My touch has his eyes flying open, dislodging another tear.
I wipe that one away too.
Neither of us say anything as the moment stretches, only silence between us. It grows heavy, emotions from our past clinging to the present, to the future.
Then he shifts, his weight altering ever so slightly—as though he’s going to pull away, going to stand, going to leave me.
And it’s like I’m back in the dream, back on the mountain, back watching him walk away from me.
I lurch forward, launching myself into his arms.
We tip backward, the plush carpet breaking our fall.
Though, really, it’s Brooks who’s cushioning me against the impact, his arms wrapping around me, his body beneath mine. His scent in my nose, his gentle words in my ears, his hand weaving into my hair, protecting the back of my skull from the threat of impact.
Protecting me from an invisible threat.
I freeze.
And the ice inside me ruptures, a wealth of emotions flowing out, flooding my senses and…
I burst into tears.
Fiveyearsof tears are torn out of me.
Brooks holds me closer and sits up, arms wrapping even tighter around me. “It’s okay, baby. I’m here. I’m here,” he repeats. “I’m here.”
Here now.
But for how long?
Here now.
But when will he break me again?
Here now.
But how can I possibly forgive him?
I distantly hear a strange sound, something that almost sounds like an animal, and it takes me a minute to realize it’s me. That I’m making the noise, and I try to stop, try to find the strength to pull away.
Only, I can’t.
Especially when he gets to his feet and carries me across the room, climbing into the bed that smelled of him, a bed I couldn’t bear to sleep in.
Not without him.
So I’d contented myself with a pillow that was rich with his scent, a pillow I pretended was his warm body.
Even though it made me weak.
Even though I should have marched down the hall and demanded he let me sleep in therealguest room.
Or better yet, I should have quietly walked down the hall and exited his life, leaving him far, far behind.
So he couldn’t hurt me again.
So I didn’t hurt him again either.
