“Matthew?” Laurence knocked on the door again. “Matthew, at least let me know you’re in there. You don’t need to open the door if you don’t want to, but I want to make sure you’re okay. Can you at least tell me to goaway?”
Nothing.
Fear displaced every hard emotion in Laurence’s chest, and he set his hand on the doorknob. It wasn’t like Matthew to shut down, not even in a situation like this. There was something else going on. “I’m opening thedoor.”
Laurence turned the knob. There was no cry of protest—not even a grumbled “Whatever,” but he knew he’d heard Matthew retreat into his room from downstairs. He knew that Matthew had to bethere.
Laurence pushed the door open. The bottom dropped out of hisstomach.
On the bed, facing away from the door, lay Matthew. He didn’t speak. He didn’t move. It didn’t look like he wasbreathing.
“Matthew?” Laurence asked, fear turning to terror. He rushed across the room and grabbed Matthew by the shoulder, rolling him onto his back so they were eye to eye. “Speak tome!”
But Matthew didn’t speak. He stared up at Laurence with glossy, unfocusedeyes.
The boy Laurence knew was gone, and Laurence wasn’t sure if he could bring himback.
10
Laurence
Drugs.It had to be drugs. Laurence smoothed back the hair that fell over Matthew’s eyes and checked his pupils. They were properly dilated. But what else could it be? Benzos, barbiturates… they weren’t difficult to overdose on. If Matthew didn’t know what he was doing, then his life was in danger. Laurence wouldn’t let thathappen.
“I’m calling 911,” Laurence told him. He reached for his phone, but before he could pull it out, Matthew grabbed his wrist, holding his arm inplace.
“No.”
“Matthew?”
“Don’t call 911. I’m not hurt.” Matthew’s lips thinned, and his eyelids drooped slightly. “Not like that, anyway. Not in any way a doctor couldcure.”
“What happened tonight?” Laurence asked. He did his best to keep his tone unaffected, but it was difficult to do when Matthew was acting so strangely. Until he knew for sure what was going on, panic continued to spike Laurence’s pulse. “I know that you saw some things you shouldn’t have seen, but for you to… to shut down like this isn’t normal. There’s something you’re not tellingme.”
Matthew turned his head slowly. He looked up at Laurence, his distant gaze partially hidden by his drooping eyelids. It wasn’t like Matthew to cry, but it was even more unlike him to look so drained of life. “Life really doesn’t get any better, doesit?”
The question took Laurence by surprise. He frowned. “What?”
“Life.” Matthew’s lips pinched in at the corners. “Growing up… becoming an adult. It never gets any better, does it? Life starts shitting on you as soon as you hit puberty, and then it keeps shitting on you until you die, but you’re expected to hold it together and look normal, right? While on the inside, you’re screaming? You’re just screaming, and screaming, and there’s no one there tohelp.”
A chill shot down Laurence’s spine. “What’s made you thinkthat?”
“Because life is shitting on me right now,” Matthew uttered. His voice was hoarse, like he’d run it ragged in the short time they’d been talking. “Nothing’s ever going to get better from here on out, I’m pretty sure. That’s why when I was little, you always told me not to grow up so fast, even though I wanted to. It’s not… it’s not what I thought it was going to be like. Being an adult isn’t about having unlimited power… it’s about being powerless, but having to act like everything is fine—like the whole world is sunshine and rainbows, even when it’s going down in goddamn flames all aroundyou.”
“Matthew, what happened?” The distressed beat of Laurence’s pulse rushed in his ears, and his heart felt like it might take flight. Matthew was only sixteen. The biggest problems in his life were fitting in with his friends and passingclass.
Matthew closed his eyes. He rolled onto his side so he was facing away from Laurence, then pulled up his hood and tightened its drawstrings. “My boyfriend doesn’t want to be with meanymore.”
“You have aboyfriend?”
Matthew didn’t roll over to look at Laurence, but he didn’t need to—Laurence heard the glare in his voice. “Yes, Dad, I had a boyfriend, but he’s gone now. He’s gone, and I’m all alone, and life isn’t going to ever be better for me. It’sover.”
The last Laurence had heard, Matthew wasn’t interested in pursuing a relationship with anyone, male or female. He’d only just started going into heat. “How long were youtogether?”
Matthew balled his fists and yanked one of his pillows from where it rested, then crushed it down over his head, further blocking him from Laurence’s sight. In a way, Laurence found himself relieved. He vaguely remembered what it was like to be a teenager falling in love—and lust—for the first time, and how easily his feelings had been bruised. Even an argument with a friend had felt like the end of the world back then. In time, Matthew would piece himself back together. He’d find happiness and love again, and Laurence would be there to encourage him as he discovered his own way toindependence.
It was far easier to deal with than a drugproblem.
“Does it really matter?” Matthew asked through thepillow.
