"What's weighing on you most? What's the first thing that you think of when you remember your anger?"
"It's not just anger, Xan."
"What do you mean?"
"Let me tell you a story," I tell him about Carter and how I realized I'm not only angry, but I also resent him, them, the band. "I resent the fact that you didn't make it to my big night. I resent the fact that I stayed behind after everyone left so we could talk. That's me accommodating you—again. Then—"
"Stop. You don't have to say it. I know it. I think it every day. If I could go back and redo it, I'd be there. I didn't know how to handle it when I got there, to the hospital and found out everything, and then I realized I could've prevented all of your pain," he admits.
"Not just you, Xander.Allof you. You all chose the band over me—again. It'd become so second nature that I resigned myself to that fact. I can't do that anymore. I won't. I don't want to resent you. I don't want to be so angry I sometimes think I hate you. I don't. I don't really—hate you, I mean. I just get so—I don't know. I need to come first. I need to know that I do. The darkness is a terrible place for me to be," I admit.
"I get that. So, uh, I saw the photos of you and Carter," he states carefully.
"Yeah? He's such a good guy. We needed to have that talk—he needed it. I'm glad he showed up that night."
Xan nods then takes a sip of his tea. "I don't have the right to ask—"
I laugh humorlessly. "No, you certainly donot, sex-tape boy. Are you fucking kidding me? How stupid are you and Jesse? I expected better from you both."
Xan winces. "Not our finest hour."
I snort. "That's stating the obvious."
"Cage got all the videos down from everywhere. I don't know how, but he did," Xan states.
"Really?"
"Yeah, he's magical, that guy."
"Hmm. Hold on a second." I pick up my phone and dial Shea. "Hey, can you do me a favor and send me the thing we promised never to talk about again?"
"What for? Why would you want to watch that shit again? It wasn't very good anyway. Amateurs," Shea scoffs.
I laugh. "I know, I know. I just need it to prove a point."
Silent pause.
"Oh, snap. He's there, isn't he? Duuuuude. He's in so much trouble! I'll send it now."
"Thanks," I reply, but she already hung up.
A few minutes later an email comes through. I open it, press play, and turn the phone so Xander can see it.
"Fuck," he swears. "How?"
"People can make copies and who knows how many did before Cage got all the copies taken down. How long do you think it'll be before they start popping up all over again?" I ask.
"Fuck. Fuck!"
"Yep."
"Shit, Tera. I'm—"
"Sorry. I know. That doesn't change the fact it's out there. Same with the photos from the big party night. It's all out there, and it's not going away, Xan. You can't expect me to be okay with all of this. You and another chick fucking for the whole world to see? I mean… what the fuck, Xan? After everything that's happened and all ofthis,you can't expect me to step out into your spotlight with you. I'll be humiliated, ridiculed. I can't do that. I won't."
"I know, and I understand, Tera. I really did do a lot of thinking during our time apart."
"When did you have time?" I snark, standing up to begin to pace. "I mean between the concerts, the groupies, the models, the actresses, thethreesomes… how ever did you find the time tothink?"
