31
Harlow
Monday came and went. Harlow spent the day with Evie, dividing his time between teaching her basic self-defense techniques that would serve as a foundation for future lessons and overseeing her academic studies. As a child actress, Evie attended class online and completed lessons at her own pace. Thanks to an array of digital tutors and resource videos, they hadn’t hit an educational snag yet, but Harlow was certain that one day—maybe once they started getting into the absolute mess that was trigonometric functions of the unit circle—they’d hit a roadblock.
Math had always been Emerson’s thing, and while Harlow knew enough to get him by, things like the coefficient of sine or what the hell a radian even was mystified him. It was fortunate that Evie was smarter than he was—she’d inherited Emerson’s theoretical understanding of the universe. Harlow was much more hands-on and practical, and as much as he wished otherwise, no amount of following Evie along in her lessons could change that.
When lessons were done for the day, Evie stretched her arms over her head and yawned. She flopped back on the couch—they’d used the living room while Simon tended to Parker and took care of his side business in his bedroom—and let her head loll to the side to look Harlow’s way. “Shep sent me a message a little while ago saying that he’ll be home at about four, and it’s three-thirty now. I’m going to grab a snack and unwind before he comes home. Is that okay?”
“Actually, no. Not yet, at least.” Harlow studied her, keeping an eye on her body language—not that it had done him much good before. It bothered him that Evie had hidden her feelings from him for so long, and that she’d masked her unhappiness behind smiles and laughter and rolls of her eyes. “Before Shep gets home, there’s one last thing I want to talk about.”
“Okay.” Evie scrunched her nose. “You’re not going to make me explain how logarithms work, are you? Because I only kind-of-sort-of get it, and I don’t feel like I’m gonna be able to help you out at all.”
Harlow shook his head. “No.”
“Okay, great.” She grinned. “Then, shoot.”
“I wanted to talk to you about what happened on Saturday.”
“Oh.” Evie’s expression fell, just as Harlow had expected it would. “I guess… we kind of do need to talk about that, don’t we?”
“Yeah. We do.”
Evie sighed. She tucked her legs beneath her, then capped her knees with her hands. “I’m going to let you lead the conversation, because I don’t know what to say other than that I’m sorry.”
“I just…” Harlow struggled to find a starting point. He’d had a few days now to reflect on her behavior, and while he understood where she was coming from, he couldn’t get over the way her actions had made him feel. As a parent, as a provider, and as a guardian, he’d failed her. How terrible a father did he have to be to have his daughter bottle up everything inside until it drove her to run away? “I wish you would have talked to me sooner about how bad things were getting for you, and how terrible you felt. I don’t know what I could have done better. I’ve tried my hardest to be the father you need, and it hurts that you believe I’d force you to stay somewhere you’re not happy. Your happiness is why I’m here—why I do the things I do. I’m crazy about you, Evie. I love you with all my heart. We’re a team. I’malwaysgoing to be on your side.”
Evie crossed her arms over her chest, her gaze lowered. “I love you, too, Dad.”
“You don’t have to run away to get what you want.” Harlow wasn’t sure whether what he said helped or hurt—children didn’t come with a manual, and there were so many varying opinions on the best way to raise a child that most of the time, he listened to no one and simply did what he thought was best. The mistakes he made by following his own path were many, but after years of trial and error, he felt he’d developed a good system. Evie was successful, and curious, and mostly happy. Until she’d disappeared, he’d thought they were getting along fine. “All you need to do—all you ever need to do—is talk to me. I know that it can be difficult because I’m your dad, but… I’m not going to judge you. I’m not going to tell you that you’re wrong, or force you to stick to something you really don’t want to do. I hope that going forward you remember that… and even if our paths in life split us apart, I hope you know that I’m here for you always.Always.Even if you’d never acted a single second of your life, I would be your biggest fan… and I still will be, no matter what.”
“Dad…” Evie lifted her t-shirt and used it to dab the corners of her eyes. “I’m sorry. I really am sorry. I… I wasn’t thinking. It felt like a good idea at the time, but it wasn’t. I know that now. I wish that I would have done things differently. I wish I hadn’t hurt you.”
“Kiddo, I’m not upset that you hurt me.” Harlow laughed. He mussed her hair, regardless of the clip she wore, and for once, she didn’t try to bat his hand away. “Pain… pain is temporary. Pain is anexperience.You grow from it, you learn from it, you’re shaped by it. It’s necessary and unavoidable. All we need to do is work on our communication skills—lessen that pain a little bit by sharing it, make it more manageable for both of us, you know?”
“I know.” Evie curled up into a ball and fell onto the arm of the couch. “All of it just… it feels so big in my head. It feels like the biggest dealever.I feel like I’m crazy, like my mind is telling me all these things that aren’t true, and that I’m not able to figure out what’s actually something I need to worry about, and what’s not.”
Harlow chuckled. “Yeah, that would be puberty.”
Evie, still in ball form, swatted in his direction, but failed to make contact. “I’m awoman,Dad.”
“Yeah, you are, but that doesn’t mean that your body’s done growing. You’re still getting used to all those hormones.”
“Ugh, Isodo not want to talk about hormones with you.” Evie rolled off the couch, landing on the floor with athud.It would have been an effective escape maneuver had they not been in a top-floor apartment. “Ouch…”
“Careful, kiddo—we’re not living at home anymore. There are people living beneath us.”
“Sorry, Dad.” Evie popped up from where she’d landed, wincing and rubbing her flank. “I won’t do that again. Lesson learned. And on a serious note, I won’t do anything drastic like run away again, either. It wasn’t fair of me, and I know that now. I really am sorry.”
“I know.”
“Can I go get something to eat now?” Evie pinched her clip and retwisted her hair, then pinned it back in place. “Or is there more you wanna talk about?”
“That’s it.” Harlow watched her, his heart heavy. There’d been a point in his life where, as a teenager, he’d gone through the same complex emotions. Meeting Emerson for the first time, fanning his tail feathers, doing crazy shit just to make him smile… he knew what it felt like to be young and dumb and in love. All he could hope was that Evie would learn from her experience. “I’m good—go get a snack. If you ever want to talk about anything, whether it’s serious or not, I’m here.”
A look flashed through Evie’s eyes, dark and pained and doubtful, then faded from view before Harlow could figure out what to make of it. A smile he didn’t trust took its place. “Sure! Do you want anything?”
“No, thanks.”
“Okay, you got it.” Evie made her retreat before Harlow could ask her about what she’d been feeling just then—what troubled thoughts were going through her mind. Privacy was her right, but as a parent, it killed him to know that there were demons she’d rather fight alone.
