“What do you mean?” she asked and wrinkled her forehead.
“I’m not just here because of the baby,” I said softly and ran my hand up her arm until I reached her jaw. “I’m here for you, too. But you need to let me know if you’re not ready for that.”
She nodded and a tear slipped down her cheek. Taking in a shaky breath, she said, “I honestly don’t know if I’m ready. And I’m scared.”
I smoothed my thumb along her cheek and swiped away the few tears that had spilled over. “I hope you know that I would never ask you to forget him. I know I wouldn’t be standing here with you right now if he was still here.”
She started shaking her head rapidly and cupped her hand over her mouth. She jumped off the counter and ran for the bathroom. “Fuck!” I yelled and ran after her.
I expected to find her bent over the toilet, but she was sitting in the floor hugging her knees and breathing heavily. “We were separated. No one other than my parents knew about it,” she confessed. “So, there’s a very real chance that you would be standing where you are right now,” she said between breaths.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
She visibly swallowed and nodded. “I’ll be okay. Just a little panic attack,” she said dismissively and wiped the faint sheen of sweat from her face. “I’m sorry. I’ve held that in for so long. I did love him, and it hurt like hell when he died, but we didn’t have the picture-perfect life everyone made it out to be—at least not at the end. In the weeks before he left, he was rarely home because he picked up extra shifts, and when he was home, he barely spoke to me.”
I had no idea what to say. Her confession didn’t change anything for me. I was still responsible for the death of an innocent man. I was still responsible for her children growing up without their father. And I was still responsible for making her a widow.
“I was really angry after he died. For a lot of different reasons, but one of them was because I knew our issues would never be resolved. He, um, he left me, and he never gave me a reason. And for a little while after his death, I completely blocked out the part where he’d left and convinced myself that we did have a picture-perfect life. But, my mother and my therapist put a stop to that as soon as they realized what was going on. So, once I figured out that I was grieving for something that wasn’t real, I had to start over and grieve for what I’d actually lost.”
She slowly got to her feet and nervously smoothed her hands over her hair. “You must think I’m crazy.”
I shook my head and opened my arms for her. She didn’t hesitate to come to me. “I don’t think you’re crazy. I think you’ve had a lot to deal with over the last few years.”
“You can say that again.”
“Let me ask you something. Earlier you said you were scared. Is it because you’re not sure if you’re ready or is it because you don’t know why he left?”
“Because I don’t know why he left,” she confessed.
“Thought so. Listen to what I’m about to say and hear it. I will not do that to you. I will tell you why I’m doing something before I do it. Communication is everything in a relationship.”
“Okay.”
“Okay, what?” I asked and had to force myself to breathe.
“Okay, we can do this you and me thing.”
“Hell, yes, we can,” I said and kissed the shit out of her.
When our lips parted, she placed her hand on my chest. “There’s just one thing. Um, I don’t want the kids to know we’re anything more than friends right now. Are you okay with that?”
I covered her hand with mine and nodded. “Yes, I’ll go along with whatever you think is best, but what are you going to tell them about the baby?”
She grimaced. “I haven’t figured that out yet. I‘ve been putting it off, but I don’t have much longer before I start showing.”
My hand dropped to her stomach and I smiled. She was already showing, but I wasn’t about to point it out. “I can’t believe my baby’s in there,” I whispered in awe.
She laughed, “A part of me can’t either. Even before everything happened, I didn’t think I’d have any more kids.”
I was silent for a few long moments, trying to formulate my words. Finally, I asked, “How do you feel about having another one?”
She didn’t hesitate to answer. “I’m not going to lie; at first, I wasn’t thrilled about it. But, I’ve always believed things happen for a reason, even the things that are hard to accept. I’ve had some time to come to terms with it, and I’m happy about it.” She laughed lightly. “I’ll be much happier once I start feeling better.”
I leaned in and kissed her forehead. “Speaking of, you need to rest,” I said and lifted her into my arms.
“What are you doing?”
“Taking you to the couch. Or, would you rather me take you to your room?”
