“What the fuck?” it finally said.
Even if Ξ.A.kr’ξ??’p hadn’t read the human’s mind, he would have understood what it had meant to say. The words were new, but the tone was universal. “What the fuck” needed no translation. However, he was glad to have learned it. The word “fuck” alone was very versatile, and he gleefully added it to his newly formed vocabulary.
“Yes!” he agreed with an enthusiastic nod. He pointed at his totaled ship. “Very fucked!”
The human continued to stare blankly at him, causing Ξ.A.kr’ξ??’p to cock his head. He frowned. Perhaps he hadn’t pronounced the words correctly? Even still, surely the human had at least understood the “fucked” part. He was confident he’d gotten that right.
“Human”—he said, gesturing at the human—“helpΞ.A.kr’ξ??’p”—he gestured at himself—“to, uh…”
He scrambled to find the words. Highly proficient or not, he usually had a bit more to work with when it came to learning a new language.
“Help Ξ.A.kr’ξ??’p to unfuck flying movement box?” he concluded, stringing together words the best that he could. Then, not wanting to sound impolite, he hastily added, “Thank you very much please,” and bowed slightly for emphasis.
The human still did nothing but stare, and he found himself frustrated. Was this actually an intelligent life form, or was it just some stupid creature whose only purpose was to be hairy and aesthetically pleasing?
(It reallywasaesthetically pleasing.)
“Human understands Ξ.A.kr’ξ??’p?” he asked, trying to keep the agitation out of his voice.
Finally—finally!—the human lifted itself up from its crouched position in the brush, eyeing him with trepidation the entire time.
“Um.” The human scratched the nape of its neck, just below where the floof of hair ended. “Yeah, I understand you, dude.”
“Oh, very excellent, dude,” Ξ.A.kr’ξ??’p sighed with relief. “Very glad you understand, dude. Need help to unfuck flying movement box.”
Given the context it was used in, he had cleverly deduced that “dude” was a title of formality used to address a stranger. The human had only said two sentences, and already Ξ.A.kr’ξ??’p was becoming an expert at English. His brother could never.
The human was still trepidatious, so he used all four hands to beckon it over, smiling broadly and politely saying, “Help, dude, thank you very much please!” to make it feel at ease. He was absolutely nailing this.
The human blew out a long breath of oxygen-rich air and muttered, “You know what? Sure. Why the fuck not? I’ve already faced my imminent death once today. Might as well commit,” and started down the hill into the crater toward Ξ.A.kr’ξ??’p and his mangled ship.
“Hello, dude!” Ξ.A.kr’ξ??’p said brightly once he and the human were face-to-face. The human had come to a stop a good meter away from him, and wasn’t bothering to hide the way it surveyed him up and down with a furrowed brow, like it wasn’t quite sure what to make of what it was seeing. It was a little rude, to be honest, and hefelt bashful under its scrutiny, but he gave the human the benefit of the doubt and let it have its moment of curiosity.
“Hi,” the human finally said, sounding almost resigned. It was still examining him so intensely, you would have thought it had never seen an alien before.
Wait,thought Ξ.A.kr’ξ??’p,has this creature ever seen an alien before?
He tried to remember everything he had learned from his, admittedly insufficient, research on this part of the galaxy. This planet—Earth, as the human called it in its mind—was the only habitable one in the solar system and did not have any direct neighbors, but there was no reason that such a small misfortune would have prevented humans from developing flash jump capability. If Ξ.A.kr’ξ??’p’s people back on Darvrok 6 knew of Earth, then it had to have madesomecontact with other habitants of the galaxy. Therehadto have been, because the alternative meant that he was currently making first contact, and if that was the case, the government would reprimand him for not doing the proper paperwork.
He would be lucky if he even got tolookat the sky again after his parents were finished with him.
Ξ.A.kr’ξ??’p winced. Why had he spent all his time binge-watchingPlanet Hoppersinstead of researching for this trip? It had not even been worth it. The latest season had filled him with feelings of mediocrity, and his favorite contestant had jumped through the wrong wormhole and ended up in the blast zone of a star going supernova, which had made him feel great amounts of frustration, because before she’d been eviscerated, she’d been in the lead.
Well, there was no helping it now. Bureaucracy would have to wait. He had bigger things to worry about at the moment, like the fact that his ship was smoldering in a giant crater. He’d deal with the repercussions after he called home.
“Do you have a phone?” Ξ.A.kr’ξ??’p asked. “Dude,” he quickly remembered to add.
“Do I have—what?” The human scrunched its face.
“Phone,” he repeated. “Communication device? Press button, make call, talk? You understand, dude?”
“Yeah, I know what a phone is, but—and I don’t mean any offense here—why the hell do you want it? Are you going to use the internet to hack into government servers to take over the world or something? Because if so, I’m gonna need you to borrow someone else’s phone. I’m not in a place to like, mentally handle being responsible for the destruction of the human race right now.”
Ξ.A.kr’ξ??’p frowned.
“Er, no,” he said slowly. “Need phone to make a call.” He nodded toward his ship. “Need a ride home.”
“You need a ride home,” the human repeated incredulously.
