The living room was as Alex had left it. There was a glass of water—one he’d left out—partially consumed on the table. The television was off, and the blanket he’d kicked to the bottom of the couch while napping was heaped in the same spot. The only thing that was different was that Matthew was now sprawled across the couch, his head resting on the arm, and his feet tucked under the blanket. He stared at the ceiling, his expressionvacant.
“I wouldn’t have believed you if you hadn’t told me every single thing he’s ever done to me,” Matthew murmured when Alex entered the room. “He always made such a big deal out of doing things for me… complimenting me, giving me gifts… and then he’d make me feel like I’d done something wrong, and that I wasn’t worthy of him atall.”
Alex went to sit on the opposite arm of the couch while Gage settled into an armchair across the room. Matthew kept staring at the ceiling. He laced his fingers together and rested his hands over hisstomach.
“All of it… all of it he did to you, too?” Matthew asked. His voice cracked, and he closed his eyes. “He told me that I was so special. He told me that he never dated guys as young as me, but I was different. He told me that he’d marry me if he got me pregnant, and he’d take care of thebaby.”
“That’s a new line.” Alex snorted. “But the rest? That’s everything he told me, too, when I was seventeen, and he wanted to be with me. As soon as I was eighteen, I moved out to be with him, and it got worse. But… he’d already started to hit you, hadn’t he?” Alex remembered the look of fear on Matthew’s face back in the gallery, and how he’d ducked his gaze when Jason spoke to him. “How has your dad notseen?”
“Jason never hit me where other people would see,” Matthew mumbled. “He told me that he was correcting me, and that it was the only way that I’d learn. I hated it, but I love him,and—”
“Youlovedhim,” Alex insisted. “You don’t love him anymore, Matthew. The things he did to you… the things he would have done toyou…”
Matthew locked his arms over his eyes. “I love him. I don’t know why I left. He’s going to hate me. He’s never going to want to take me back now.” His voice cracked again, and then, with a soulful sob, he started to cry. “I don’t know why I listened to you. I shouldn’t have lefthim.”
“No, you did the right thing.” Alex slid from the arm of the couch and set a hand on Matthew’s calf. “I know it’s hard. I left him, too, and I cried about it for days. You’re allowed to cry and feel sorry for yourself and believe that you’ll never find anyone better. That’s okay. But you need to feel all those things, and then you need to let them go. Life is going to go on. One day, you’re going to meet a man who’s kind to you, and who takes care of you in ways you never imagined youdeserved.”
A man like Laurence, who was wonderful beyond words, and who stitched Alex back together every time he felt like he was fallingapart.
“But you know what?” Alex kept his eyes on Matthew, searching for any sign that he was getting through to him. “Even though you feel like you don’t deserve any love or kindness, that’s alie.That’s a lie Jason trained you to believe. He got into your head and he’s twisted you up so much that you’re going to get whiplash when you come undone… and I promise, you will come undone. You’re going to find it within your heart to forgive yourself for making mistakes. You’re going to learn from this experience, and you’re going to turn out better for it. And if it takes you time to get back to where you need to be, so what? You’re not recovering from this for anyone else. You’re recovering from this foryou.”
Matthew let his arms drop from his face. He lifted his head to look at Alex, the pain in his eyes assuaged. “And you… he hurt you worse than he hurtme.”
“It’s not a contest,” Alex remarked. “Though, if you break it down, you could technically say that. But all pain is pain—it’s qualitative, not quantitative. Yours shouldn’t be considered any less serious just because to an outsider, it looks like I was hurtmore.”
“He’s right, you know,” Gage said from across the room. He’d tucked his legs to his chest and had his arms wrapped around them, his chin rested on his knees. “What you went through is terrible. You’re allowed to feel torn up overit.”
Matthew deflated onto the couch. He let out a lofty sigh, then wiped the tears from his cheeks and resumed staring at the ceiling. “You said that I’m all twisted up. How do I start to untwist myself? I know that I shouldn’t see him anymore, but I… Iwantto.”
“It’s not going to be easy.” Alex worked his thumb in slow circles on Matthew’s calf, imitating the affection Laurence had shown to him so many times in the past. He didn’t want to be Matthew’s father—heneverwanted a dynamic like that to develop between them, due to their slight age difference—but he wanted to let Matthew know that he was there for him. “But you have me to turn to if you need help, and if you want, I’m sure Gage would lend you an ear,too.”
“I totally would,” Gageagreed.
“And whatever you decide to share or to keep to yourself is your decision. I’m not going to tell your dad about what happened. If you want to tell him, that’s up toyou.”
Matthew frowned. “You’re not lying to me, areyou?”
“Nope.” Alex patted his leg, then slouched down onto the couch. Matthew tented his knees to give him space. “I wouldn’t lie about something like that. I’m your dad’s boyfriend, but right now, I’m just Alex, and what we’re talking about is between us—it’s not for him to know unless that’s what youwant.”
The pain in Matthew’s eyes lessened. He looked Alex over carefully. “You meanit.”
“Yep.” Alex hazarded a laugh. “Ido.”
There was a moment of silence. Then, tentatively, Matthew stretched out his legs and laid his ankles on Alex’s lap. They’d had very few interactions—for the most part, Matthew kept to himself and spent his time either in his room, or out with friends. Alex didn’t blame him. At sixteen, it had to be hard to accept that his dad was starting his life over and having a new baby, and even harder yet to embrace Alex, if only because of his age. Alex didn’t mind. He understood. But now, he was starting to wonder if Matthew wasn’t comingaround.
“When I saw you and Dad together in the kitchen that first night, I thought that you were either a random hookup, or that you were trying to get into his pants so you could get at his money.” Matthew tugged the zipper of his hoodie up until it was at its peak and tucked his nose beneath the plastic teeth. “I don’t think that anymore. You’re with Dad because he’s good to you, right? All those things you said…” He sighed, but the sound of it wasn’t unpleasant or annoyed. It was the kind of sigh that emptied a person of their worry. “All I wanna do is curl up and cry, but if you can find someone like Dad, then I can find someone, too. Someone who’s gonna take care of me and the baby. This isn’t the end of my life. I thought that when Jason came back, it was my last shot at happiness… but it’snot.”
“And just like that, you’ve come undone.” Alex smiled at Matthew. In him, he saw the injuries of his past. Hard-won experience had taught Alex to suture those wounds, and in time, he hoped that they would heal evenly. He didn’t want Matthew to follow the self-destructive path that he had. He was still so young, and he had so much to live for. “It’s going to be okay… and if you find yourself in too rough a mental state to believe it, then you’ve got me to remind you that it’strue.”
Matthew raised the hood of his hoodie. He tugged on the drawstrings, narrowing how much of the world he let in. “Alex?”
“Yeah?”
“I know your friend is here, and it’s fine if you don’t want to, but would you mind it if wehugged?”
Alex’s smile grew. Purple bloomed in his vision, different from the one he saw with Laurence—it was pastel and pure, friendly instead of romantic. He stretched out across the couch next to Matthew and wrapped him in his arms. Up close, he saw why Matthew had tightened his hood—he’d started to silently cryagain.
“It’s going to be okay,” Alex whispered. “It’s a lot to deal with, but you’re not alone. We’ve got this together. Any time you need me, I’m here. I understand. And I’ll never judge you.Never.”
