But I don’t understand, Dear Diary. Daddy always said thatreal love doesn’t break. That when you find the right person,you hold on to them and never let go.
He lied.And I hate that I can't stop loving him so much.
I don’t want to feel hate. It’s such an ugly feeling.
Sometimes I sit on my bed and try to remember the sound of his laugh when everything used to be okay, when we were still a family. He used to come home, and I’d run to him, hugging him so tight he’d lift my feet off the ground.
He’d kiss Mommy on the forehead and say,“My girls.”And we’d all laugh together. It used to feel like forever.
Now the house is quiet in a way that hurts.
I keep thinking maybe it’s all a big mistake. Maybe he’ll come home tomorrow and tell us the truth. That the site was wrong. That the girlfriend doesn’t exist. That it was all just a lie someone made up. Maybe he’ll hold Mom’s hand again and tell her she’s forever his queen.
Daddy always told me thatMom was his queen and his happy ending. That they were supposed tostay together forever. No other girlfriends or boyfriends, just the two of them. I don’t know if I ever wrote this in the diaries I had before you, but Daddy once told me the story of how he met Mommy.
He said they were meant to be… that the universe had brought them together.
I’ll never forget that story, Dear Diary. And now, I’m going to tell you a little about it.
“She was working at a bookstore, standing on a step ladder, and I caught her before she fell. One look into your mother’s mesmerizing eyes, and I knew—she would be mine, and I would be hers.
When she told me her name was Cecily, it felt like fate confirming itself. Tell me, what could say destiny louder than our names both starting with the same letter, or the world stopping the moment we touched?
One day, you’ll find a love like that too. A love as big, as beautiful, and as endless as ours.”
Whenever I couldn’t sleep, Daddy would tell me that story, and I’d fall asleep smiling. But I don’t think I ever want a love like that anymore, Dear Diary.
They think I don’t notice, but I do. I see how Ethan smiles less now, how he gets tense every time Daddy’s around. I see how Mommy is different, sadder, how she doesn’t eat much anymore. She’s always baking our favorite cookies, but it’s not the same.
Not like before, when she used to cook while smiling, listening to her books or her favorite songs. Now she cooks in silence.
I don’t want a love that leaves mesad and silent. Or one that has a girlfriend, too.
I don’t even know what to do anymore, Dear Diary. Everything feels so confusing and different. I don’t even know if I want to see Daddy again... or call himDaddy.
What do I call him if not that? Colin? That’s his name, but it feels too weird to say.
So do I just... not call him anything at all?
I wish you could talk to me, Dear Diary. I wish you could explain why he did this. Why adults say one thing and do another? Why he said he loves Mommy, but at the same time has a girlfriend?
I asked him if he had one, the last time I saw him. He said no.
You see, Dear Diary?He lied.
Mom told me about it before I even asked him. I just wanted to hear the truth from him.
Mommy said that Daddy will always love me and Ethan. That will never change. But I don’t think I believe that anymore.
I’m sorry, Dear Diary, but I have to stop writing. My handwriting’s getting messy because my hands won’t stop shaking between sobs, and the pages are too wet with tears to keep going.
Goodbye for now, Dear Diary.?
I close the diary. Get out of bed, walk to the dresser, and pull open the last drawer. I hide it all the way in the back, where no one will find it.
I think I’m a liar too, just like Daddy. I told my diarygoodbye for now, but that was a lie. I don’t think I’ll write in it again. I don’t have anything happy or bright left to tell it anymore.
I switch off the nightstand lamp and bury myself under the covers.
