"Trying."
She laughs, but there's something behind it.There always is.
I think she had long believed I'd come back.That I'd slow down.Make room.
She deserved more than half my attention, though.Attention I gave to the clock and the hill.
She never complained.It was me who ended it.I called it quits when I realized I never missed her on the tour.Not really.I expected her to wait like a forgotten plush animal where I left her.I hated myself for it.And did not want to start hating her, too.
She was happy in the shadow.But I couldn't respect that.
And maybe that's on me.Perhaps that's about watching my mother, once a brilliant lawyer, now the one who refills the fridge, sorts the race bags, and makes sure the freezer is stocked with nutritious meals.
She loved her job.She loved my dad.But she gave up one to stay with the other.
I look at Lena now and realize that I didn't want that, not for the first time.
Not in her.
Not in anyone.
We say goodbye.She walks off down the snowy path.
And I think of Katharina.
How she fits in my world, not just survives but thrives in it.
The way she commands a press conference like it's hers to rewrite.The way she understands the tension of start gates and sponsor obligations without blinking.The way she glows when she's in control.
And the way shemakes methink harder about things I'd rather ignore.
No.
She wouldn't wait in the wings.Shewon't.
Maybe that's why she pushes me away.
Maybe she saw the photo of my mom handing out protein bars while my dad polished skis in the garage and thought:Not me.Not ever.
And I get that.I do.
But that doesn't make me want her less.
Hell, I want her all the time.
I want her eyes on me in a crowd.I want her pressed against me in a hotel hallway.I want her mouth on mine and her legs wrapped around—
I shake my head.
Jesus, Merry Christmas.
It's not just the sex, though.It started that way in my head.
Flirting.Heat.Some harmless fun.
But now she's in my bloodstream.
She's in the silence before I fall asleep.In the way, I check my phone for her name without realizing it.In the part of me that'sneverneeded someone.
