I’ve been trying to repeat everything Beck said to me about Hudson’s loyalty and about not letting my past get in my way. But anxieties aren’t always logical, and as much as I try to pretend like my childhood wasn’t a big deal, that I got over the way my parents so easily kicked me out of their life after ignoring me for so long, apparently, I’m not as unaffected as I’d hoped.
I just don’t think I’ll ever be able to believe that Hudson really wants to be with me while I’m the easiest option.
I’ve been calling it a crush for a long time, but I know I’ve been downplaying my feelings, even to myself. I’m in love withhim. I have been for a long time, and our time being together physically has only made those feelings harder to ignore. He really is my dream man, a fantasy come to life. I used to think of Shelby as a black hole, sucking away the best parts of him and dimming his light. I’d like to think I could be the one to reflect it back at him, that our time as roommates has made us both happier people even though we haven’t actually been together.
I know I’ve never been happier.
And I want to believe him when he says he wants to date me. I want that desperately. I haven’t been able to stop myself from fantasizing about what life would look like if he really does still want to be with me and if I admitted how much I want that too.
But wanting it doesn’t eliminate my concerns, so I need to continue on with our plan. I’ve tried so hard to not think of today as a possible celebration for a child that could someday be mine, but I couldn’t help imagining myself at Hudson’s side while opening presents instead of being the person who recorded who got him what gift. I pictured everyone also congratulating me, gushing over what a great dad I’ll be, too.
Even if things do work out perfectly, and we do end up together after Hudson’s had that time alone to figure things out, I know that wouldn’t be any time soon. So, I’ll continue in my role as supportive friend and keep the focus of today on Hudson.
It isn’t hard when he’s always my focus.
I just hope no one else catches on to the hearts that I can feel in my eyes every time I look at him.
That no one realizes just how in love with Hudson I am.
39
HUDSON
May
“And where does this go?” I ask, holding up a frilly looking… sheet? Maybe.
“That’s the crib skirt,” Adrian explains. “It goes under the mattress so it hangs around the edge, then you can’t see under the crib.”
“Right. God forbid we see that,” I deadpan, earning a laugh from Adrian who’s folding up all the clothes I got yesterday at the baby shower he threw with some of the WAGs. I had never been to a baby shower before, but Adrian made it very clear that it was a gender neutral, everyone-included event.
Still, I was surprised that every single player and their families showed up on our off day. I’m going to miss having that kind of support, but a lot of the moms assured me that they weren't going anywhere when I retire. I had to swear that I’d be joining their playgroup before they let me leave, and I didn’t hesitate to agree.
Adrian had my parents video call in. He had offered to have them come in person, but my dad had a fever last week, and mymom was too anxious about the trip. I completely understood, and I thought it was really sweet that Adrian had put that much effort in. Apparently, he even helped them pick out a gift, a video baby monitor that he helped my mom set up on her phone so she can check on the baby when she wants to so she can feel like a part of things.
I got a little choked up when he was explaining that to me. Looking at the camera now, where it’s already in place above the crib, has me emotional for a different reason. I can’t believe today is finally here.
The day I have been both excitedly counting down to and absolutely dreading.
I’m moving into my house.
Honestly, it probably could have happened sooner. Project-wise, things wrapped up a couple of weeks ago, but Adrian was still tweaking things, and the first round of the play-offs ended up being way longer than we’d all hoped, needing all seven games for us to advance. Moving in the middle of that would have been a mess.
Moving in the middle of the play-offs during a winning season is insane from a superstition standpoint in the first place. And believe me, I’ve contemplated using that excuse to stay with Adrian for even longer, but as much as I have absolutely loved every moment of us physically being together, I’m also desperate for him to admit that what we have is so much more than a hookup arrangement between roommates.
I refuse to use the L word, even to myself, until I’m ready to say it to him, and until I think he might be ready to hear it, but I’m convinced that Adrian is it for me. He’s the person I was always meant to end up with, and as strange as it may be, I think the only reason I ever married Shelby was so I could end up here, about to adopt a baby, hopefully with Adrianat my side.
And we were able to win this round in only five games, so I’m using my few days off to move into my new house.
Well, I didn’t do any of the moving. I can’t risk getting injured because I lift a box the wrong way, but Adrian has organized for the few things I’d ended up with in the divorce to be moved in here, and has furnished the rest of the house perfectly.
The only room with anything left to be done is the nursery, and that’s only because Adrian insisted I should be the one “nesting” to prepare for the baby to come.
So that’s what we’re doing tonight:nesting.
I’m just glad Adrian agreed to help. I want him to want to do all these parenting things with me because I really believe he is going to be this baby’s other dad. He’s thinking about ways to include my parents from another state, and he’s picked out everything in this farm themed, gender-neutral nursery.
I really think he wants to be a part of this family he’s helping build, he just isn't ready to admit it because he’s afraid it could be taken away from him, or maybe that he doesn’t belong in it. Whatever the reason, I think it has to do with his shitty parents, and if it wouldn’t risk my adoption on the off chance they started a fight they wouldn’t win, I probably would have flown to Arkansas by now to give them a piece of my mind about just how horrible they are.
