My breath catches. That's what that is. The pounding of my heart. He makes me feel alive. I haven't felt this way since… before I pushed him out of my life.
I drop to my knees, and Lincoln does the same.
"Are you okay?" he asks, worriedly.
I nod. "Yeah. I am." I pause, then meet his gaze. "You know this is going to get ugly before it gets better, right?"
He nods. "I know. I'm here."
I blow out a breath, then inhale deeply.
"I forgot what it was like," I murmur absently.
"What what was like?" Lincoln asks.
"To feel alive."
The next morning, I make sure I look halfway decent before the designated time, only, the knock I'm waiting for doesn't come.
I sit there and wait, picking at my cuticles. I get more coffee and wait some more. I sit on the sofa across from the door, curling up my legs next to me, resting my elbow and coffee cup on the sofa arm.
Lincoln walks in, looks at me, and walks back out.
After forty-five minutes, I take my empty coffee cup to the kitchen and put it in the dishwasher. I sigh as I head to the bathroom to brush my teeth.
I look at myself in the mirror above the sink and vow not to cry. I waited too long. What did I think would happen? Xander is a man, after all. He's sensitive and, oh God, he loves me, and I closed the door in his face day after day.
I rinse my mouth, unable to look at my stupid self anymore.
"Stupid, stupid, stupid," I curse under my breath.
This time, it's all on me.
I change out of my jeans and into a pair of yoga pants and the matching Rolling Stones tee to the one Xander wore yesterday. I find my red fuzzy socks and put inHow To Lose A Guy In Ten Days. The fuzzy socks are to make me feel comfortable and secure while the movie is to torture me because of my stupidity.
I will not cry.
I will not cry.
I will not cry.
I keep repeating it as I lie on the sofa, pulling a blanket over myself, and settling in for a long day of self-loathing.
I end up crying five minutes later. I'm full-on ugly crying when Lincoln comes rushing in.
"What's going on?"
"I-I-I s-suck," I wail.
"Shh," he soothes. "You don't suck. Why do you think you do?"
"I waited t-too long, and h-he didn't come. I wanted him to come today. I was going to let him in," I sob. "I was going to…"
"Shh. It's okay."
"It's not. It'll never be okay again because I'm a stupid girl. Stupid, stupid, stupid girl."
"Tera—" he begins, only to be cut off by a knock at the door.
