“Kaisa can do it,” Ninon says.
“Ninon,” I warn in a low voice, then say louder to the rest, “I’m humbled by her confidence, but people’s lives are at stake here. Is now really the time to try something new?”
“In times of desperation, sometimes the extreme is theonly way to survive.” Ozias’s voice is a quiet rumble, his gaze fixed on me, and I know what he’s trying to convey. Did I not do the same when I took Alixor’s life while trying to save my own? Are we not doing the same in trying to take down the Sar Dyeus? “Would you be willing to try?”
“Of course I’ll try.” I move to pick up my tea to give my hands something to do, but snatch it back when the heat registers on my fingertips. “Is it even possible for me to match energy?”
Issa eyes me up and down, then leans back and crosses her arms over her chest. “Yeah, it’s possible, but you’d have to be pretty delusional to believe you could do it any time soon.”
With my visions of the Sar Dyeus, I think delusions are not too far outside of my capabilities. I clear my throat and look her straight in the eyes. “Then I suppose we’re going to see how delusional I can be.”
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
AFTER OUR BRIEFING on the wall, Ninon and I rest for a few hours before returning. As soon as we reach the top, Ozias leads me right back down.
“You couldn’t have met me down here?” I ask once we touch ground.
“I could have, but then I wouldn’t have a tangible example to explain my lesson. That, and I’m enjoying seeing how far I can push you before you show your teeth,” he says with a winsome grin.
“How old did you say you were again? I thought practical jokes were for children.”
“You’re never too old for a bit of fun.”
“Your lesson?” I remind him.
His smile doesn’t diminish as he explains. “I imagine right now your heart rate is elevated fromthe climb up and back down. And possibly from your annoyance with me.”
I snort and crack a smile. I answer for both. “Of course.” No matter how strong or practiced, exertion will cause a heart rate to rise. That, and whatever it is he’s doing to toy with me.
“Our magical energy is a bit like that. You can feel it happening when you exert it, but it’s a little difficult to maintain at an even level or at a level you wish it to remain.” Ozias and I walk along the base of the wall, the air cool despite the heat I know must be emanating from the Sere at this time of day. “If I had you climb and descend another time, you would find it difficult to maintain your current heart rate.” I nod my understanding and he continues. “Besides physical efforts, your heart rate can change with your emotions. The same is true for magic.”
“Emotions can affect magic?”
“Many things affect magic, but in its basest form, emotion is tied to our magical energies. It’s why the meditations we’ve been practicing are so important. The more you can control your emotions, the more you can purposefully control your magic. Emotions make our magic volatile, difficult to wield, and unpredictable. A poor combination when faced with collecting souls during human wars. But we are what we are—a combination of the gods and the humans. Our emotions, our magic, our very essence are inextricably bound. Everything we are, is balance. Between worlds, between our two halves, between the mortal and the mystical.”
“Complicated,” I say.
“Complete, I like to think.”
I smile at that, looking down at our feet while we walk and when I look back at him, he’s studying me intensely. “You’ve essentially told me that what we discussed this morning is impossible for me to accomplish. At least with how much I know now.”
Ozias inclines his head and we veer off to a darker, more secluded place along the wall. “Due to the delicate nature of maintaining an energy signature, and our urgent need for supplies, we thought perhaps we’d try somethingthat would surprise Dyeus’s forces, to try to get what we need as soon as possible.”
“What did you have in mind?”
“A large energy output to conceal what I’m doing on the barrier. We think it may work in our favor this once. Twice if we’re lucky. But it will give us time to get what we need before I can teach you the nuisance of your magic.”
I frown. I’ve only been in my dragon form twice since I passed the initial stages of savagery, and in both instances I’ve been calm. Content, even. I can’t imagine feeling anything other than that. Even coming back from my dream about the Sar Dyëus, I felt calm in that body. Then I remember when I first turned. My anger, the complete sense of wanting to destroy the world. I suppress a shudder. “How will I do that?”
Ozias pauses and I stop alongside him. He turns to me and I face him, the wall at my back. He takes a step closer and my breath hitches at his nearness. “Two of our greatest emotions are anger and love—a close adjacent of which being lust.”
I fill my lungs with a deep inhale. I’m not unfamiliar with that emotion. It’s rather close to the surface now as the heat from his body radiates against mine, with his attention on me, his gaze searing me from the inside.
“I could probably make you feel anger, but I must admit, I’d rather if I could make you feel something else. Do you think that’s possible, Kaisa? That I could make you feel wanted?” The intensity of his stare sears me, his eyes like liquid fire. His hand lifts, fingers beneath my chin, his thumb lightly pressing against my bottom lip.
Heat pools in my core. It’s been so long and my body responds ravenously to his touch, to my own needs I’ve ignored for too long. For months, I’ve been tending to Kalixta and preparing for the moment Alixor would take me away. I’ve had no time for much else. My desire flutters and he smiles knowingly.
“So that’s what we’ll do? We’ll fuck and my lust will send energy out into the world?”
