fucker."
