The cigarette falls where I toss it, and I make my way to her grave site.
Recalling that day sends nausea swirling in my gut almost knocking me to the ground.
My boots sink through the muddy grass as I pass by someone’s loved ones. It’s not far before I reach Gracie’s stone.
Gracie Elizabeth Murdock
Beloved Daughter and Caring Nurse
December 15, 1989 – April 6, 2018
I never griped about them purposely leaving outbeloved fiancébecause who was I to wreak pain on already tortured souls even if I couldn’t stand that mother fucker she called a father. To her, he was her hero, and I left it at that. I let her believe he wasthis great man. Wasn’t my place when she was alive and wasn’t my place after she was gone.
I run my fingers over the marble butterfly sitting atop the stone. “Fuck, Gracie. I miss you so much,” my shaky whisper carries through the wind and tears burn my eyes. “I’m so sorry. I’m so fucking sorry I couldn’t save you. You deserved the best in life. It’s my fault. It’s all my fault.” My body trembles as the tears rush down my cheeks. My loud cries echo around me as my knees hit the ground.
“I wanted to chooseyou. It was alwaysyou. How am I supposed to let you go? It’s too hard. It hurts so bad.” I pound at my chest. “It hurts so damn much. I want it to stop.” The palms of my hands dampen with more sobs, and I let my body fall. Let the earth consume my weight.
My palm rests on the marble as I lay there weeping like a pathetic soul. “She’s strong like you. She’s so brave despite the pain she’s been through, and I admire the hell out of it. I envy her courage so much.” I half chuckle, half cry still. “You met her once. You probably even saved her life that day. The angel that you are, you might have saved her.” I lightly pound a fist to the solid stone, gripping it like the animate object is her. “I think I’m in love with her, Gracie. But how can I love another when I’ve loved you for so many years?”
I stay laying here, not knowing for how long, before my eyes start feeling heavy and I drift off, asleep next to her once more.
One by one, rain drops hit my face and I jerk awake. A noise has me reaching inside my cut only to realize I left my piece back at my Harley. But as I move to stand, I’m left face to face with the woman I thought I’d never see again, I’m brought back to that night at dinner when her father offered me money to walk away. And my veins flow with distain all over again.
The rain falls harder soaking me from head to toe as Gracie’s mother stands before me, her umbrella covering her as the water pours off the sides. She looks older, of course she does, it’s been so long since I’ve last seen her. But she also looks exhausted. Tired. Sad. She looks like she aged twenty years. And the wrinkles that line the corners of her eyes are somehow lifeless.
She looks like a mother who still grieves her daughter. Who will always grieve her daughter.
I go to step away, to leave, but she mimics me and blocks my path, halting me where I stand.
“I was wondering when you were going to wake up. Sat in my car for two hours.” She blinks slowly, not breaking eye contact except to eye me up and down carefully and returning to meet my glowering stare. “You look terrible.”
I scoff. “Yeah, well, these years haven’t been easy.”
She reciprocates my attitude. “No, they have not.” She turns and crouches down, placing a single red rose on Gracie’s gravestone. “Red roses were her favorite.”
They weren’t.They were Lillys. But I don’t correct her. Losing her daughter was enough punishment. There’s no need to remind her she barely knew her own daughter.
She rises as the rain continues to pour over us, water trickling off the ends of my hair, over my face and down my cut.
“My husband refuses to come here. He says there’s nothing left but her rotting corpse,” she laughs bitterly. “Called our daughter a rotting corpse.”
“Not surprised,” I let out, immediately regretting it.
She turns, her eyes holding my harsh glare. “I stand my ground on wanting Gracie to be with someone else. Someone other than you.”
My jaw ticks and I go to leave but her hand reaches out, stopping me. I look down as if she’s burning me with her touch and she snatches it away.
“But we could have gone about it differently. She loved you. She was willing to give up a lot for you. So that tells me you must be a decent man.”
My mouth slightly parts with the rain disguising my tears.
She bends down and plants a kiss to the gravestone before turning back toward me. “Take care of yourself, Liem. Get out and live the rest of your life because Gracie would be devastated if she knew how badly you were suffering.” She scans me once more, before narrowing her brows at me. “Do the right thing and allow yourself to be happy.” With that, she spins and walks away.
I stare at the ground, my breathing heavy, the rain still pouring down over top of me. I close the distance to Gracie’s grave and kiss the butterfly. “Goodbye, my love.”
The heavy rainfall slows with the sun peeking through the dark clouds.
I make my way to my Harley, the rain at a full stop, and the sun now makes a full appearance. With my head to the sky, I close my eyes and breathe in, soaking in the warmth I haven’t felt in so long.
