She turned around, and the look on Asterious’ face as he stared at the burning kettle turned sour. “I can’t believe I was so weak to give in. Last night, I knew better. I should’ve been stronger. If I’d have hurt you—”
“But you didn’t.” Caramyn set down the bowl she was carrying and strode over, placing her hands on his shoulders where he sat by the fire. “Don’t you see? That was anything but weakness. It’s not weakness tofeel.”
Asterious looked up through locks of disarrayed hair, studying her eyes before speaking. “But what I feel,” he paused, “is the fear that maybe this isn’t real. You said it yourself—the pull we feel toward each other—it could just be from Zera’s magic. What if we were just under the influence of some connection we don’t understand. How can we even know what we truly feel for each other if magic is involved? What if it has manipulated us like it manipulates everything?”
“Damn the Shattered gods, Asterious. What are you saying?” Caramyn spat out the words in utter disbelief. “Did last night mean nothing to you? Are you really wanting to throw this away because you think it’s just a trick of magic?
“I’m only saying that for now, until we know how this ends, we must deny ourselves any further affection. We should stay focused on the task at hand, and nothing more.”
Something seethed inside of Caramyn. “Deny. Punish. That’s what you’ve always done to yourself,” she said. “And that’s why you’ve begun to lose control. Stuffing it down only works for so long, until it finds a way out. Fear. Pain. Love. You can’t push any of that down until it goes away. You can’t ignore it. Eventually it will eat you alive. Trying to fight it is only making you weaker. To overcome a beast that preys on fear and pain, show it you’re not afraid to feel anymore. Show it that you are not afraid to love and be loved, damn it.”
“I am not meant to love you or anyone, Caramyn. You willneverbe safe with me if I can’t rid myself of this curse. I may not lose myself with you. I may learn to control my fears and pain and whatever else. But sooner or later, Iwillhave to kill again. And I would gladly kill a thousand men to protect you. But the moment I do, I will be lost forever. Along with my mind. And my love. And I cannot do that to you…becauseI love you.”
Love.
The word from his lips rattled Caramyn to her innermost being.
“Fine. Deny me. And deny yourself. But next time warn me before you plan on breaking my heart, so maybe I can make an elixir to heal it in advance.”
She ripped the kettle from the fire, refusing to give him another gaze, much less another word. And he didn’t argue either, which made it hurt all the worse. But what made the pain even greater was that she knew he wasn’t wrong.
So, she would still lead him through the Woods. She would still help him find the Blade to save the kingdom. And she would drive his sister out, even if she had to kill her. But she would not do it for him. She would do it for herself, and for a realm she would not see taken by misuse of her Shadows.
And after they each ate a small bowl of tasteless porridge in painful silence, they donned their cloaks and headed out into the Woods.
56
Consider It A Duty
Asterious
He never should’ve let last night happen. He never should’ve done this to her.
Asterious followed Caramyn blindly through the thick of the trees, his thoughts echoing how beautiful she’d looked while unraveling beneath him in the candlelight. But now it was all drowned out by the wounded way she’d looked at him this morning, after he’d said the only terrible things he could think of to keep her from getting hurt far worse later.
They’d promise not to lie to each other. And he hadn’t. All of it was truth. Cold, bitter, razor-sharp truth.
He trudged behind her, ignoring the ever-present hissing black fog threatening to nip at his ankles, as they headed deeper into the forest where he’d met this woman so many weeks ago. This woman who he never could have suspected would have brought his unfeeling heart to life.
And yet, he’d just broken it into pieces. Because it was all he could do to save her from the pain. Unless some miracle could save him, letting her love him would only end in tragedy one way or another. It would crush her either way, whether she would have to watch him become a monster forever—or end his own life in front of her.
The only hope was the Shadowblood’s sword. If it couldn’t save his black heart, at least he’d already done his part to spare hers…though that didn’t change the fact that it was one of the most painful things he’d ever done. Far more painful than any blade that had ever left him bleeding.
Caramyn quickened her pace as the stream came into view, a narrow channel running through the forest like a vein.
Asterious was quiet, listening for the sound of birds to distract him from the thoughts that tormented him, but he realized there were no birdsongs this deep in the woods. The only sounds that filled this place were the whispering echoes from the Shadows haunting it.
Caramyn knelt at the stream, staring down in the trickling water as though she was captivated by something in her own head. Asterious waited for her to dip her hands in or lean over, but instead she straightened herself and looked over at him. Her eyelids fluttered, and she stuttered out a semblance of a word. “Asterious, I—”
The sound of flapping wings rushed overhead. The prince glanced up, squinting at the sun's glare off the frosted white branches. The raven had returned, soaring in figure eights,diving down just over their heads before swooping right back up to do it again, each movement brimming with urgency.
Caramyn leapt to her feet, never taking her eyes off the bird.
“Hide. Now.” Her voice cut like stone.
The prince glanced around before he scrambled with Caramyn to find a place suitable enough to cover them in this maze of crooked tree trunks and twisting branches.
Distant hoofbeats and clanking armor closed in, their rhythm unsettling.
