“How old ishe?”
Matthew’s eyes narrowed, then he looked away. “What does it matter how old he is? You were fucking someone almost my agetonight.”
“Matthew,I amnotplayinggames.”
“Whatever. He was twenty-seven, okay? It’s only like ten years, almost, which isn’t even anything. But he’s gone now, so it doesn’t matter. I went to his apartment and there was no one there. I looked in through the window and the whole place was empty. I told him I was pregnant last week, and he packed all his shit, changed his number, and moved. I don’t even know where he is, or if he even gave me his realname.”
Laurence took a deep breath. It was all he could do to keep from saying something he’dregret.
“You’re mad at me,” Matthew mumbled. His voice had lost its frantic edge and becomevulnerable.
On the inside, Laurence was furious. On the outside, he let go of the air in his lungs and spoke slowly, but with purpose. “I’m not mad at you, Matthew. I’m mad at what happened, and that someone took advantage of you like that. What that man did isnotokay. How old were you when you started datinghim?”
“It doesn’t matter,” Matthewmumbled.
“How. Old.” Laurence wouldn’t let it go. He understood that he’d been out that night with someone significantly younger than he was, but Matthew was still a baby. He was in high school. In some states, he wasn’t evenlegal.
“We didn’t start dating until I turned sixteen,” Matthew said rigidly. “Okay? He’s not acreep.”
Laurence thought differently. A twenty-seven-year-old man dating a sixteen-year-old child wasnotokay. But pursuing someone for ephebophilia was not as urgent at the moment as making sure Matthew was okay. No matter how angry Laurence was that Matthew hadn’t practiced safe sex, Matthew was the victim in this situation. He would not blame his son for what hadhappened.
“My life is never going to get any better, is it?” Matthew asked in a whisper when Laurence saidnothing.
Laurence swallowed his anger and put on a brave face. He was entitled to his opinions and emotions, but he was also a dad, and he would put aside what he felt to support Matthew when he needed it the most. “Your life will get better,” Laurence said. “We’re going to figure this out, and whatever you decide, we’ll make it work. But not tonight. Tonight, we both need to come down from our emotions and think about what we’re going to do, okay? We can have a conversation in themorning.”
“Okay,” Matthew said in a small voice. “I’msorry.”
“I know you are. We’re going to make it better. You’ll see.” Laurence told himself that if he kept saying it, he’d make it true. Right now, it felt like the world as he knew it had turned itself on its head and he’d never find a way to set it rightagain.
“You really think everything is going to be okay?” Matthew looked up at him, seeking confirmation. Laurence smiled even though he wanted to scream. He pushed back Matthew’s hood and ran a hand through his hair, mussingit.
“We got this, kiddo.” Laurence invested every bit of positivity he had left into what he said. Now more than ever, Matthew needed his guidance. He had to be strong for him, no matter the detriment to himself. “It’s scary, and you’ve got some big decisions to make going forward, but no matter what, I’ve got your back. I promise you that in the end, everything will turn outokay.”
11
Alex
“Nothing is ever goingto be okay again.” Alex leaned against a tree in a public park not all that far from Laurence’s house and looked up at the night sky, his phone pressed to his ear. The park was officially closed, and he knew that he could get in trouble for loitering, but to hell with the rules. To hell with anything at all. He was in a part of town he was unfamiliar with, there was cum soaking through the back of his good suit pants, and his heart felt like it had been put through a blender set to purée. “I don’t know what’s happening tome.”
“It’s going to be okay, Alex,” Gage said. “I know you, and I know that you’re going to pull through this stronger thanever.”
“I feel like my insides have been dipped in acid and are sizzling anddying,Gage.” It was a little dramatic, but it got the pointacross.
Gage paused. “Did his dick look…dirty?”
“Oh my god.” Alex slapped a hand over his face. “No.I don’t mean that I literally feel like… ugh. That’s gross. You’re gross. I mean emotionally, I feel like I’ve been beat up and spit out. Physically? I’m… what’s the word you used the other day in thestudio?”
“Glowy?”
“Mm. Glowy. Yeah, I think that’s probably a good way to put it.” Alex rested his head against the tree. The coarse bark caught some of his hair, and he winced as it tugged. “I’ve been walked in on before. Do you remember last year when that bigwig banker or whoever he was brought me home, and his boyfriend walked in on us? It’s exactly like that, but with a kid, and then nothing like that atall.”
“What do youmean?”
“I mean…” Alex sighed. He was rambling, and his thoughts were forming just as disjointedly as his words were. “I mean, itshouldfeel the same, but it doesn’t. The same disconnection, resentment, guilt… it’s not there. I mean, I feel guilt in droves, but it’s… it’s not like it was before. It’s a kind of hollow, fragile guilt, like I really did something wrong thistime.”
“What colors are you seeing?” Gageasked.
Alex scowled. “Magenta.”
