Was that make-up sex? Or did we just need to bang it out? Whatever it was, it helped me forget about Will for a while. It made me forget about everything, even the thought of Shannon being Jason’s “fix.” At least for the moment, that was enough.
CHAPTER 24
BETWEEN THEN AND NOW
NATALIE
When I first met Jason, I had just graduated from Indiana University. My friend Katie, who went to IU with me, introduced us at a party that summer. Jason was from Naperville, a suburb of Chicago, and I was from Meridian Hills, just outside of Indianapolis.
Right away, I read Jason as sharp and driven. And I was drawn to his tall, lean body and dark hair, those appealing chestnut-brown eyes, and a quiet, thoughtful demeanor that almost belied his drive.
Jason wasn’t the life of the party, but when he spoke, people listened. He was the middle child of three brothers, and definitely the most circumspect. His older brother, Jeremy, was now a pitching coach for the White Sox, while his younger brother Josh was the family’s charmer, co-founding a traveling soccer club near Naperville. He was always dating someone new and probably wouldn’t settle down anytime soon.
Looking back, I remember how simple those first few months felt. The excitement of something new, the butterflies I felt when I’d see his name pop up on my phone. We were in that phase where every little thing about the other person felt magical. That period stretched out maybe longer than usual because we were long-distance in the beginning. I was still living in Indiana, and he shared an apartment in Lincoln Park, Chicago, with Danny, his business partner-to-be. The distance didn’t seem like a problem then. It felt like part of the romance.
After we got engaged, I moved to Chicago and we settled in Old Town. That apartment was small and a little cramped, but it felt like home because it was ours. I got my start in design at Habitat Design, where I spent a year as an intern before they hired me full-time. I loved that job and stayed with them until we had Bebe.
Those years in Old Town were some of the happiest of my life. We were young, building our lives together. Our weekends were filled with walks along the lake, late-night dinners at tiny restaurants tucked away in the city, and mornings spent tangled up in each other. Jason was still figuring out his career, but his determination never wavered. I loved watching him chase his ambitions, even when it meant late nights or early mornings back then.
When Bebe was born, Jason wanted to move to the suburbs and for me to stay home with her. I was ready to embrace the stay at home mom role, so we bought a beautiful home in Glen Ellyn, a suburb outside of Chicago, where we eventually had James.
Danny and Jason were hitting the ground running with their business in the Midwest. It was rapidly growing, maybe even too much so. Eventually, they needed someone to oversee operations on both the East and West Coasts.
Danny stayed in the Midwest while they found a guy named Marcus to help Jason cover the New York territory. Marcus dated my sister, Meredith, for a while. They drove each other so crazy that they both swore off dating anyone seriously after that.
As Jason’s schedule grew more demanding, I took on more responsibility at home. I threw myself into the kids and focused on turning our house into a sanctuary. It became a way for me to channel my design background and build the dream home I’d always envisioned. For a while, it was my escape. I could lose myself in selecting fabrics, lighting, and wallpaper, each choice a small act of creativity that kept me grounded.
One day, I spent hours poring over paint swatches earlier that week, trying to find the perfect shade of blue for the dining room. I laid out my top choices for Jason. But he came home late, and all he said was “Whatever you like, Nat,” while already scrolling through emails on his phone.
It was a small moment, insignificant in the grand scheme of things, but it stuck with me. I realized how much of my life had become about creating something Jason barely noticed. I told myself it didn’t matter, that he was busy building a life for us, but it stung.
Then came the move to Orange County. Jason’s work had become too important to ignore, and the time zones between the East and West Coasts meant he was always working late into the night. When the opportunity to relocate to California came, it felt like the right thing to do, even though I had mixed feelings. I was excited about the fresh start but nervous about leaving the life we built in Glen Ellyn.
Between the kids and the move and designing another house, I was busy. Actually, I was overwhelmed, but I kept it together, at least on the outside. Jason was always so consumed by his work that I rarely felt like he saw me, saw how much I was doing to keep everything afloat.
There were moments when I’d catch him gazing at his phone, his eyes lost in whatever deal he was working on, and I wondered if he even realized I was there.
But there were also moments when he’d show up at the end of the day with a tired smile on his face, wrap his arms around me, and for a brief second, everything would feel right again. I’d remind myself that this was the life we had worked for, the life I wanted. Yet there was still a quiet space inside me that felt empty, something I didn’t know how to fill.
In Orange County, life moved at a different pace. The weather was always perfect, the people perpetually smiling, and the kids thrived in their new schools. From the outside, it looked like we had it all in this perfect, manicured suburb, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that I had lost a part of myself along the way.
I missed the version of me who had worked at Habitat Design, who had passion and purpose outside the walls of her home. I missed the evenings Jason and I used to spend talking about our dreams before our lives became a series of schedules and obligations. Sometimes, late at night, I’d lie awake beside him, listening to the steady rhythm of his breathing, and wonder if he ever felt the distance that had grown between us.
It wasn’t that I didn’t love Jason. I did. But somewhere along the way, we had stopped being partners and started being two people living parallel lives. The longer it went on, the harder it became to bridge the gap.
The move to Orange County was supposed to be a new beginning, but now I wondered if it was the beginning of the end.
CHAPTER 25
STRAYING FROM THE PLAYBOOK
JASON
Things at home felt more mundane every time I was there, except the night Natalie surprised me, kissing me awake. We had intense sex, something we both needed and hadn’t experienced in a while. But unfortunately, that night passed as quickly as it came, leaving little behind.
Work had so much more meaning to me than home. I couldn’t help it. And, my connection with Shannon kept growing. She made me laugh. She was really into sports, unlike Nat. We’d catch up on game scores, sometimes leaving a game on in the background while we finished work. We bantered about her being a Mets fan and me being a Cubs fan; the rivalry adding an easy familiarity to our conversations.
She made me feel awake in a way I hadn’t in a long time. There was always something to talk about. With Natalie, I came home and just went through the motions. I loved my kids, none of that ever felt forced, but with Natalie and me…the passion wasgone. Was it my growing crush on Shannon, or was this just who we had become?
