A few words were crossed out, struck through and scribbled over so intensely that Cedric couldn’t make out what Gabriel had written. The textresumed.
—well, but I also know that you mean the world to me. I told you that I have a boyfriend and that I was in love with him and that I was supposed to make a family with him, but when I told you that, I was lying to you. I didn’t know I was lying when I said it, but I was. I know that now. You showed me that. Garrison was a bad man, and he did bad things to me. I knowthatI’m—
A few more words were struck from the page, and the paper had torn where Gabriel had pressed the pen too hard. Cedric blinked away tears and ran his thumb over the wrinkledpaper.
—not okay, but I’m doing my best to get better even if you can’t see it. I want to please you. I want to make you proud and wear your collar and share your bed. I want to make you feel as good as you make me feel. I didn’t know that it was possible to feel good like that, but you showed me it is. All you did was be kind to me and I hurt you and I’m sosorry.
A whole paragraph was blotted out. Cedric wiped the tears from his eyes with the back ofhishand.
Adrian says that I can’t love you because a few weeks ago I said I loved Garrison, but I don’t think that’s true. He’s smart about a lot of things, but he’s not always smart about me. He doesn’t know that I never loved Garrison. I don’t think anyone does. I only found it out for myself after I met you because I figured out that I love you, Sir. I love you, and I went about showing it to you the wrong way, and I’m sorry. I wish I hadn’t messed upsobad.
Cedric’s hand trembled. He sat on the toilet and set his hands on his lap, but it did little to keep the paper fromrustling.
Please come see me. Please. I hurt inside because you’re not here, and I promise I won’t try to get you to take my heat next time. I promise I’ll be good. We can work together to make sure that I’m better and then we can be happy and I can give you a family when you want it and then we can be happy together. I won’t ever be mean to you or disobey you or make you angry. You won’t ever have to send me awayagain.
The last of Cedric’s willpower ran out. Tears streamed down his cheeks, and he let out a single, shuddering sob that he couldn’t swallow no matter how hard hetried.
I love you, Sir. I’m sorry I didn’t know how to show it. When we get back together, can you please teach me how to love properly so I don’t hurt you again? Because all I know how to do is wrong, and I want to do right. All I want is tobegood.
There was no signature. There didn’t havetobe.
Cedric set the note on the counter and covered his face with his hands. Grief had never felt like this before. The profound ache in his chest crushed his lungs and shrank his stomach. It stole his will to keep going, and urged him to abandon logic and act on impulse. Cedric couldn’t let that happen. Gabriel needed kindness. For now, all he could do was hold onandhope.
* * *
Anoise joltedCedric from a dead sleep. Light from the television bathed the living room in its glow, but the volume was muted—the sound hadn’t come from it. Cedric rubbed his eyes and pushed Gabriel’s blanket away. There was a chance that it was the furnace clunking back on after a period of inactivity, but it had sounded too loud and too close, like someone had bashed in thefrontdoor.
Cedric rubbed the sleep from his eyes. The front door was a few feet from the couch, and it was still in one piece. The lock was engaged, and the small, frosted window at eye level was undisturbed. It must have been adream.
Groggy, Cedric searched for the remote and turned off the television. Memories from the night before returned, and with them came the same despair he’d harbored all evening. The note in the bathroom had torn him to pieces, and he still wasn’t over it. To know that Gabriel was hurting and that there was nothing he could do about it shook Cedric’s faith in himself. If he was this easily ruined by another, then what good was he as a Dom? The career he’d built for himself was founded on lies. At heart, he was still the meek submissive eager to listen and obey. Who was he, playing at something hewasn’t?
Before Cedric found the remote, another clatteringcrashbroke the silence of the night. This time, Cedric knew he hadn’t imagined it. He bolted up from the couch, head spinning from the sudden change in position. It wasn’t the front door that was under attack—it was the side door in thecarport.
It happened again, and this time, Cedric heard the knob crash against the wall-guard. Booted feet struck the kitchenfloor.
Someone was in thehouse.
Cedric grabbed the closest thing he could find—the lamp off the table. The plug separated from the wall and hit the ground. The noise was much louder than he would have liked, and the footstepsstopped.
A man chuckled in the kitchen. Cedric’s bloodrancold.
He grabbed the lamp’s cord and wrapped it around his free hand so the plug stayed off the ground, then slowly, he crept forward. If he could get to the kitchen doorway and hide to the side, he could surprise the intruder and clock him over the head withthelamp.
Cedric didn’t get thechance.
The footsteps in the kitchen started again, and when they did, they came quicker than before. All Cedric had time to do was widen his stance and prepare for attack. The intruder barreled through the kitchen and came to a stop in the doorway. He didn’t need to come any closer. The light from the television bathed his face in haunting shadows, and Cedric’s eyeswidened.
“Hello, Cedric,” the man said. His teeth gleamed in the dim light, and his eyes shone with unmasked cruelty. The air smelled of wood, leather, and... “It’s so nice to see youagain.”
38
Gabriel
“It’ll be $21.85,kid.”
Gabriel unfolded a twenty-dollar bill from his pocket, then counted his singles. One. Two. Three. Four. He handed the money to the driver, then opened the car door and stepped outside. In his hand was the jagged piece of cardboard he’d torn from the box his collar hadarrivedin.
CedricLangston
