I swallow down the intensity. “I think I’m going to head home.”
The sudden decision of mine creates a look of surprise on Tequila’s face before realization overcomes it. “I’m sorry. We shouldn’t have been talking about any of that. In fact, the ol’ ladies usually don’t get told anything, but Tank knows better than to keep me in the dark.” She glances over at him, and he smirks. Then her mouth grows slack. “Please stay.”
My eyes avoid Tequila’s as I shuffle out from around the stool. “I don’t want to be the reason people are careful around me. Nor will I have everyone walking on eggshells. I really enjoyed today's class, but I think all this might be too much, too soon.” A sinking feeling swirls in the pit of my stomach. “I’ll be sure to pay you back for the food and drink. And I’ll get my bag another day.”
“I’m not worried about the money.” She shakes her head seriously.
My heart shatters when I finally meet her eyes. The sadness pouring out from her sends a tremendous ping of guilt through me.
“At least let Tank drive you home.”
I swallow taking a glance at the man wearing an apprehensive look. He’s careful not to scare me. But with everything happening so fast, I need to get out of here and being locked inside a car with a man I don’t know isn’t going to help my case.
The swirling in my stomach turns to nausea as I make my quick exit.
Outside, I lean against the brick of The Fallen Star to calm my breathing. Then it happens, the burning from the tears threatening to fall and they finally let go.
Here I am, a twenty something year old who suffers from PTSD, terrified of men, just bailed on probably the only real friend I’ve ever had. Or what could have been a legit friendship.
Her words repeat in my mind:You’re a good friend, Danika.
Am I? I had told her she shouldn’t say that until she fully knew me because look where that got us.
Snowflakes fall onto the already dampen street and sidewalk, and I tug my hoodie closer to my body the best I can, peering up at the sky.
“You know, I’m still learning on what it is to be a good friend, too.”
I turn toward Tequila as we stand together outside of Jules’s bar. Her expression is heavy, and her mind seems to be taken somewhere else.
My attention is back on the winter sky. “Everyone I’ve met so far, seems to be fond of you. I can tell you are agreatfriend, not just a good one.” I watch her expression as it changes.
A smile instantly forms, and her eyes appear lighter. Softer. “Thank you. Now I refuse to let you walk. It’s freezing and your apartment isn’t exactly close. Then if you never want to speak to me again… I completely get it. No hard feelings. I swear.”
“I don’t want that,” I answer honestly. “But I can’t promise I won’t run away again when things get a little weird and intense. I feel like all I know how to be anymore is closed off from everyone and everything.”
She nods. “We need a safe word. So, if you ever feel the need, you just say the word and we leave, or stop talking, or whatever it is you need to do. We’ll do it together.”
“How do you do it? You seem to be fine. So brave.”
She huffs. “Throttle still wakes me up at night sometimes because of the screams. Sometimes things aren’t always what they seem. You wear your heart on your sleeve and in ways, that’s stronger than I can ever be.”
My chest expands at the breath I take as I peer up at the sky once more. “Gracie.”
Tequila shifts toward me. “What’s that?”
My eyes meet hers. “My safe word.”
NINE
Hush
Danika. Her name grips onto me like a vice. She’s been around lately, mostly at the gym. But it’s putting me on edge, and I’ve been keeping my distance like a coward. Avoiding her the best I can. There’s a reason for it, I’m just not sure what that reason is yet. Which doesn’t make any sense because other times I follow her like a stalker. Her body, her presence knocks into me like a force I can’t explain. And that alone drives me madder than I already am. Without explanation I am in constant agony and I’m already suffering.
The voice inside my head is poison, allowing the misery to take over my thoughts. It’s crippling. Deafening. And I’m afraid one day, I won’t be able to control it any longer. Piece by piece it chisels off a part of me—of who I was and sometimes I wish for the end, but I know there’d be only one way, and the parts of me left won’t give that voice the satisfaction.
She’s been pushing herself hard. There’re times I’m leaving the shop, and I catch her driving herself to the point of exhaustion. She’s trying to prove something to herself. That drive is good, yet the outcome may eat her alive. It’s the same way I am with the club. Always running up the hill but falling just as I reach the top.
Right now, it’s one of those times, as I pass by noticing her inside the gym. She’s alone, but her fast movements, her push, tells me she doesn’t want to lose that battle within herself.
