After lunch, we rode to a somewhat secluded beach. It was a little difficult to reach, but it was well worth the trek once you got there. When we reached the sand, we both kicked off our shoes. Phoenix silently took my hand and started walking along the shore. We walked a good half mile before either one of us said a word.
“As much as I’m enjoying just being with you, we do have some important things to talk about,” Phoenix said, giving my hand a gentle squeeze.
“You’re right, we do,” I agreed. I brought my hand to my mouth and started nibbling at my fingernail. It was a disgusting habit, but I was nervous as hell, so there was no point in trying to stop myself.
I had something huge to tell Phoenix and I didn’t know how he was going to take it. It was the main thing that kept me awake the night before. My news would be extremely painful for him to hear and for me to tell.
“This is hard for me to say,” I said at the same time he asked, “Do you want to sit for this?”
I shook my head. “No, I need to keep walking to share this with you.”
“Okay, let’s keep going,” he said, tightening his grip on my hand.
“I’m guessing you know how I ended up at the farm,” I surmised.
He nodded. “Your parents.”
“Right.” My parents were useless beings who did nothing but destroy my life because of their own selfish needs. “Octavius had been loaning money to my parents for months, all of which they gambled away or spent on alcohol and cigarettes. A few weeks after you left for the Marines, Octavius came to collect his money. Since they couldn’t pay, he took them to the farm to start working off their debt, and I had to go with them.”
“At first, it wasn’t so bad. I was separated from my parents and placed in a room much nicer than anything I ever had growing up. Then, Octavius started coming around more, asking me to go on a date with him. I repeatedly told him no, but he kept asking. He started bringing gifts with him when he came to see me, nice gifts, but I refused to accept any of them. Finally, he gave up on asking and started trying to use my parents as bargaining chips, saying he would reduce the amount they owed him if I would date him.” I scoffed. “He had no idea how much I loathed my parents. I finally told him I was in love with you and there was nothing he could do to change that.”
I stayed silent for a few minutes, gathering my strength for the next part of the conversation. I gradually stopped walking and turned to face the water while I spoke. “By this time, several weeks had gone by since you left. Even after I told Octavius I was in love with you and waiting for you to come back, he still kept pressuring me to give him a chance. He finally stopped asking me when I told him I was pregnant with your baby.”
The tears had already started. Phoenix stood behind me, his hands on my shoulders as we both stared into the deep blue sea. I expected an outburst from Phoenix, but he remained silent behind me, so I continued. “He told me he would let me keep the baby and even provide me with prenatal care if I agreed to marry him and bear him a son. He said I could leave after I gave him a son, but I had to leave the boy with him. I refused, Phoenix. I didn’t want to have his child, but he said he would have our baby aborted. I couldn’t let that happen. I thought if I could get through having a son for him, I could leave with our child and go straight to the police. They would arrest Octavius and I would have both of my children, but that’s not at all what happened.”
My breath hitched with a sob and I had to take a moment to compose myself. Phoenix gently turned me by my shoulders and pulled me into his chest. He held me tightly to him, one arm around my waist and the other cupping the back of my head. “She died, Phoenix!” I screamed as I beat my fist on his chest. “Our baby girl died! I did everything I could to make sure she was healthy and get us out of there and she died!”
Phoenix took us to the ground, rocking me back and forth while I cried my pain into his chest. “I didn’t even get to see her or hold her before they took her away. One picture of her, that’s all I’ve ever had of my baby girl. I’m so sorry, Phoenix! I’m sorry I lost her!”
Phoenix stopped rocking me and tightened his arms around me. He spoke softly, his mouth right beside my ear, “There’s nothing to be sorry for, doll face. Nothing at all.” I cried even harder, clutching his shirt and praying he never let me go.
“I wanted her,” I bawled. “I wanted her and I wanted you. It wasn’t fair!”
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Phoenix
I held Annabelle in my arms while she cried, my heart breaking as the pain she had carried for years poured from her soul. “Let it out, baby. I’ve got you,” I promised.
How was I going to tell her that Ember was alive and well? And Coal? She hadn’t mentioned a thing about Coal. Surely she knew about him.
When she started to calm, I eased her face away from my chest so I could wipe the tears from her cheeks. Her blue eyes held so many emotions—pain, anger, fear. “Tell me what happened,” I said softly.
“I-I don’t really know. I went into labor one morning. I told Octavius my water broke and he took me to see the doctor at the infirmary on the farm. He confirmed the labor and took me to one of the rooms at the very back of the clinic. He said I needed to have a C-section. He put some medicine in an IV and the next thing I knew, I was waking up in a lot of pain and being told that my baby girl was stillborn.”
She looked down at her hands. “They wouldn’t let me see her. I begged and begged, but Octavius said they had already taken her away. I was furious with him and he knew it, too. I demanded that he let me name her.” Her breath hitched again, “I named her Ember Rose Blackburn. I wanted her to have a piece of me and a piece of you in her name.”
I kissed her cheek and pulled her closer. “It’s beautiful.”
I was gearing up to tell her that Ember was still alive, happy and healthy in Croftridge when she continued, “I was a mess after that, for a long time. I fell into a depression so deep I didn’t think I would ever find my way back. Through my entire pregnancy with Nathan and especially after his birth, I was in a very dark place. I did what I needed to do for him, but I built a wall around my heart and nothing was breaking it down. I’m ashamed to say that even my newborn son couldn’t make my heart feel anything. For a long time, I resented Nathan. I didn’t understand why the baby I wanted didn’t live, but the baby I didn’t want was born healthy. I hate myself for that now.”
“You obviously love Nathan very much and I’m sure you did then, too, it was just masked by the pain of losing your firstborn. When did you finally pull through the depression?” I asked.
“It was when Nathan was around two years old. Octavius was fed up with me. He said if other people were going to take care of my child, I was going to take care of other people’s children. There was a daycare on the property for the children of the workers. He sent me to work there.”
“And that helped you?” I asked softly.
She gave me a small smile. “Yes, it did.” She turned her face to the side, staring off into the distance, obviously remembering something from that time. “There was a little girl at the daycare. She was around the same age our daughter would have been. She was like a little angel. The first day I was there, she ran up to me and begged me to hold her. When I picked her up, she wrapped her little arms around my neck and hugged me with every ounce of her strength. Something inside me was healed by that one hug from her. I’ve thought about her often over the years and I always wondered what became of her.”
