We continue to stare at each other for a while in silence. Nothing but the crickets and night owls singing in the darkness of the night, our eyes briefly flicking over each other’s features—me permitting hers to memory in case something happens, and I never see her again.
I want to scream from the rooftops about how watching her is the most enjoyable experience of my life. How just the sound of her breathing can evoke a happiness in my mind I never thought I would regain again. And just how much those dusky pink soft lips that adorn her face are torturing me in silence.
They’re begging to be kissed.
Marked.
Owned.
And I want to.
God, I want to.
Curse my entire being if I’m lying. But the sad part is… I can’t. I can’t kiss her or hold her the way I want to. I can’t tell her all the things I’m thinking in fear of scaring her off and losing this ethereal creature for good. So, rather than torture myself any longer than I need to, I turn my attention to the star-blanketed sky and focus on them, watching as the pink hue from the moon lights it up.
I’ve been living a lie. Life had no meaning before she stepped into my path, and I felt my heart beat for the first time in what felt like eternity.
Love had eluded me for so long, I honestly believed—in my heart of hearts—that the four-letter word most people steer clear of, was something the great writers from the past invented as a way to torture us. My life was doomed to be one of solitude,where I walked alone, tortured by the images of others having it but knowing it would never be mine.
Until her.
Until this very moment and every single one before it.
Because as the soft hint of Heather’s sweet jasmine and white oleander perfume swirls through the air, I realise how deep the love I feel for her runs.
“Ricky?” she murmurs sweetly.
Even hearing the tone in which she says my name drives me wild.
My heart is now beating faster and slower at the same time, which I know is impossible, but that’s exactly what Heather manages to inflict upon me. I’d never considered myself a weak man; never allowing myself to show emotion for the fear of being broken in the end. But I would take an infinite amount of pain for one chance to hear her say my name as sweetly as she did just now.
“Hmm?” I hum, focusing on the brightest star in the sky I can find, and watching as it blinks knowingly at me.
The one I always see.
The one that taunts me.
“Who was the person Patrick hurt?”
“Someone very close to me.”
“Oh,” she whispers.
Silence.
“What’s it like? I’ve never had someone I know die before,” she asks softly. I knew where this was going when she asked me about Patrick. I turn my head slightly and raise my eyebrow at her, because she killed her father back there. Heather releases a small giggle before speaking once more. “Okay, well, nobody I cared about anyway.”
I offer her a brief nod, not sure if I have the strength to talk aboutherthe way I want to. Whether I should tell Heathereverything now and allow her to feel everything I do. I mean, who knows if she would. After a few moments of staring at the stars scattered through the black pit of the night sky, I take a deep breath… and begin.
“It’s like… the entire world cracks around you and you’re the only one left standing to watch everything fall. The feeling is almost like you’re in a hole you can’t get out of because it’s raining, and the dirt walls surrounding you are turning to mud, and no matter how hard you try… you just can’t seem to claw your way out of this pit you’re now struggling in. The more you fight, the harder it gets. And the harder it gets, the more tired you become, and decide you don’t want to fight anymore. You want the darkness you feel to swallow you up so you can bewiththem because it’s better than living in a world without them. Then… after you’ve experienced every ounce of pain you can, people start to move on without you. They deal with it better than you ever could, and then all of a sudden it’s as though you’re the only one who remembers what it felt like when they were there. You’re the only person who recalls what their laugh sounded like. Everyone forgets. Everyone stops caring. Everyone except you. Because you’re stuck in limbo with the constant agony of their loss and no way to bring them back.”
I turn to face her then, wanting to see the look on her face to torture myself with the image of pity, and when I do, she’s not facing me, and the expression on her face isn’t one of pity… it’s sadness. Almost as though she feels what I feel deep within her gut. But that’s impossible. Nobody, not even her, could feel what I feel.
Tree leaves swish and swirl as a gentle breeze moves seductively through them, and all I do is wait… for something from her.
“Was it… just him?” Heather finally questions, speedily wiping the tear she shed from her temple, hoping I somehow don’t notice.
“No,” I reply bluntly, because it’s true. It wasn’t just Patrick who hurt the person I loved. “There were four of them.” I need to keep my breathing as calm as possible, to stop myself from overreacting in the moment and telling her everything else. This is the furthest I’ve ever gotten with Heather, and I don’t want to ruin it with my story of woe. So again, I keep everything locked away inside.
