—Ashton’s Secret Thoughts
Ifight back the tears filling my eyes before I take my next jagged breath.
Fear wraps its sharp claws around me, digging in and dragging me back to hell. Back to that night, kicking and screaming. If I close my eyes, I still see it all. I feel it with every inch of my body and every ounce of my soul. The humidity in the air as I waited for Evan, Jamie, and Finn to pick me up from ballet after their football practice. Dad was already coaching for the Kings, and Mom hated driving at night, so as soon as their high school practices were over, they always swung by to get me.
The other girls and a few guys always waited with me for a chance to see the guys. To flirt. To try. And who could blame them? Jamie and Finn were gorgeous. And Evan... even from a sister’s point of view, I could see how they’d find him handsome. He was as tall and broad as Jamie, and as smart as Finn, and he loved to flirt with the girls at the studio. He loved to flirt with everyone.
It was a normal thing. A normal night.
Everything about that day was as boring as it could be.
Until it wasn’t.
September practices never ran as late as that one did. Summer sessions took forever, but after-school practice never lasted that long. I was starving by the time they picked me up. But that was normal too. Something Jamie loved to tease me about. He’d always say he could hear my stomach growling from the front seat and then bug me to get something to eat when we’d inevitably stop at the store on the way home, so the guys could grab whatever super unhealthy crap they were eating that week.
But he didn’t that night.
He barely looked at me even as he got out of the front seat of Evan’s Dodge Charger and flipped it forward so I could climb in the back with Finn. No dumb comment. No sarcasm. He didn’t even look at my outfit, and I may have picked it out that day because I swear he always smiled when I’d wear my white leotard and skirt. Somehow, I had it in my mind he liked it. Liked me in it. But he didn’t say anything that night. There wasn’t a smile. He just got back in the car and shut the door.
I still remember the disappointment sitting like lead in my stomach because I’d thought...
It didn’t matter what I thought, though, because Jamie Murphy was one of the most popular boys at Kroydon Hills Prep. He hung with the coolest kids, was friends with the world’sbiggest pop stars, and had girls throwing themselves at him at every party and in every hall of the school.
He was a junior. A year younger than Evan but still two years ahead of Finn and me in school. And I was just a girl he was stuck with because our parents were friends. Because he and Evan were friends. Because Finn and I were friends.
I’m not even sure if Jamie and I were ever friends.
Could you feel the way I felt about a friend?
What the hell did I know?
I was fifteen and thought I was in love with my best friend’s brother.
I was young and naive and disappointed that the cute boy hadn’t looked at me.
And an hour later, none of it would matter. Not that I had any way of knowing that then.
Then, it felt wrong.Off. Everything about that night just didn’t make sense.
Even Finn was quiet as he sat next to me, texting someone. A girl probably, but he wouldn’t tell me who.
Jamie and Evan were silent as we drove the short distance to the convenience store.
I remember thinking how odd that was. They were never quiet. Never. The two of them never shut up. Jamie was the only person I’d ever known who was as outgoing as Evan.
The air was sticky, almost damp, when I got out to follow them into the store. The humidity clinging to me as I stepped out of the air-conditioned car that smelled like dirty football pads and the disgusting air freshener Evan hung from his rearview mirror, like that did anything to mask the stench.
Finn didn’t want anything, so he stayed behind.
God, how I wished we’d all stayed back.
Just skipped that night. Went straight home for once. If we’d just done that...
If I’d have just skipped practice. Or hadn’t insisted on training at that fancy studio in Philly instead of Hart & Soul... Hadn’t desperately wanted the challenge. Hadn’t wanted to get noticed so I could move to New York or Chicago...
We wouldn’t have walked into that store.
It wouldn’t have been on our way back home.
