I roll out one of the foam mats propped in the corner and start my breathing exercise, but the opening of the door stops me. My heart picks up at the sight of Liem, his hands in his pockets, a shy expression falling over his face.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt.”
“Oh, no, you didn’t. You caught me right before I started.”
He nods eyeing the foam mat, then traces my figure more slowly than he normally does. Thinking I’d be alone, I didn’t care what I wore today, my brain registering what I have on. My tight leggings and snug fit sports bra cling to my skin, but… I don’t shy away, nor do I hide myself. Liem doesn’t make me feel as though I should. There’s nothing predatory about his stare. It doesn’t make me recoil, it makes me feel alive.
“I’ve decided to give this whole yoga thing another shot.”
His body straightens and a tension seems to roll off his shoulders. The heat rising on my face from his genuine reaction.
“That’s good, Danika. Really good.”
“Thanks. It is, isn’t it?” I smile with my body growing weightless.
“Do you mind if I watch?”
My body stills and I swallow.
He wants to watch me.
“Only if it doesn’t make you uncomfortable,” he adds.
I glance outside where there isn’t another living, breathing soul. Just me and Liem and every piece of me turns warm. My cheeks are hot. My insides boil like my veins will catch fire. “Yes. I’d love that.” We hold each other’s stares for a moment before he backs up to the wall folding his arms over his chest. He’d be intimidating to a stranger but for me, Liem being here is a boost of confidence. It’s like I can do anything. Accomplish anything with him cheering me on.
Silently of course.
Okay. Let’s do this then.
I start with a warmup I haven’t done in so long but yearn to experience again. I focus steadily on my slow breathing, letting the peaceful sounds of instrumental music fill the voided silence. With my hands firmly pressed together, I gradually bring them up then back down.
This feels like a long-lost memory. One I’ve missed dearly.
You will survive.
You will live.
The songs of Liem’s words play repeatedly in my mind until I start to believe them.
I must survive.
I must live.
As I continue to steadily breathe, my mind falls into a comfortable place, the heavy burden of my nightmares seems to float away. Not sure if it’ll last, but right here, right now, I’m at peace with myself. The skeletons tucked away in my closet. And for the first time I’m able to let myself truly smile. Smilefor myself. Smile for Tequila. Smile for Liem who always seems to be there when I need him, leading to the small ache in my chest. Despite being in this serene element, I’m also yearning for someone I can’t have. A man who doesn’t want to be had and for the first time, I can’t stand not being touched by a man. For the first time, I’ve never wanted another person like I do Liem. Friends? Sure. But it is more than that for me.
My body used to be much stronger and the time off is making me pay. I have to ease into each movement to avoid the unbearable burn. If this was months ago, I’d be able to perform heavy positions and poses. My core used to be strong and solid. Not that it’s not now, but being out of practice is a risk for injury. So, I start slow easing into the basic beginner moves.
Leaning into a tree pose I close my eyes and breathe, and when I open them, I’m pierced with Liem’s stare. He doesn’t shy away like he would have if this were the first time we met. Or even the second. No, he catches my glance and holds me captive, and I don’t let go. As I continue, my eyes stay locked with his, and there’s a slight bob of his throat with the tiniest shift in his weight and rise of his chest. It’s electric and real and I can’t break away from it.
Next, I dip down into triangle poses allowing my arms to stretch and reach for the ceiling or stars in this case. I want to reach for the fucking stars.
As minutes tick by, my soul feels so much freer. Lighter. And something changes inside me. With a deep inhale, I try to flood out the bad energy even if it’s temporary and invite peace. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. To be trapped within my own body. The scars I have are ones to permanently remind me.
After my last set, I glance over at Liem who hasn’t taken his eyes off me the entire time. A moment of gratitude rushes through me and wet tears burn my eyes as they start to fall one by one. Slowly at first… then faster.
Why am I crying?
My shoulders shake as I stand on the mat, the cushioned foam feels pleasant underneath my bare feet and for the first time as he watched me, I try to hide myself from Liem. My hands cover my face soaking with tears. He lets me have my meltdown and when I glance up, he’s studying me with a comforting stillness.
