“What about Adrian?” I ask desperately.
He squeezes my hand. “I won’t leave. I’ll go as far as they’ll let me.”
“You can come with us to the pre-op area and help him get into scrubs if you’d like,” one of the nurses says as she starts to move Emily’s bed. “But only one support person is allowed in the OR, sorry.”
“Thank you.” Adrian nods, squeezing my hand again. “See, I’ll be right in pre-op. You got this.”
Getting to the OR is a blur, and before I know it, someone is handing me a set of scrubs. “It’ll be a few minutes while we get everything prepared and confirm the epidural placement before you can join us. Put the scrubs on over what you’rewearing if you can, otherwise there’s a curtain here if you need privacy. I’ll come and get you when we’re ready. Don’t touch anything in the operating room, and if you feel dizzy or faint at all, go toward the exit door and sit on the ground. I won’t have you passing out into my sterile field, got it?”
I nod. I got this. I think.
Adrian hands me the scrubs as I pull them on, helping me fit a scrubcap hairnet thing on my head and booties over my shoes. And then, we wait. I try to focus on deep breathing, but I can’t stand still, fidgeting as I think about everything that’s happening, what today means, that I’ll be bringing a baby home with me when I leave, how I wish Adrian was planning to come home with me, too.
He grabs my hand again, rubbing his thumb soothingly as he looks up at me. “Hey, everything is fine. You’ll be the very best dad.”
I nod, but I can’t help voice some of my concern. “How do you know?”
He lets out a soft laugh. “You’ve done everything you can to prepare, and you’re the best person I know. This kid is so lucky to have you.” He smiles, and his dimples soothe some of my anxiety. I feel like I can take a full breath for the first time since Kathy mentioned surgery.
But my heart rate picks up again when Adrian adds, “Anyone would be lucky to have you.” He’s staring up at me with so much adoration and longing, and I’m sick of acting like we don’t want to be together, as if Adrian isn’t the very best thing that’s ever happened to me.
I know that the nurse could come back at any moment, but I have to ask. “What about you?”
Adrian’s brows scrunch together as he asks, “What about me?”
I’m done holding back. “You said ‘anyone would be lucky tohave me.’ Well, what about you?” I ask, voice cracking a little, but I force myself to go on, to tell him everything I’m feeling so he can’t brush me off again.
“Adrian, I only want you. I want you to be there for everything, every day. I love that you beat me to the hospital. I love that you were there at every adoption meeting and class, that you got to hear the heartbeat with me, even if it was over the phone. Not because you were helping me out, but because we got to share those things. I love that my memories of this adoption process all include you.”
His jaw has fallen open, but he doesn’t stop me. “You know how much I want to be a dad, how excited I am that it’s actually happening, but it doesn’t feel right to think about taking the baby home without you being there to share that moment with. I appreciate every ounce of support you’ve offered me, but I don’t want you there just to help me. You’re easily the most helpful person I’ve ever met, but that isn’t why I want you there.”
“Then why…?” he asks quietly, blinking up at me still looking confused.
I shake my head. “Adrian, I want you there so that when the baby smiles for the first time, we can both experience that, together. I don’t want to call you or text you about the milestones, about how our days were. I want you right there with me cheering them on as things happen. I want to already know every detail of your day as we fall asleep in the same bed together because I was there for it all.”
I take his other hand, squeezing them. “I want us to be a family. You said this kid is lucky to have me? Well, I think they would be even luckier to have you. You’re the very best thing that’s happened to me, and I wouldn’t be here today, about to become a dad, if it wasn’t for you. I thought I would have more time before the baby was here for more grand gestures, but this is it. And I don’t think those were working anyway, becauseproving to you that you’re my first choice isn’t about those things.”
“It isn’t?” he asks in that same confused tone, but his mouth is tilting up the faintest amount in the corners.
“No, because being with someone isn’t about big grand gestures. I think it’s about all the boring little moments that aren’t actually boring because you’re with the other person, and being with them makes everything better. You make everything better, Adrian.”
He’s smiling now, a hint of those dimples peeking through, giving me hope. “I do?”
I nod, my own smile taking over my face. I think this might actually be working, but I’m not done. “Do you remember when I asked you early on why you thought you didn’t deserve for people to be nice to you, to take care of you? That it seemed like you’re always helping everyone else with no one to look out for you.”
He nods, still smiling.
I move a hand to cup his cheek. “Well, now I’m asking if you think you don’t deserve to be loved? Because I’m here, begging you to let me be that person, and I’m telling you that you deserve it. That I would like to spend the rest of my life proving to you that you’ll always be my number one choice. You are so much more than a convenient option. You’re the only option for me. Other than this baby, you’re it for me, Adrian. Whether you believe me today or five years from now, my answer won’t change, because I’m completely in love with you.”
42
ADRIAN
“You love me?” I repeat.
I’m trying to let the words sink in. To really take in everything Hudson just said to me.
I think he’s right. The big gestures have only made me more nervous, given me more reasons to believe he only wants to be with me because I’m making him chase me, that when I finally admit how much I want to be with him, he’ll feel like he’s won and no longer care.
