“Mysterious. Clever. Gorgeous. Older. More confident than anyone I’ve ever met. I just…can’t figure out if she actually cares about me or is manipulating me to get what she wants.”
Dean is quiet for a moment. “How much older?”
“Does it matter?”
“Depends. Are we talking cougar territory or predator territory?”
If he knew the truth, his head would explode. “She’s experienced and knows who she is.”
“But you’re afraid she’s going to abandon you,” he says gently.
The word “abandon” makes me flinch. My throat is too tight to respond, so I say nothing.
In the silence, a bird calls from the forest, and the sound is so normal that I could almost convince myself that the last few hours were a nightmare.
“I still think you need to give yourself time to heal from having your heart broken,” Dean says, “but I also think you’re so scared of getting abandoned again that you’re looking for reasons to push people away before they can hurt you.”
“Can you blame me? My own parents couldn’t wait to get rid of me the second I turned eighteen. And don’t get me started on Riley.” I shiver, my fingers, nose, and ears going numb.
“I know. You deserve better than all that shit.”
“So how am I supposed to tell who’s going to hurt me and who’s here to stay?” My voice cracks. “What if I decide to trust her, and she disappears like everyone else in my life has?”
“Not everyone has disappeared.”
“You’re different.”
Voicing this fear makes something twist in my chest. Why do I care if Julia is gone from my life? Do I actually want her to stay?
Of course you do,says a small voice in my head.You like her, and not just because it feels good to be fed on.
“I know it’s hard, but try not to let Riley or your parents impact your relationships,” Dean says. “They lost the right to have any sway over your life the moment they chose to leave it.”
He’s right. I’ve been letting old wounds dictate my choices, using their betrayals as a reason to never be vulnerable again.
“You’re someone worth staying for,” he adds, “and the fact that your parents and Riley couldn’t see that is their loss. If this woman is as mature and confident as you say she is, then I bet she sees that too.”
Tears burn my eyes. “And if she doesn’t?”
“Then you’ll survive it, just like you survived Riley, and just like you survived your parents. But Han, what if youdon’ttry, and you spend the rest of your life running from anyone who might want to stay?”
A gust of wind rattles the gates, and I shiver harder. I shuffle my feet to try and warm up. I wish I could tell him this isn’t just about whether or not I’ll get my heart broken. Where Julia is involved, my actual life is at risk.
“Anyway, you’re putting the burden of vulnerability all on yourself,” Dean says. “What about her?”
I furrow my brow. “What do you mean?”
“Like, do you feel like she’s being totally vulnerable and trusting withyou? Trust is a two-way thing, Han. Or surrender, if that’s what you want to call it.”
“I—I guess she’s got her own issues too.” I bite my lip. What am I saying? She has alotof her own issues. “She did almost leave me after we hooked up.”
“Okay, see? You don’t have to bear your soul without receiving vulnerability in return. The trust you’re looking for will happen when you’re both ready, if that’s what you want.”
“I doubt she’ll…” I stop shuffling my feet, going still.Wait.Does he have a point about this going both ways?
Rebecca never said Ihad to be the only one to surrender. She just said total surrender was the way out.
What if I’m not the only one who needs to surrender to break the binding spell?
