“It was once something I was not accustomed to, either,” he admits on a sigh.
He’s opening up. As much as I want to ask about the interaction with Selnor and why he can’t kill him even though he seems to be the source of much trouble, I won’t miss this opportunity to strengthen Zhoric’s feelings for me. I take in a fortifying breath, the scent of the sun warmed earth long gone this deep in the night. “I heard you had a sister.”
“My twin. In my era of birth, twins were rare, precious things. We were always together. I think after all that I’ve done, Erenmaag took pleasure in showing me what I lost with every birth I helped fabricate since then. Yours included.”
My gaze flicks down to his chest where the god scale lies. Did he steal that from Erenmaag, the god of fate and agency? Or was it another, and Erenmaag was only happy to enact some cruelty upon Zhoric for what he’d done. I remember Ozias mentioning a sister, but I didn’t realize it was his twin. His loss hits me harder knowing this, imagining losing Kalixta in the same way.
“Did she not do anything to help you with your Alixor?” I ask.
Zhoric leans further down, resting his cheek against his folded hands atop the balcony to look at me. “She wasgone with her bonded much of the time, performing their duty for the gods across the seas.” His gaze flicks towards the stars, to the sky that’s beginning to take on a purplish hue, signifying that morning isn’t too far off and that our time is almost done. “They were marvelous together.”
His reverence for their relationship strikes me deep, the longing and want has my fingers itching to sweep back the lock of hair that’s fallen across his forehead. Our time is short, and it ramps up the need I have to understand, to know.
“Why did you bond with her? Why not anyone else?”
“No one else would have me.”
“Why not?” I straighten and turn to fully face him, giving him the entirety of my attention, pretending the sun has much longer to go before it crests the horizon.
“Solan was cruel, a trait born from her father—he was ruthless. He’d wanted a son, so she did everything she could to show him what she was made of, including pinning me in her sights. My father and mother approved of the match, knowing we’d make a strong pair that would please the gods. With the four of them willing to fight off any of my other connections, and my sister gone, blissfully unaware with a happy, powerful bonded match of her own, no one was willing to rise to the challenge.”
“I would have.” The words fly out of my mouth, twined with quiet determination. Immediately I want to take them back.
Zhoric rises, his jaw clenched tight, and he storms back into his rooms.
I follow him and reach out, but don’t touch him. “Zhoric—”
“No.” He spins to face me, raising a finger. “No. You do not get to come to me now when I amthis.” He turns his finger onto himself, pressing deeply where the god scale rests on his abdomen.
The emotion in his words are so powerful I have to devour a ragged breath of air to steady myself. “And what are you, exactly?”
“A despicable creature who’s unleashed unspeakablepain and suffering upon the world all so he could end his own.” His shoulders heave as he stares at me, eyes wild and desperate.
I’m nodding. I need to hear that. It’s something I know and I shouldn’t soon forget.
“Yes,” I say. “I cannot and will not convince you or myself otherwise. That what you’ve done: whatever part you played to make me and the women what we are, is despicable.” My tongue is pressed tight to the roof of my mouth, desperately trying to keep in my next question, but I have to know. I need to know if there’s more to him. What does it say about me if my strongest bond, my strongest potential, lies withhim. “What I’m asking is what are you now?”
His nostrils flare, eyes still wild. “The thing that’s keeping this broken world from falling into the depths of complete darkness and ruin—and I will not take you there with me.”
My breath leaves me completely. This is no act. Zhoric truly feels something for me; or, I’m the greatest fool to have ever lived. I fear it may be both. A man who’s willing to let go of this bond to spare me isn’t the wretched creature he claims to be. I want to tell him that, but instead, the dawn comes blindingly bright, reflecting in the white stone walls of his room and washing out the image of him, and then I’m gone.
Sharp rocks dig into my knees. I blink my eyes open in the Realm, brushing dampness from my cheek. I drop my face into my hands and inhale slow and steady. Too close. I got too close to him and it’s ripping me apart. Atlanta’s words warned me. Ozias shared how it feels to bond with someone—but nothing could have prepared me for this. It’s like a knot is tied around my heart, and with every admission Zhoric made, the rope has tightened to the point where I’m not certain I can undo it without severing something vital.
I have to get a hold of myself.
I blow out all the air from my lungs and shake my hands. Steadying myself with a few more lungfuls of air,I stand. I can’t bring myself to face Ninon yet. She’ll see every seed of panic planted on my face.
“Kaisa?” I hear her call. I spin towards the rock wall of the enclosure and count the stacked stones from bottom to top until my breathing slows and the muscles in my face and shoulders relax.
She says my name again, this time louder as she rounds the corner into my enclosure. Turning to her, I smile. “Hey, you’re awake.”
Ninon’s eyes move across my face at a rapid pace. Before she can ask, I stride toward her. “I can’t believe how sore I am still after going up against Issa,” I say, rolling my shoulder. “How does my face look?”
Angling her head, Ninon inspects my injury. “Almost healed.”
I grin, rubbing my cheek. We walk down the pathway into the bustling energy of the Realm’s center square. There was always a sense of community in Nevoba, but this…this feels like how it should be: women and men standing side by side, living and working together in tandem. Equal parts thriving together, not one greater than the other. The children seem freer, too, less reserved and quiet than back home.
“How are you feeling?” I ask once we’re past the noisiest section.
